Newest Members
MG5555, ShinTensei, jaklumen, Bennett, 0128
12506 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Moriji (44), Nicos (48), weharry1959 (55)
Who's Online
2 registered (manipulated, traveler), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12506 Members
74 Forums
64205 Topics
448046 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#383022 - 01/21/12 12:22 PM More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
I have to write or talk. I am confused, anxious and unsettled from last nights flashbacks. I have three clients to meet today and last night has wiped me out. I am finished with two of the clients and one more later. I had to do everything to keep it together but I was not on my A game. Focus was hard because my mind would wander back to last night, I had to keep talking just to get through the meetings. I hope all went ok but exhausted.

Last night, the flashbacks were so vivid and real, my arms are scratched as I tried to get his hands off me. I saw things I had not seen since the nightmares that happened during college after a professor (priest) grabbed me in a way that forced me to push him away. I felt sick and dirty. He was sent away to rehab a few weeks later and I do not know if his grabbing was an accident or intentional. I had nightmares and spoke with a psychology professor, who advised counseling—which I did not do. After a few weeks I was able to rebury the memories. But those nightmares showed so much of what happened and I never truly forgot those memories. And my current flashbacks until last night did not go this far with the memories. It was disgusting and I could not sleep. I had to take a shower during the night to wash the dirt, his hands and disgust off my body.

My T on Thursday told me the memories would continue and if there were more they would surface at some point. What I saw last night makes me sick and disgusted, I want them to stop. Also, I am beginning to understand more of what my T means by re-victimization. When I left the house this morning I walked past the office and looked in and I felt the heebe-jeebies and I could see a person spitting at me, my head on desk with people screaming and point fingers at me, and all the other torment that went on in that room. I saw the priest he was there with his hands on my back. I guess everything is so mixed in my mind now. My T told new torment can trigger wounds of old abuse. I know the old memories came back in that office, a room I hate to go into now because after awhile there I feel sick.

Do the memories ever stop and the feelings of someone touching you go away? That part is so hard for me, I feel violated over and over when I feel his hands, the pain, his touches and his brutalization of me.




Edited by KMCINVA (01/21/12 01:02 PM)

Top
#383032 - 01/21/12 02:53 PM Re: More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad [Re: KMCINVA]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey brother,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

And amazed you keep up the work schedule and show yourself to be able show up AND be going through such horrible flashbacks.

In my (limited) experience, these flashbacks and dreams are a letting go of stuff buried deep inside- they are signs that things are shifting inside.

So long as I am not re-creating or simulating the abuse in my life (bad relationships, abusive cycles of behavior, escaping thru some unhealthy, unsustainable behavior, then my memories finally feel it is safe to come out and trust the conscious me to take care of my whole self and be strong enough to walk thru this.

I've also done a lot of work early on about expelling the memories, shaking them off, vomiting them out of me, etc. even writing them down may help.

This includes the messages about the shame, filth, abuse, that i took on: I throw those back at the feet of those they belong to; the people who shoved that stuff onto me now have to deal with this stuff-I won't hold onto it anymore.

Physically I still hold onto stuff that comes up so long as I am walking forward on this path-I have to remember I am and can stand upright and make forward movement, sometimes just looking back and enjoying the view about how far I have come helps me.

You wrote about being "able to rebury the memories"-I don't think that works for me: I have to let them come out and disintegrate/evaporate-they only have power when they are buried or secret or I'm isolated.

Just my two cents.

I am glad you are here.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#383034 - 01/21/12 03:18 PM Re: More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad [Re: Mountainous Buck]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Thanks--I use to rebury the memories--and like you said that is where the power is--in the buried memories. I am letting them go now and do not want to go back to the old coping mechanism of reburying. I am trying to fully accept it was not my fault but the fault of those that abuse and torment. But I harbor guilt that I could let the CSA and later in life torments happen. I know they are not my fault but accepting has been hard for me. I am working on it.


Top
#383116 - 01/22/12 04:03 PM Re: More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad [Re: KMCINVA]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Man that is some intense stuff. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm not able to face my nightmares yet cause I drink to fall asleep. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and you will get through it. You are one hell of a strong man for still going to work the next day after such a terrifying night. That strength inspires me and I thank you for that.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't fuck it up. You are powerful for fighting through this.

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

Top
#383212 - 01/23/12 08:27 AM Re: More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad [Re: blindpet]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Thank you--last night after two nights I had a great sleep--feel refreshed. Ready to keep moving ahead. A clear head makes a world of difference.


Top
#383631 - 01/27/12 12:28 PM Re: More Painful Memories So Anxious and Sad [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Just to follow up--thank you for the support and PM's. I am feeling much better and starting to see myself in a different light. My T has also been very helpful and after yesterday's session I am beginning to realize we can self abuse and hold ourselves responsible the CSA, when it was not our fault, as well as other abuses and torments in our life. I need to hold those who have abused or tormented accountable.

It has been helpful to have your support. I realize I have a tendency to let myself be the victim, I am working on not allowing it anymore but it is hard to change. I realize the people around me expect me to be the only one who should apologize for my acting out. Which I am extremely sorry about but I am getting help and working through the past and trying to heal.

Sadly, I realize I too deserve an apology for being spat on, papers, computers, car being ransacked and letters stolen, invading my privacy, unauthorized credit card charges,going into private accounts, work access cards stolen, locked in a room and having to climb out a window, verbal attacks,office and desk papers being thrown over the room,computer files being taken from my computer and phone,children being told private parent issues as to how deficient I am, hearing my family is white trash (which they are not--no one should be labeled such a term) and it goes--I know if I did these things to them I would here starting at the top what a horrible person I am, now they need to do some reflection. Well no human should endure this treatment. I am exploring, reflecting and healing while I face isolation, attacks as I try to heal--setting me back but I will not give up on myself. I am starting to see value in who I am and everyone here should their value and worthiness and I can see others need to see and ask if their actions are value added or destructive. Together we will heal.

Thanks




Edited by KMCINVA (01/27/12 01:46 PM)

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.