Thanks bro fro your answer...
Dear Castle, I'm not sure if that could be called abuse, our experience wasn't violent in any sense; we were very small and totally lost children and we weren't aware of broader picture and meaning of all those things. You have to have in mind that we've started that kind of things by other older boys. And I as small boy used to knew that our behavior is consequence of experience whit those older boys. I've also knew that nor I nor my bro could control completely our behavior even we regularly tried.
In that respect we've felt like we were doing and playing sort of "forbidden" games. Things with other boys for me were something completely different and more related to abuse kind of things.
Blala, that part related to my possible talk to dad was just hypothetical question and I'm not sure would and when I'll talk to him. But have in mind that I need or let me be more precise my inner boy of 6 years has need to talk openly to his father and to feel encouraged to talk about some issues that are left on his shoulders. That need is strong and it will grow to colossal proportions in some future - this would be connected to my therapy.
I was feeling all my life that there are some things that are not allowed being asked by small child. That is one of reasons that we never talked to parents about our issues. I'm in some way very angry because of that, I was felt like I'm not clever enough or smart enough if I would ask some question related to sex things as small boy; I was left feeling like I was not competent to understand adult things. It was unbelievable for me that I knew more about animal world/kingdom than about human beings and its nature. I've knew more about insects and exotic animals by watching documentaries than about human behavior and sexual things by asking direct questions to our parents.
For me as 6 year old boy (or even younger) I was thinking that our elders where in some way immature and not ready for rising children, those were my thoughts when I would ask something and didn't got any logical answer. Because of that I'm furious when I see parents who are not interested to talk to children about all issues openly and when they treat child as someone who can't understand a thing. You know what is "proper" way of rising children in our culture, that I find very inadequate, old-fashioned and negative against child's need. It is relationship full with love and warmth but at other side far overprotective in its nature. Because of that (and there is more things also) I have desire to reshape from bottom to top my relation to father. Pardon me, but I don't give a damn about his age, cultural background and other things in that respect. I need to hear from him that he care about me, my problems, my interest and to get some understanding and support. I need to be recognized as competent and integrated person. Those are words/needs of small 6 years old boy that is left on his-own for so long time.
Those are things that bother me much more than CSA, my SSA or some other consequences of our inappropriate sex activities as boys. In some complex way that is interconnected whit CSA and I've consider it as deeper source of some our problems. I can't forgive myself because I didn't talk in such way to our mum and because she unfortunately died before I've had courage for serious talk. I can't help myself I was grown feeling like that and somehow it is my obligation to do it. In first place I need to do it for my own sake and secondly for sake of other children in our family. I would have many things to say to all our huge family members from grand father to all aunts and uncles but I wouldn't have opportunity for doing that and I don't see that I could accomplish a thing with so many of them. But our father wouldn't escape his fate
what can I say...
In that kind of talk I've also felt need to present all of us children (including you and sister). Both of you also deserved better treatment. Overall I don't want to make inappropriate and bad critic to father and to make him worry or guilty for something. I just need to talk very openly and to get understood. I need in first place him to understand himself and his actions and to say all that aloud. I know that our father needs such talk maybe even more than we do.
I don't know from where I've got my awareness of all those issues but I was felt like I was born with it, those are my deepest feelings...
Please consider that I'm a little bit exited and not in good mood at the moment, but I stand for all that I've said.