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#383748 - 01/28/12 10:05 PM Disclosure tonight to my friends
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
****Trigger Warning****

I just got home from the neighbor's house. The timing tonight was just right to have a more serious talk with them about what really goes on with me. The good part was their daughter was over at a friend's house and Matthew was in the den playing air hockey with his friend. This allowed me to finally tell Rob and Tracy about my past abuse. They have been very good to me and are very open minded people. Great people, couldn't ask for better neighbors. We ate dinner and then it was just Rob, Tracy and I at the table. I contimplated it and then decided here is my shot to tell them what has been bothering me. The day I got out of the hospital, they saw me and asked where I'd been for a week. I told them about being suicidal and all but didn't want to drop the part about my past abuse adding to it. Just thought it would be too much so I decided not to tell them then. I started out and said I was raped at 11 by a 13 year old. I said I was also perped by a man in his 30s at 13. They had a look of feeling sad about what had happened to me. They offered words of support and said that is was not my fault that happened. Finally I find people that say that first thing! So many out there that have not been thru anything like what we have don't have a clue what to say nor pick the right words. It's like speaking a foreign language to them which I can understand. I talked about my relationship with my parents and what they have done to me over the years. And finally I find someone that agrees that my dad does not belong in my life either after what he did to me when I broke the silence. About 3 years ago I wrote a letter to my dad because I couldn't tell him on the phone that I was abused. He controls the conversation too much. He called me up the day he read the letter and started out saying we were going to NY to persue legal action against my perp. I told him it was not his choice so he proceeded to tell me I was at fault and deserved everything that happened. He really hurt me bad that night. I wrote a final letter to him that was about 3 pages long telling him about everything that he ever did to me that hurt me. I told him I will not even attend his funeral. We are done! I talked about how the second perp has started to become clear of how much that damaged me also. I was 13 and he was mid 30s and a family friend. Dad walked in on us the second time it happened. He yelled at me and never said a word to him. Mom and dad had an arguement for a few hours about this in the living room while I heard all of it. Dad said he did not want a son that was a faggot. This cut me to the bone. Next thing I remember is being in the kitchen for several hours into the early morning being interrogated about what I had done with him. I never told all of what happened. It was like a mental block and I shut down. Mom was there the whole time and let him verbally and mentally abuse me the whole time. She has done that all along. As long as she isn't the one being yelled at, she let it go on. From that night on I withdrew more from my parents. They really never knew who I was growing up and definately have no idea who the real me is after all that happened that night. Rob and Tracy said that there is no way they would walk in and yell at their son when a grown man is sexually abusing their young. They said he would have probably not walked out of that room but to not say a word to the guy is totally wrong. This guy was a family friend afterall. Rob told me of how his best friend commited suicide at 16 because he was molested also. He said he can understand it to a degree as the molester down the street coaxed him and his sister into his house one day. Rob's big brother found out where the two were and busted the door down and got them out of there. Rob said it was scary as the guy had a studio setup to take pictures. Rob also told me how his cousin was kidnapped and raped over a 4 hour period when he was young. They found her body dumped in a ditch and he said it devistated the family. I also told them about how I found MS and what it has done for me. I decided to be honest as they were very receptive as to what I was telling them. I told them I've been at this for 4 years now and it's still not a dent in all that I have to deal with. Overall, Rob said he knew that something else was there and told Tracy that I might eventually say all that was going on. It also turns out that a friend of Rob's that hangs out at the house is a survivor of sorts also. He didn't go into details but said Joey had a bad childhood. There are survivors everywhere around us. Sad that we have that in common. I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders for opening up to them tonight. So nice to have people that call you family and give you a hug when you leave. I couldn't ask for much better. Everyone that means something to me now knows what happened to me growing up. I only had one out all of them that didn't really want to talk or deal with the subject. Glad to have lots of support over this. Silence no more. This stuff is not worth keeping inside. We need to take back what was taken from us and live a good life. We are strong and will have victory over this. Hang in there guys because it does get better. Thank you for supporting me and most of all each other.


