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#384084 - 02/01/12 08:30 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Yes Lee, wonderful news indeed,
It brought HUGE SMILE smile to my face.
It is 2:25 AM here; I'm full of adrenaline and feel
so overwhelmed that I don't know how and when I'll get to sleep wink.

_________________________
My story

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#384549 - 02/06/12 07:34 AM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I have to admit that I'm very connected to brother and don't know is he ready to dig in dark past.
As I can remember he used to teach me a lot of 'forbidden' things, he was like lieder and I was great follower in world of sexual discoveries. I cant recall when (but obviously very early) our knowledge has been leveled up.


Hi mine dear brother.
Yes, I am ready to speak openly and share what I know with the hope that it might help you feel better.
It is true that most of the things that you are facing now were passed from me to you, so in a way I feel responsible for your mess.

So this is how everything started, we were sometime just before school (we started school at 6). There were other boys in neighbourhood, most were older few years then we were.
Samir was one of those boys. I befriend him and his younger brother who was somehow mine age. I saw Samir as smart and older boy who did many adventures, so I wanted to be friend with him.

He was telling me stories about that hill above our house. Stories were nice in which he would describe playing there, hunting small animals like lizards and insects, searching for fossilized stones and such things that looked very cool to me.
Samir and his brother were not allowed to go so far away from home but they always did it under Samirís influence. One day I joined them too. I was a bit scared because I knew that I am not supposed to be there but I was also very curious to explore new things. Samir took us to the bushes and undress us, his brother knew what to do already. I was confused what is going on, Samir was aggressive and violent on moments and I froze and let them play wit mine body. I closed mine eyes and tried to think on something different, what shocked me was that mine body reacted to his stimulation against mine will. Later I came home and kept mine mouth shut, I was aware that something was changed inside of me, I could not sleep for days and felt panic when memories from that event would start to flow in mine mind. I even did not know what kind of activities we did and what does it mean.

I do not remember well how many times this repeated with Samir, I started to avoid him but it was not always possible since we lived so close. Then we moved away and I felt relieved.

Some time passed on and on one occasion we were talking with other boys about sexual activities. From this talk I realized final meaning of those things that I did with Samir and his brother on that hill and everything somehow was with new meaning. I also realized that you have no clues for most of those activities what they really mean. So I wanted to show you, that is how started our playing. I first show you how to jerk. I do not remember exactly how old we were but I know that we were well before puberty.

I spent a lot of time trying to reconstruct all those things over and over during years. Boy that you mention was living with his mother only and he moved out before us. I was not sure where and how Samir become so freaked up, mine first theory was that something was coming from his family, from father. He was from very conservative muslim family and atmosphere in his house was very strange for me, father was huge authority and Samir was a lot scared of him.

Another more probable theory is that there were actually three groups of boys, we were youngest, Samir and boy that you mentioned were a bit older and then there was group of almost grown ups. From Samir stories I remember that those oldest boys had somehow camping place in bushes on that hill and that sometime Samir went with them. I do not remember full faces or names of those boys but I know that I knew them indirectly from watching them playing around and from Samir stories. It could be that Samir was somehow abused by someone from this group.

The fact is that on that hill was always a lot of sexual activities, sometime grown up people would go there to have fun, but the same hill was also full of kids who were somehow exposed to this.

During time I knew that mine influence on you was completely inappropriate and that it would make mark on you. On the same time I did not have any borders and could not stop.

Now I would tell you few things regarding mine grown up status. I always knew that I am more attracted to the same sex. For me was problem barrier and anxiety wall that I felt for any other male that wanted to have something with me. I went on therapy and did take antidepressants. I was also able to speak about mine issues which was big improvement. At present most things are solved and I feel very good about myself.

Of course some things are part of me and it would be impossible to get rid of it. For example I am also addicted to porns and masturbation and in case that I am under big stress I become sexed up completely. If I want to date new guy it takes months before I feel relaxed on intimate level and could enjoy in sex. I also sometimes start sex during mine sleep like I was younger, before I did not like to share mine bed with other boys because of risk that I would start something without control and even now sometimes this can happen to me.
I have history of relationships with problematic persons, somehow I was looking specifically for problematic people (drugs, alcohol, sex issues etc.) because with such guys I was able to identify and feel more close.

Thatís all in short. If you have some questions I would be glad to try to answer you.
I am not so much concerned about your sexual orientation but more about your ability to have someone and enjoy relationships from all levels, it does not matter to me if your partner would be girl or guy.

