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#383832 - 01/30/12 05:40 AM Facing past "trigger warning"
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi everyone,
I'm struggling for a while now and I'm exhausted so I just need some space here to vent my thoughts.
Aaaahhh, this is really hard for me so I need some support frown
After I've discovered this place I've finally saw some rays of hope and decided to do something about my life.
Spending time here is great and I've made some positive steps only by reading posts. But somehow I know this will not be enough and let say I'm now collecting courage for next step.

For those who didn't read I was unappropriated touched by other boys when I was 5-6 years old boy, my twin brother has had same experience. Actually we had it together later. And somehow I was suddenly drown into life of sexuality. I haven't felt all those actions like some sort of 'abuse' but more like play and fun. I was child and it seems to me that I'm discovering world of adults. But that experience has twisted me and I was aware since start.
Anyway some of my memories are gone and I can't recall too much. But as I have twin brother lately I'm obsessed with thoughts to ask him about our childhood. This Christmas was good opportunity for that. I told my bro by phone that I have some issues and that I've discovered site with full of resources which helps me a lot and that I need to talk to him. When I saw him I didn't have courage to go further in matter and he didn't ask.
Actually we had family reunion for Christmas and we went to Germany where my bro is living. We are living (my father, me, brother and sister) in three different countries. I'm alone in my country but with opportunity to see father more often than bro and sis. This was also opportunity to meet my brother's gay partner and his family. We all were a little bit exited because of all this. I'm coming from let say conservative country/culture where such things are almost like taboo but my family seems to be completely different and liberal in positive sense. We've spent great time there and somehow I wasn't ready to spoil everything.
I have to admit that I'm very connected to brother and don't know is he ready to dig in dark past.
As I can remember he used to teach me a lot of 'forbidden' things, he was like lieder and I was great follower in world of sexual discoveries. I cant recall when (but obviously very early) our knowledge has been leveled up. Later we've fortunately moved from other bad boys who were brought all that in our lives but we continued to do some things together until college times. As I've described in my story in time when my bro discovered that he is gay (that was relatively recently - couple years ago). He has felt responsible for my well being and my sexual orientation. He was mainly worry that I might be also gay because of him. I must say that I'm confused about myself and that I have same sex attraction but I don't consider my self as gay. I cant imagine that I'm touched by other man in romantic way and such physical contact is problem for me. But I used to watch a lot of gay porn and I'm always in really bad mood afterward. I've read a lot about this theme and I see my behavior mostly like recurrence of traumatic experience. This porn topic could be one day other post cause I've found a lot about sex abuse just by watching adult movies and I wonder have anyone else had such experience...

So basically I'm stuck with myself to go further I need to know as much details as possible. Who was first abuser to us, how many of kids were involved (we were group of at least 4-6 boys), when actually everything started, who was mainly responsible etc. Additionally bro sees one older boy particularly as abuser although I don't have such memories with him, I need to ask him about all that stuff in detailed way.I have also many questions to bro about our mutual sex activities. We didn't talk much about it.
I wonder if all that recalling would bring unwonted memories to my brother and make his life miserable. He had a lot of issues with himself when he 'came out' and It seems to me that he is finally very happy. I know that he is even more fragile than I'm, so I worry a lot about it. I'm also concerned would all that bring some negative change into my bro's sex life and his relationship.
So many questions....
Please if any of you have some advice how to proceed let me know. Send me pm or just write it here. I know that I'll go further certainly but in first place I would like to make as least harm as possible...

Pero


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#383858 - 01/30/12 02:46 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1200
Well, I won't PM just because I think this is a topic that others may want to read and learn from as well. I've been in a similar situation with my sister and a lot of the SSA dynamics resonate as well.

This whole site stands as a strong testiment to the enormous and even cathartic power of sharing. So many of us here who have posted in such painfully intimate detail have at one point rather died to protect those secrets. Climbing this wall for some of us is the emotional equivalent of the most courageous acts in other arenas. These secrets were once kept purportedly to protect ourselves, but as wiser and older people we now know that the secrets have only served to protect our abusers and perpetuate their actions with us and others.

So if you need to be convinced of the validity or reason you feel compelled to share more with your brother, I would argue that sharing is as vital to us as survivors as salmon trying to spawn upstream. You feel compelled to go there, and I would argue that you must try...

How to do it? I can only share how I broached the subject with my own sibling. It was a quiet walk in the park, I looked at her, and just quietly said the name of our abuser. I let her take it from there. It can be that simple...

Good luck, Pero.

