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#383722 - 01/28/12 12:41 PM shyness
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Not sure if Iíve should post sign ďtrigger warningĒ but have in mind that Iím talking about my shyness during regular medical checkup and couple of memories from my early childhood and bad experience with other boys.

I've need to share some thoughts and I wonder have any of you have similar feelings.
Lately I've been somehow drawn here at MS trying to figure it out where I'm standing, what I should do in near future, how to recover myself and that kind of stuff. And some things are just popping out from nowhere. Firstly I would like to say that I was always a little bit shy and introvert person but yesterday I was super shy and not sure why. I've got medical checkup in some clinic, it is regular procedure, my company care for our health and it is not my first check (actually Iíve had it let say at least 6 or 7 times). I was a little bit nervous that day (I donít like hospitals) and I came very early in the morning. Iím a little bit embarrassed to say but one of technician was looking to me like he was gay. I saw that he gave couple of looks at me when he passed by. And he took care for me for two examinations (one was EKG). He explained what will be test, showed me everything, Iíve took of my shirt and lay at the bed for check. I was so uptight that I didnít say a word but I was compliant as this technician needed to pull my socks down and to place electrodes to my ankles at feet and hands. Iíve needed to be calm for few minutes and I was trying and succeeding at start but for couple of seconds I was having taught that some man looks at me while Iím laying half naked and my hearth started pumping like crazy. In that three minutes everything repeated like that for two times. He was very professional and I wonder was I exited just because of environment or there was something else. After Iíve finished he took me to an orthopedist. It was actually relatively young and good looking women/girl. Technician went first in and then they called for me. Now maybe I was hallucinated but actually Iíve had feeling that this gay told doc that Iím good looking. It seems to me like that was only reason why Iíve waited to come in. When I went in this doc was full of smiles, her eyes blinked like crazy and she was very talkative. She made some pause when she said that she needs to view me without shirt and because of that pause I was thinking o my gush what is this all about. I was felt like Iím main course at plate. Overall it wasnít big deal. At the end I also take part in conversation and we actually laughed at her words that she would have a lot of free time if all patients are in shape like Iím. But it came to me that Iím really shy and I donít like being exposed in front of other people. It stroked me even more fact that Iím avoiding at any cost being spotted on street, club or other crowded place by other people. Iím especially annoyed if someone openly gets attracted and tries to approach me at some public place. Even though I might be lonely and need talk I would avoid further conversation. Actually I donít know how to handle compliments regarding my look and that kind of situations are hell for me...
Now as Iím writing this Iím suddenly remembering that when I was 13 year old boy bunch of some bullies tried to catch and beat me and my twin brother because we were very popular in school and with girls. This could be reason for my shyness (I was spotted by bad gays and have problems). But I was shy even before that. I wonder if that has any connection with my early experience with other boys. When I was 6 year old I was inappropriately touched for couple of times by other older boys. That experience twisted me and my brother and we later went on even further. Iíve finished my childhood with huge bag of shameful feelings sitting on my back. I have moments when Iím completely felt opened to others, strangers, gay people, crazy people, new girls, old girls, drunken people etc and not at all felt shy. I wonder is that real me under cover...
I know that this is not some issue. Nevertheless by this post I wonted to expose my self further to others, to share some of my feelings and to fight my shyness smile.


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#383761 - 01/29/12 02:00 AM Re: shyness [Re: peroperic2009]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Good for you, Pero. Getting it out is good. Your shyness or perhaps its more social anxiety is normal for survivors of abuse. At one point, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder but I'm begining to think its more generalized anxiety more than just social. Though social situations are hard for me as well. I think we tend to isolate ourselves because we are ashamed of what happened with the abuse and think that its all we are good at and all that anyone would want from us. Dont know how to work on this but keep talking.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#383772 - 01/29/12 04:10 AM Re: shyness [Re: onlyakid]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks Jason,
didn't see you for a while here. My life/work brought me to situations where I was forced to give presentations in front of 30-50 people and somehow I've used to such social interactions. But at the beginning it was really scary for me; I've felt so exposed in front of to many unknown people. In one way I've fought this shyness but sometimes I'm feeling back to old habits and closing myself to others. With my friends I'm totally different, they know me as very optimistic and ready for action and fun. Although just couple of them know that I have some issues and that I have some other side too.
I had to admit that I've had some problems related to this issue when I come to relationships. For your record and your 'officially loser' post I've had just couple of girls in my life and that was let say long time a go. Last girl actually approached me in first place smile. It was my nightmare date. I was caught in situation when someone unknown has flattering me and expressing openly sympathy to me. Oh boy, I was so embarrassed but somehow I went trough. So I'm kind of loser too but I don't mind too much and I can see sometimes funny side of all that smile. In those times I didn't have enough trust to bring someone new to my life and I've stuck still there. I must admit that I'm sometimes mistrustful to other people but to ones who gain my trust I'm always open and supportive.
I can conclude: there is huge long life work in front of me, that is only solution. But I'm not scared of any work wink...
Pero


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