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#383713 - 01/28/12 09:04 AM What are fair expectations?
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
So everything blew up in May 2011 and he immediately started therapy. I did also (separately). He was kind of reading one book about male child rape (CSA), but he didn't finish it and hasn't picked up another since. He didn't renew the therapy after a couple of months and I said something so he signed up for more sessions, the last of which ended in early December. He hasn't been reading the books or watching the films suggested by his therapist and now he hasn't scheduled any new sessions and I'm anxious and antsy.

I'm also determined not to say anything to see what he is going to do next. I'm not sure the therapy will help him if it is me making him go, but I'm also sticking to what I told him, I'll stay as long as you are getting help. It feels unfair, like i'm keeping score in a game he doesn't know we are playing (although I told him explicitly, I'll stay if you get help).

I honestly don't understand how he can have this time bomb in him that he claims to hate but isn't doing everything he can to disarm it. So if it isn't therapy, fine, read a book, come to this site, read a blog--SOMETHING.

Am I being unfair?

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#383717 - 01/28/12 10:01 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: GoodHope]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: GoodHope
...Am I being unfair?


goodhope, i don't believe there is a set time for this evolution of recovery... my own process began with an attempt on my life in dec. 1986, which led to twice-weekly therapy visits for a year, then weekly for the next two years. during that time i also joined a male support group, which lasted three years and all forms of therapy finally ended in may 1991.

dealing with "things" continue to this day though. the difference between then and now is that i draw upon those tools taught by the therapist and others to continue.

_________________________
Jeff

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#383718 - 01/28/12 10:56 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: westchesterguy]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
I don't have a time frame for recovery-I fully expect this to be something he struggles with for a very long time. It's bad, it's huge, it's mind altering and perception changing--you only have to study a little about CSA to get that. But I need/want him to be actively working on it in some capacity and there is no evidence of that.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#383719 - 01/28/12 11:08 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: westchesterguy]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1342
Loc: kansas
not so sure on you being unfair as in it might be that he hit a plateau, or come to a place that he's stuck at and not sure how to get through it.

recovery is similar, but different for everyone. similar in that a lot of the goals are the same. different in how some things may work for some and not for others....

might want to talk to him, if he's able to talk about it, to see if perhaps he has come to a place in his recovery that he's plateaued at. he can see further progress needs to be made, but not sure how to make those advancements...

for instance, i've hit some points in my recovery where i was at a "level" spot for a while.. not really progressing, but not falling back either... i knew there was more to do, but just didn't know how to break through to move on.... then i got triggered by some events that were going on with other survivors. i talked to another survivor, that i knew was in a good spot at the time, and came away with some thoughts that weren't brought to my attention. things that weren't mentioned at my t sessions or in the book i've been reading... it took me to a different approach of looking at myself and where i was, where i am and where i want to go... from there i was able to see the path i had to go and the tools to get me there... this all came about from just talking to another survivor...

will this work for him? it might... then again, it might not...

i would try talking to him first though to see if maybe he's just stuck at the moment in his recovery.. not going forward but not going back either.... if he is, might try encouraging him to see about other avenues of getting help, along with the ones he is already encompassing...

just a thought..

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#383739 - 01/28/12 07:10 PM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: GoodHope]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: GoodHope
I honestly don't understand how he can have this time bomb in him that he claims to hate but isn't doing everything he can to disarm it. So if it isn't therapy, fine, read a book, come to this site, read a blog--SOMETHING.
Am I being unfair?

We are taught that men are tough and can just get over any pain and move on, suck it up be a man. Men are taught they do not have a right to be weak or in touch with their emotions. Well it is not so men are human and have fear and revisiting something so horrible as abuse is not easy at any age. He is not seeing this from the outside looking in but trapped inside whatever walls he put up to keep alive and safe.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#383745 - 01/28/12 09:30 PM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: GoodHope]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
FOR THE EYES OF SUPPORTERS ONLY! POSSIBLE TRIGGER!

Well...coming to you from the same boat you're in, the SS Betrayed Wife, I don't think you are being unfair at all. You didn't say, "get over this and I'll stay", you said "get help and I'll stay".

You have been (here it goes) abused by his acting out. You have to feel safe from further hurt, and you can't begin to feel safe until you see activity that indicates safety is ahead.

You have a massive amount to bear in swallowing your own pain, taking care of your kids and home, staying employed in spite of all you have going on, AND in helping him. In many ways, you have the heavier load. Yet, you have put your own healing and recovery behind his in an effort to tend to the more critical injury, which is his. So who is being unfair?

If he appreciates your support, values your presence, admires your love, which is so deep you have put him ahead of your own self, in spite of what he's done against you, then he must show that by putting forth the same effort as you. At the very least, if he wants to do his part to repair the damage done to you and your marriage, he must abide by your condition for remaining with him: take ownership of his recovery and get about it.

Your expectation, IMHO, is more than fair. Now, how to get your expectations met...?

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#383749 - 01/28/12 10:07 PM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: herowannabe]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
Here is the part I hate though. How long do I wait for him to NOT do anything for his healing? If I say something, he will call and make therapy appointments. It's his MO. He's a pleaser.

