I have to admit that I'm very connected to brother and don't know is he ready to dig in dark past.
As I can remember he used to teach me a lot of 'forbidden' things, he was like lieder and I was great follower in world of sexual discoveries. I cant recall when (but obviously very early) our knowledge has been leveled up.
Hi mine dear brother.
Yes, I am ready to speak openly and share what I know with the hope that it might help you feel better.
It is true that most of the things that you are facing now were passed from me to you, so in a way I feel responsible for your mess.
So this is how everything started, we were sometime just before school (we started school at 6). There were other boys in neighbourhood, most were older few years then we were.
Samir was one of those boys. I befriend him and his younger brother who was somehow mine age. I saw Samir as smart and older boy who did many adventures, so I wanted to be friend with him.
He was telling me stories about that hill above our house. Stories were nice in which he would describe playing there, hunting small animals like lizards and insects, searching for fossilized stones and such things that looked very cool to me.
Samir and his brother were not allowed to go so far away from home but they always did it under Samirís influence. One day I joined them too. I was a bit scared because I knew that I am not supposed to be there but I was also very curious to explore new things. Samir took us to the bushes and undress us, his brother knew what to do already. I was confused what is going on, Samir was aggressive and violent on moments and I froze and let them play wit mine body. I closed mine eyes and tried to think on something different, what shocked me was that mine body reacted to his stimulation against mine will. Later I came home and kept mine mouth shut, I was aware that something was changed inside of me, I could not sleep for days and felt panic when memories from that event would start to flow in mine mind. I even did not know what kind of activities we did and what does it mean.
I do not remember well how many times this repeated with Samir, I started to avoid him but it was not always possible since we lived so close. Then we moved away and I felt relieved.
Some time passed on and on one occasion we were talking with other boys about sexual activities. From this talk I realized final meaning of those things that I did with Samir and his brother on that hill and everything somehow was with new meaning. I also realized that you have no clues for most of those activities what they really mean. So I wanted to show you, that is how started our playing. I first show you how to jerk. I do not remember exactly how old we were but I know that we were well before puberty.
I spent a lot of time trying to reconstruct all those things over and over during years. Boy that you mention was living with his mother only and he moved out before us. I was not sure where and how Samir become so freaked up, mine first theory was that something was coming from his family, from father. He was from very conservative muslim family and atmosphere in his house was very strange for me, father was huge authority and Samir was a lot scared of him.
Another more probable theory is that there were actually three groups of boys, we were youngest, Samir and boy that you mentioned were a bit older and then there was group of almost grown ups. From Samir stories I remember that those oldest boys had somehow camping place in bushes on that hill and that sometime Samir went with them. I do not remember full faces or names of those boys but I know that I knew them indirectly from watching them playing around and from Samir stories. It could be that Samir was somehow abused by someone from this group.
The fact is that on that hill was always a lot of sexual activities, sometime grown up people would go there to have fun, but the same hill was also full of kids who were somehow exposed to this.
During time I knew that mine influence on you was completely inappropriate and that it would make mark on you. On the same time I did not have any borders and could not stop.
Now I would tell you few things regarding mine grown up status. I always knew that I am more attracted to the same sex. For me was problem barrier and anxiety wall that I felt for any other male that wanted to have something with me. I went on therapy and did take antidepressants. I was also able to speak about mine issues which was big improvement. At present most things are solved and I feel very good about myself.
Of course some things are part of me and it would be impossible to get rid of it. For example I am also addicted to porns and masturbation and in case that I am under big stress I become sexed up completely. If I want to date new guy it takes months before I feel relaxed on intimate level and could enjoy in sex. I also sometimes start sex during mine sleep like I was younger, before I did not like to share mine bed with other boys because of risk that I would start something without control and even now sometimes this can happen to me.
I have history of relationships with problematic persons, somehow I was looking specifically for problematic people (drugs, alcohol, sex issues etc.) because with such guys I was able to identify and feel more close.
Thatís all in short. If you have some questions I would be glad to try to answer you.
I am not so much concerned about your sexual orientation but more about your ability to have someone and enjoy relationships from all levels, it does not matter to me if your partner would be girl or guy.