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#383502 - 01/26/12 04:49 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hi Ed.....I can totally relate and am sorry that both of us, among many others, have to go through this crap.

I have gone through live very lonely....lots of friends in high school/college, but over the years, they are gone, maybe due to life circumstances, but mostly because of my lack of trying.....so wish that I had a male friend. I am married, but that is just not the same. Lost my Dad this year, so there goes another deep male bond.

I wish that I knew how to develop commpassion for myself and others....that would probably go a long way to having relationships with other guys.

Thanks for your post....lets keep working on this, ok?

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#383508 - 01/26/12 08:31 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Clockwise]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
I love learning about history and going to museums and stuff like that (I really want to go to the Smithsonian!) but those are things that most 22-year-olds are not into. I've never been into sports so that's a whole demographic that I can't relate to and women and sex are a whole different story.


I'm not a sports guy either as far as following teams and sitting and watching a full game of any sport. It doesn't hold my interest. I thought something was missing from me since I didn't seem to do this typical man thing. But I'm finally accepting, gratefully, that's not what makes one a man. Accepting my values and interests and living according to those internal "gifts" or traits or whatever makes me, me, that is being a man. I don't have to fit in traditionally and that is giving me freedom. Its later in my life than I would have liked but its true.

If you look at things realistically, do you know how many men love history and science (Edit: I don't know if you meant science - I may have read it in to your post and I was going to edit it out but I decided to leave it in)? There's thousands of books and periodicals in both areas so its a HUGELY masculine area. I thought the same thing about myself - my interests were somehow less masculine and I would never measure up.

The fact that so many of us MEN share the same feelings and perspective means, for me, we are all alike in that way, thus, we are all men who didn't necessarily share football but a perspective of being an outsider from other men and maybe that's some form of path in itself. That we all grew up separate, not knowing each other but feeling the same, says to me that this perspective of being an outsider isn't abnormal or unique. Its a minority perspective but obviously not unique to me or you or others. Rather than hate it and despise myself, I am seeking the gifts that I've tried to throw away.

I was rejected by others and I continued to live that out internally and subsequently then reject others (since I thought they would reject me) and it was a vicious cycle. By doing all of the work I am doing now, I am determined to make my space in the world but trying not to in an alienating way. Its a struggle.

Someone else wrote:

Quote:
You will be yourself and that's all it takes. Nothing more is necessary.


Ultimately, being myself and knowing that I'm fine as is, nothing more is necessary. You're interests and pursuits are those of a man and even if they don't seem TO YOU like male pursuits, the fact that you are interested in them is all that matters. They are important to you and maybe no one told you or let you know that what you find interesting is simply important because that will tell you who you are and who you are is important. I missed out on this message but I know that its what I needed and need.





Edited by EdfromNYC (01/26/12 08:56 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383509 - 01/26/12 08:38 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: happybuddha1]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
I have gone through live very lonely....lots of friends in high school/college, but over the years, they are gone, maybe due to life circumstances, but mostly because of my lack of trying


Ditto on letting go of too many people and not trying. Someone recently wrote that they returned like the prodigal son and they were welcomed so that gives me some hope. I guess I'm finally moving into the chapter of "its never too late" but I've been the same as you.

I'm very sorry about your father. My sister passed away last year and I feel too much to write about it.

This male relationship issue really requires effort, vulnerability, hope, willingness, digging deep. A difference for me is that I at least understand my push/pull dynamic and its not running my brain 24/7 anymore, maybe 12/7 (still there everyday but I can see it). Writing on this board and realizing that you and other men are out there doing this work with me is one step forward, like you.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383510 - 01/26/12 08:43 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Magellan]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
That support that you have from fellow al-anon members is incredible. I've heard from many that it is a great, healing place for relationship stuff.

I've had some hangups about it - my mother went for years and years and I had an image of it as a place to complain, not get better but I know that is not the case.

I like when people advocate what works for them because I am much more willing to try things like that and then I actually have a place to report on them - here! That was missing from my life as a kid - if I had an experience, no one wanted to hear about it. Here, I can try things others recommend and then write about it. Who knew?

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383522 - 01/26/12 10:20 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: 1lifenow]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
1life:

Cool videos and response-thanks for tracking them down and quotes-that was thoughtful!

Ed: you've created a powerful conversation.

Finding that strong part within me was life-changing- It's like I finally discovered I DO HAVE A center, power, a part of me that will save me-(and vanquishing the idea that someone or something outside me can fill that need.)

"In order for it to work, you need to think of a memory. Not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory… Allow it to fill you up... lose yourself in it..."

It is totally possible as we do this work to find this: having experienced, powerful and safe teachers is the key. Doing the New Warrior weekend gave me all that and more.

I'm looking for a different avatar: the bull is my nickname at home and my zodiac sign that reflects my stubbornness, strength, and ability to hurt-my wife calls me Ferdinand cuz I can be so gentle most of the time-sensitive, etc. I also can stomp, snort, and crush sensitive toes...

So what animal/totem speaks to you when you are in a safe, powerful place of possibility?

Jamie



Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/26/12 10:24 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#383523 - 01/26/12 11:18 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Mountainous Buck]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
When I think about an animal... Right now today my mind goes straight to fiction. To a big ole freaking Minotaur with a massive battlehammer in his hands.

Big, Nasty, Pissed Off and ready to crush anything and everything to itty bitty bits!

I'd probably have to pick a new one every day depending on my mood.





Edited by JustScott (01/26/12 11:22 AM)

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#383524 - 01/26/12 11:18 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: happybuddha1]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: happybuddha1
...Lost my Dad this year, so there goes another deep male bond....


Happybuddha1,

My dad died in 2010, so I relate to you. This loss hurts, huh? I remember my dad was a gift to me. My dad was very caring and strong emotionally. He was not very compassionate at times but, he was flexible at other times.

MB,

I pick a Panda bear as an animal. Panda bears are so cuddly for the most part but, when provoked they are fearsome.

Ed,

This is a huge discussion which alot of guys can relate too. We are all creating a wonderful bond with each other and with ourselves.

Belief in oneself needs to happen as we get to know others. Eventhough we may be rejected by others we can be confident in ourselves and our growth. Even if others do reject us or want something else we can be ok with who we are and find others to be with.

This post is awesome.

Peace,
Avery



Edited by Avery46 (01/26/12 11:26 AM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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