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#383349 - 01/24/12 12:04 PM what happens when your alone
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
In the last year, I have lost my job, my car and my home. I found myself alone. The male survivors support group here locally struggles with attendence and only a few of the guys out of dozens have stayed with the group. I was forced - due to not being able to attend - to not attend the group. Some of the group members and other male survivors from the community went public recently.

All of the above situations, brings me to topic "what happens when your alone." What happens inside your head? What happens inside your body and spirit as well for which we are not as aware of?

Here are some of my past issues and the thoughts about the links to the abuse:

1. I would get very jealous of others relationships to each other. Link to the past: I was not allowed to have MY OWN relationships.

2. I think "I am no good" without others around me. Link to the past: I felt sick to my stomach about the abuse being done to me.

3. I believe I am not valuable to others. Spiritually, my childhood innocence was taken from me.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means.

The solution is: To believe I am valuable. I am a good man. I am a gift to others. I "do" - am active - in my own recovery. I am "present" in the lives of others.

What happens when your alone?

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#383355 - 01/24/12 01:56 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: Avery46]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Here are some of my past issues and the thoughts about the links to the abuse:

1. I would get very jealous of others relationships to each other. Link to the past: I was not allowed to have MY OWN relationships.

>>> Yep, I was the same and still am. I wasn't allowed any either and, if I did hang out with one or two people, it was controlled.

2. I think "I am no good" without others around me. Link to the past: I felt sick to my stomach about the abuse being done to me.

>>> I think I'm no good no matter what. I didn't know about the CSA for 23 years.

3. I believe I am not valuable to others. Spiritually, my childhood innocence was taken from me.

>>> Same here.

I have lost everything in the since 2008 including my health. Around $150,000 in debt now. Had to go to the shrink yesterday for SS disability so they could gauge my emotional health related to dying (it was 30 minutes and that was what it was for). Maybe that's a good thing since they think I am extremely sick, which I am, as far as getting it approved.

I think you said you have heart issues (and neuropathy) too. The psychologist was up front about CSA and heart problems being related. Not could be but is without any doubt. There was no question in his mind at all. None. Pedos don't just take your innocence, they take your health and your soul too. I took yesterday as "sorry you got f-cked and now are f-cked because of it."

I'm reading a self-esteem book to understand and finally got Victims No Longer from the library. Victims No Longer is good if you don't know what is happening and why but lacks the how to fix it.

Maybe just realize it could be a lot worse and think, "I've got a shot to turn this around." Maybe, just maybe that's enough motivation for you to keep fighting. I dunno. It really sucks to think that way, doesn't it? You still have a choice to work at it.

I'm sorry, dude. That's all I can think. Peace.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383384 - 01/24/12 06:52 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: phoenix321]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
dj, do you have a job now?
i know what a nightmare job loss is and how serious a situation we have today for professionals. you have to know someone to get a job these days.
message me privately if you want to do the linkedin thing together to tap into my contacts.

_________________________
Jeff

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#383475 - 01/25/12 10:13 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: westchesterguy]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 102
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
How it goes when I'm alone for me depends on how well I'm occupying the time. If I'm doing stuff then I'm usually ok. If I'm doing something I really enjoy and everything's going well than I'm on top of the world. But things slide off the rails pretty quickly if I've got time on my hands and I'm not doing anything. All the bad feelings of not having any friends, not being allowed to do what everybody else's enjoying doing and that nobody values me or my contribution to the world, and my self esteem just crashes. It's an awful feeling.

I try to tell myself that none of those feelings are true and that none of that stuff applies but it rings hollow. Effectively, I need to keep myself distracted when I'm alone otherwise I start feeling really crappy so if I don't have anything else to do, I'm usually reading and listening to music to fill time and keep my mind from wandering back to the broken record of negative thoughts. I don't know what else to do about it.

_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#383535 - 01/26/12 12:55 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: ShortedDiode]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: ShortedDiode
...I don't know what else to do about it.


Shorted,

I hear what your saying. I call those automatic negative messages (ANTs). What do I do with ants is get rid of them. It takes time to deal with them. I found time in my day to write some of them down - I took many days over a few months. After I wrote them down I would write the truth next to the ANTs message. I would play music or call a friend or even had a friend sit with me to distract me as I wrote them out. I repeated positive messages about myself and the universe.

I have to watch my diet. I had to stop filling the extra time I had (my alone time) with negative things like drinking or watching porn. I had to stop eating twinkies or sugary foods.

What other things do you all do when your alone?

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#383547 - 01/26/12 03:13 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: Avery46]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Read and, unfortunately, sleep.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#383558 - 01/26/12 04:27 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: Jim1104]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: California
Finding and doing the things I love to do helps immensely with loneliness. I just have to choose to do it. When the depression is kicking me in the ass, I have to drag myself into doing these things.

Fortunately, having a 15 month old puppy helps with that. I just have to pretend to play with him for a few minutes, and within a few minutes, I'm laughing and genuinely playing with his cute responsivity

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#383562 - 01/26/12 06:32 PM Re: what happens when your alone [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I read
I write
I get on here and read what other guys have written
I write and post here
It all helps

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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