Ivo


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#384582 - 02/06/12 01:44 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: Ivo]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey blala,
I've wonder when and how would you show yourself. After I've seen that you've written I was feeling shivering along my spine smile.
It is some kind awkward situation for me to talk to you in English and in front of many people but what the hell.
I'm feeling at least completely like true myself and without any camouflage layers. Plus I'm familiar with almost all things that you've written and it is nice to hear it directly from you. At least I'm sure that I wasn't hallucinating all my life that we can understand each other and transfer information without to many words. I wish that we were able to speak openly about our issues many years ago but it's never late for self improvement.

So brothers survivors please let me introduce to all of you my older twin brother Ivo, I've felt blessed that both of us separately found way for some recovery and healing and that we crossed our paths at MS! What a day, this should be celebrated smile!

PS: Blala, we will certainly talk further about all messy things but just for that theme and for sake of my heart we would do it more privately smile!!!
Pero

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#384615 - 02/06/12 07:06 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
AMAZING!

Wishing all the best to both of you!

I'm sure you will be great sources of comfort and support to one another. And so glad you're willing to share some of your memories and hard-won recovery process with all of us...

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384619 - 02/06/12 08:02 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 11:14 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#384622 - 02/06/12 08:35 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
You are both an inspiration to me!

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#384664 - 02/07/12 06:01 AM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

PS: Blala, we will certainly talk further about all messy things but just for that theme and for sake of my heart we would do it more privately smile!!!
Pero


Of course Blala, I feel here like at home lol and do not mind to talk maybe too openly, most people here have similar issues and know what we are talking about.

PS. for me is easier to speak in english, in our native language I am much more emotional so it is more difficult to open up.


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#384779 - 02/07/12 06:49 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: Ivo]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Lee, Eric and Jeff,
thanks for kind words, you all are awesome and for me heroes smile!!!
Now dear Brother, I've wonted to express my momentarily tension and excitement (my hearth is crazy these days) with all stuff; I didn't mean it really.
I'm aware of need to share all things even they are bad.
It is just crazy for me at the moment. I consider some gays here as friends and on other side you as my twin brother are also here. Third thing I've already exposed our dark past which includes sexual activities... All that mixed and put together is confusing and too much to swallow for me now.
Let say for me it is too complex equation:

Friends*MS+(twin brother/family matter)*CSA = (momentarily confusion)+Limes(quest for healing)-hopefully before infinity

I can't help myself I love math and I'm sure that we would find solution smile.


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My story

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#385400 - 02/12/12 12:38 AM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi everyone I've got some update related to my search for healing.
I have friend that is psychologist; we know each other for just one year. We have met at some poetry workshop and actually four of us from there become great friends. Yesterday I've sent short mail to her asking for advice in search for good therapist and voila: now I've also exchanged e-mails with my future T. So in short next friday I'll have first meeting with T and I'm thrilled.
Also I've told part of my story to some of my friends (three of them) and I'm getting huge support and understanding. It is great feeling that I need to share to everyone here smile!!!

One question to my dear brother:
I've also told part of our story to our niece to whom I'm like older brother, you know about whom I'm talking. We are very connected, she used to tell me all her secrets and problems. And sometimes I was only person for her out there who was giving her support which she didn't have in her own home. Now maybe in some future I'll have need to tell her our full story. If that would happen; how are your feelings regarding that? Would you be discomforted if someone from our family will know so intimate details about us? Also there in some future I'll talk to our dad. I presume that in that case I'll be in some awkward situation (he is a little bit distant person and not so talkative about intimate issues as I would like) and I'm not sure would I like to reveal everything to him. But in case if I would do some talk with my loud mouth tell me what would be your feelings?

PS. Blala I can't wait for July when you and J. will visit me, be prepared for meeting with huge crowd of my friends and for some lessons in Cuban salsa wink!



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#385549 - 02/13/12 08:19 AM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hi blala,
Of course you can share story with our niece if that would make you feel better, I do not have problems with that.

But with talks with our father I am not sure what would you achieve at the end, you know how much he sometimes worry and I wonder does he need this now when he is retired and in older age.

In general I think that you have some deep personal issues and that you are not even started to face them yet so be ready for some bumpy road and do not rush into anything and from time to time make break from this site too.

PS. I think that it would be beneficiary if I could come for few days to visit you and discuss all things in our way without other people arround.


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