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#383757 - 01/28/12 11:59 PM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: nevragan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 915
Loc: southern California
Woe, Andy,
I wish I were there to shake your hand and pat you on the back.

You are a strong man. You are a courageous man and you are a warrior. You are a hero and a role model. Indeed, YOU are a survivor.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#383767 - 01/29/12 03:20 AM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: nevragan]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
The support of friends that you can tell anything to is priceless.


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#383768 - 01/29/12 03:36 AM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Andy,
I read your post on Our Ring and was going to return after some thoughts and comment...now you got me crying again. Bittersweet tears of sorrow and happiness.
What a great disclosure experience!
I had quite a few that turned into a bonding also.
That took guts man...proud of you. Hope you sleep well and rested because of the released energy.
Thanks for the opportunity to get to know your daily lifes challenges and triumphs.

(((Doug Hug)))

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#383770 - 01/29/12 04:08 AM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Andy you are so lucky to have people in your life that support you like that. Stay strong and keep moving forward Mike


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#383782 - 01/29/12 10:24 AM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: mike13]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
That is fabulous support and help. Sometimes friends are the most helpful as are strangers who have become friends. They listen, try to understand and support. It is a great comfort and sometimes sadly, those that witness or you tell react as your father did--it hurts and leaves scars. But you now know you have support of your friends to help you through the difficult times. You are moving forward and healing.

Kevin


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#383786 - 01/29/12 12:18 PM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: KMCINVA]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Andy,
Congrats on your courage. Isn't awesome to have others listen and acknowledge what you have to say and what you went through? Yes, a weight for you has lifted and it must feel incredible.
I commend your strength and also your instincts. You trusted yourself and shared in a manner you were comfortable with.
Good for you! This is a big step on this path. You choose who to tell and you choose to share for your own reasons. It is uplifting.

I have shared with a number of family and friends in much the same way as you did. It feels so good to break the silence and to 'explain' to others why we are the way we are.
Change is good Andy.
You've done some incredible work. Good for you.

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#383789 - 01/29/12 03:11 PM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: G5]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am happy for you Andy.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#383794 - 01/29/12 05:39 PM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hi Andy,

Good you told. Many Survivors fear telling their story. I have also done a great deal of true confessions. Got many positive feedbacks, also, people, (friends and relatives) who no longer communicate with me after my confession. That is the risk I was ready to take. Some have come home to me after 6 months. We are setting a bomb off in front of them Andy; so give them time, they do not know how to respond to the news you have just dumped on them. I am the worst, because I have the need to give them 'Blow by blow' de>
_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#383799 - 01/29/12 06:35 PM Re: Disclosure tonight to my friends [Re: Lo Don]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Andy -

Amazing disclosure and wonderful results! Good for you for biting the bullet and talking to your friends. So glad you now have them on your team. This part of your post is so encouraging to me - and I am sure, many others:

"I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders for opening up to them tonight. So nice to have people that call you family and give you a hug when you leave. I couldn't ask for much better. Everyone that means something to me now knows what happened to me growing up. I only had one out all of them that didn't really want to talk or deal with the subject. Glad to have lots of support over this. Silence no more. This stuff is not worth keeping inside. We need to take back what was taken from us and live a good life. We are strong and will have victory over this. Hang in there guys because it does get better. Thank you for supporting me and most of all each other."

Sometimes we need to replace some of our biological family members with those who truly feel a kinship and bond with us.

This part of your post exactly duplicates my experience:

"Mom was there the whole time and let him verbally and mentally abuse me the whole time. She has done that all along. As long as she isn't the one being yelled at, she let it go on. From that night on I withdrew more from my parents. They really never knew who I was growing up and definately have no idea who the real me is after all that happened that night."

I've had to just put it aside because there is no way to mend the damage. They never even recognized the truth and were not capable of it. Scott Peck calls this type of people "people of the lie." But they don't have to define you by their blindness. I hope your new and growing support team will be to you exactly what you need - and you will help them learn and grow so that they and you can also help others.

Regards,
Lee



Edited by traveler (01/30/12 02:12 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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