Since I last visited, things have been going well overall.

I got a new AA sponsor (I've been sober 13 years) and am re-taking all 12 steps from solely the "unmanageability" viewpoint, and the difference is night & day. My recovery from my own CSA and especially as a partner has taken off as a result. The biggie for me was at step 2, when I was asked, as an effort to trust my HP more, to not say anything for three days if I was pissed. Sponsor instructed me to text her instead, keeping it direct and to 160 characters or less (one text, essentially). After three days, I could appropriately address it with whomever I was mad....and generally, I just wasn't mad any more (or menopause has led me to be forgetful, for which I'm grateful, lol). It's been a big lesson in seeing my own self-centeredness, that's for sure.

Hubs' daughter didn't like the accountability and responsibility of being here and stayed for only 3 days. It's sad, but that's how it goes.

We've gotten caught up on financial stuff Hubs had taken responsibility for, postponed and is now completing. i'm really proud of him for walking through an incredible amount of fear!

His acting out has diminished, and he went on St. John's Wort for depression,a s did I, under direction of our naturopath. HUGE difference and for me, it's really enabled me to take a rational look at myself, minus a lot of the self-pity I had. Vitamin B has increased and leveled out my physical energy, too.

Our physically disabled kiddo is back on homebound and out of school because of his illness, and between his disability and our other son with a neuro (invisible) illness, I've spent no less than 20 hours per week with drs, suppliers, etc since December. It's taxing, but I'm finding out just how good I am at advocacy: the dr's trust me, and feeling trustworthy has been one of my own issues the past few years. I'm overcoming the "I should be better and do mroe" stuff that hit when Hubs' acting out began. Very empowering!

Hubs is improving, and is less closed off. I've given up wondering if he'll ever tell me what's going on inside him and at therapy, and have focused instead on what he IS doing, what changes I see through his actions. That's huge! Privacy issues are slwoer in resolving, but coming along tolerably.

I did give the "grow or go" ultimatum finally, as watching him hurt was excruciaitng for and to me. We finally began talking and he asked what changes I needed to see, vs wanting to see. Awesome.

Allin all, it's been a month of quick progress, fewer arguments, nearly no acting out, increased intimacy, lots of laughter, me asking for help and doing a boat load of internal work and....I've decided to return to school and get a biz admin degree.

I like it when good things happen, and am fighting the old tapes that tell me I don't deserve happiness. I do desrve it, as do we all.

Woo
Hoo!

Progress!!!

Congrats on your work and the good things starting to happen in your life.

You really do deserve good things.

We all do.

It makes me glad to see you working at it and feeling better.

Love it. Thank you for posting your forward progress!

HI Airmid.

I am happy to hear about the progress with hubs and yourself. Funny but reading your story i can hear my wife in the background. "why don't you talk to me? open up, why are you always so angry"
I still have a lot to work on, but hey I am a hundred% better than I was this time last year.

Keep up the healing and the support, you are a trully great person for sticking to you wounded husband and helping him to recover. Consistency is the key here, never change the goal and confuse the already confused husband.

Heal well
Martin

Thank you all!

Martin, yep! I've said those exact things to him, and he honestly didn't know why, because he had few tools at that point.

I had grossly underestimated his willingness to heal, and I feel lousy about that. That feeling will pass, though. I know that now.

Oddly, as soon I began to consistently do good things for myself (internally, spiritually, with friends, work-wise, and creatively),the amount of needs I expected him to meet lessened. Does that make sense? (Sure does in my brain.) While no one else could ever supply things only he, as my husband, coould, I started seeing where I had placed upon him the burden of meeting needs others easily could meet, or that I could meet myself. That took some of "the heat" off him and (I hope) helped him jump-start his healing some more. The fear before I did that though? HUGE. I was afraid he'd think he was off the hook and could act however he wanted to. I'm glad he didn't act that way.

Good stuff, Airmid! It sounds like you are definatly on the downhill slope!

I know exactly what you mean about it being odd that everything started to fall into place when you began to concentrate on you! I'm trudging that "work on me" path, too, and have found great help at www.recoverynation.com.

RN offers "workshops", free of charge, which are lessons you work through. For a fee, you can also get a "Coach" who will work with you one-on-one. I don't use that option, but for someone without insurance who can't afford a therapist, it would be a good alternative.

I've learned about CSA and sexual/love addiction and how I can reconcile the acting out with my own values. It's been so valuable to me that I thought I'd share it with you!

I send you a big round of applause! Attagirl!

herowannabe

Or, we can go uphill again...

I found out he's been addictively working again. I knew he was opening his old biz back up, and knew he was working 3 hours per night after the day job ended. What I didn't know is that he apparently is constantly on the phone while running errands, picking kids up from functions etc.

It's his othr woman. It's acting out. He never did stop, and I feel like an ass for having "snooped" and checked the phone records. But something felt "off". Now I know what it was and is. I'm secondary again...as soon as he's done seeking comfort, hiding out and avoiding intimacy, then I get mine. Nothin smarts as much as being ignored on a date while he fixes his phone, then arriving hom to find that he wants sex. Um...nope.

He's working, and nothing else. No help around the house. No willingness to read up on healing. Nada. Back at square one.

It hurts. A lot. I'm resentful, and it shows.

(((Airmid)))...

I so badly want to say something that will comfort you and provide some strength, but I got nuttin'. In the absence of true effort on his part, I just don't know what to offer that would be optimistic. Well, other than to remind you of what I'm sure you already know, which is that you can only be responsible for yourself, your personal growth, that of your children, and ultimately, the decisions you must make. Ugh.

I just posted Lesson 7 from the workshop at www.recoverynation.com on GoodHope's thread about expectations. The information contained in that lesson may provide some clarity for you during this disorienting time.

I am sending you love and asking the Lord to send His angels to surround you and hold you up!

Hugs-
herowannabe