He's been a pleaser our whole marriage but before I knew of the abuse and his inability to assert himself, I gave him ample opportunities to share his opinion, and when he didn't, I'd just go with what I wanted to do because despite repeated requests, he would never say "I want x" or "I don't want x". Now that I know he can't assert himself, every decision pains me because I feel like I'm contributing to his lack of growth. He probably doesn't even WANT therapy. He probably has been going all along just so I won't leave. I think he'd be perfectly willing to live in marital misery as long as it looked ok to every one else.

My therapist pointed out that often I use the word "stuck" a lot and that is how I feel.

Worse than that, he wouldn't understand me leaving. He's not mean. We don't yell at each other. As far as I know, he's stopped cheating. I don't think he is using porn right now. He's not open or forthcoming (just like always).

I'm reading "Evicting the Perpetrator" (did you catch that I am the one reading it) and the section on self destructive behavior really got my attention. I do not generally share what I am learning about child rape with him--he seems to not be interested and I don't know what triggers him--but I did ask him to read that passage (this is after I made the original post). I asked him about it and he said it describes what he has experienced to a "t". I then told him, I don't believe you can "white knuckle" this for very long and you aren't reading anything, going to your therapist or working with any support groups. I'm very anxious about that, can you see why?" He just kind of shrugged yes.

I look at my poor little kids who adore their daddy and the hurt, confusion and turmoil that awaits them if he doesn't work on getting well. I do not think that I will be able to withstand another acting out episode with other people when I know he didn't do everything he could (or even anything he could) to prevent it.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#383773 - 01/29/12 04:10 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: GoodHope]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
dear GoodHope,
BTW - i love the name!

I am a male survivor from 5-15 (off and on) and only became aware enough of my issues to seek help in my mid 30s. For me the therapy was almost more painful than the original abuse because I was approaching it with full awareness and adult understanding and newly-sensitized feelings that had been disconnected from the time of some of the earliest events.

It is kind of like going to the dentist when you know you have a really bad problem that needs attention like impacted wisdom teeth. You know it will be better afterwards but there is a huge scary painful process to go through in between the pain now and the relief later that seems even worse than whatever you feel in the present.

Facing up to everything is VERY difficult and agonizing. It could be that he wants the end result but is scared to death of reliving everything in all the gory grusome details. There is also an incredible amount of shame connected with this for men - not only admitting they need halp but that they were victimized and that there masculine self-image has been severly wounded.

One of the most helpful tools I have is the MS forums. It has really helped me connect with other guys that understand everything because they've been through it and also connect with my own memories and the effects of the conditioning and my reactions and feelings and even suggest helpful tips and new ideas that I hadn't considered and might not have thought of on my own. Now I'm hooked and really miss it when i can't check in for a day or two. Maybe you could get him interested in this if he hasn't signed up. There are sure to be several guys on here who will have some strong similarities in their past lives and the same feelings in the present as him. When someone responds to one of my posts its one of the most encouragiing things i can experience.

Just a few thoughts. I know it can't be easy for you because it's not easy for my wife, either.

Wishing you strength, courage and endurance,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#383780 - 01/29/12 08:59 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: traveler]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Hi Hope,

It is such a tuff situation we find ourselves in. If he is going to therapy to just appease you, that is a huge waste of time and money,

but I can see what the survivors are saying and I agree. It is a process and a very scary process at that. It takes time.

We have no control of others lives, unfortunately wink. We are ppowerless and that sucks. The problem lies in that, at least in my marriage, my husband has put his life and my life at risk. I had to tell him as much as I love him and want this marriage, if he isn't getting help I can't stay because I don't want to die. I still have kids that need raised. I told him I love him but I love me more.

So that is the dilemna. Powerless over him. I don't fully understand the depths of their fear of facing it and getting help but I can't put my life at risk.

Pray about it and make sure he has a good therapist. In my opinion, the best place to find GOOD therapists is at Sex Addict meetings. My husband is on his 4th as am I. It is so important to have therapists who fully understand this and are maybe just a little tough and can push them to face it all. Our therapists, thank God we found them, are very compassionate yet they don't put up with bullshit, his or mine.


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#383781 - 01/29/12 09:18 AM Re: What are fair expectations? [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
Traveler, your analogy makes it crystal clear (and 5 - 15 is about the same span of time as my husband. I think he still struggles w the idea he was abused. I can get him to see that 5 yo can't consent but because he "agreed" to it eventually he has a hard time believing it wasn't all consensual. What a clever little trick of the devil. I wish he would come here. He has posted just a handful of times and rarely visits. I offered to never come here again and leave it for him because even w my non CSA Background I can see how powerful this community is for survivors. I can see the growth, wisdom and understanding of certain regular posters.

Lucy, your reality (kids to raise, risk of life threatening stds) are my reality as well. I feel like my options are to get out now or wait til he falls hard. (which wo help I believe is inevitable). The downside to waiting for that is that by the very nature of what I laid out for him, I won't be there while he picks himself up again.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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