_________________________



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#383875 - 01/30/12 06:13 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: Chase Eric]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Two words:

Tough love -

He may not want to hear it & face up to it any more than you did - but probly needs to just as much.

Be kind, gentle & loving - but do what you need to do for both of you - no matter how scary and painful it is.

Only MY opinion!

Do what your HEART tells you...

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#383880 - 01/30/12 06:42 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: Chase Eric]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks Eric and Lee,
I agree in everything you both said. Indeed I've felt like I was climbed on high wall and because of that I'm a little bit exhausted.
I will share all stuff with brother but I'm not sure about right moment. Thing is that I was feeling like I'll explode this morning and I needed some talk. I was at brink to call or send e-mail to brother and I wasn't sure would that do some damage to him. Today I was not 100% efficient at work and I was dreamy about my childhood all day long, my concentration was lost as well as connection to Earth smile.
My concern is related to feelings and scars that my brother used to have. He was really mess couple years ago. He was talking about child abuse and his feelings as victim. That was completely unknown area for me. When he talked to me I was in some shock myself and I could not talk too much. I put all my left energy to listen him and for attempt to calm him down somehow. I saw him when he was completely lost and that is something that bothers and scars me. I would never forgive myself if I will cause something like that happen again to him.
I wish I knew more about all this things at that time; It could do much more help and healing to both of us.
So one tide was pushing me to talk to bro and another one to keep quiet and wait for most appropriate moment.
I'll share all this to brother he is first at the list and I have some other names too. I desperately need that and my instincts are pushing me there.
One day I should also put my father to this list but o boy I'm scared just to think about that. As I type this I can hear roar of huge wave which is coming from my inside pushing me in that direction...



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#383885 - 01/30/12 07:34 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
One more thing,
I would love so much to bring my bro here. That would be great thing and I'm willing to invite him.
Actually if I'll think better I can't wait to bring him here, to meet all of you and to find all your stories.
That would be something!!!

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My story

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#384005 - 01/31/12 11:36 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
I have update here:
I've decided and wrote short e-mail to brother. I've told that I'm having some issues because of past. I've told him that I'm active at one great site where people who were abused met and that I need to speak to him about our childhood.
He wanted to know exact matter that are problematic for me but I told that we have time and that I'll slowly involve him.
Anyway we decided to talk today by phone and I feel really great!

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My story

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#384010 - 02/01/12 12:42 AM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pero

Sorry, been away from the site due to tech issues and i have found this thread.
I was abused by a stranger, it started when I was young, I think it was my mother that was the start of the whole thing. She used to "Wash" me often, and I can remember the bad feeling that I got when she came into the bathroom.
I was then abused by several men, and then one day my brother asked me to do some stuff with him.
I told him that I didnt want to do that, and was lucky that he left it. But this stuck in my mind for a long long time. When I came to MS this memory came out again, and I also had to talk to him. Also because I am a loud mouth, and want to help others in my country, I thought I better talk to my older brother and tell him what is happening.
Well I went to my older brother and told him and his response was, Oh not you too. What, so he to was abused as a child. I told him all and he feels that he has dealt with it and that not thinking about it is a cure. I try often to tell him different.
I then Skyped my middle brother and told him, especially since I heard that he was planning to divorce his second wife. And he told me that he to was abused.
So I told him about this site, and gave him all the contacts that I have and he is actively working on the issues.
So what I am saying is that all you can do is give them the information, they may or may not use it. But you... you did the right thing so dont give up. It may be scary, but it is worth the effort.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384054 - 02/01/12 02:36 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks Martin for support and kind words.
I've finally talk to brother and guess what?
He was at MS for years, he wasn't been here for a while but he used to be a lot. We both were surprised, very funny thing smile!
I'm really revealed and feeling easier for some weight. Our memory is more or less same about childhood. He is still concerned if I could be gay and that he involved me into all this stuff. But I'm not; my confusion is least problem for me at the moment.
I'm so happy that we've talked, I can't find appropriate words to express myself!!!
Additionally Matrix Men: http://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/ will get some hits from Germany too!!!
Regards,
Pero

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My story

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#384057 - 02/01/12 02:52 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Pero

Glad that you and your brother have spoken and that things are better between you.

Work hard and heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384071 - 02/01/12 06:40 PM Re: Facing past "trigger warning" [Re: whome]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
WONDERFUL news, Pero!

So happy for both of you that you are together in this. It will mpst likely multiply your healing rate to have the understanding of your brother - who shares the same memories and background. I can only imagine how "good" that must feel.

Smiling for ya!!!
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
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