This post is about what I have experienced. This post is about the sexual confusion. I have posted on here at MS about being gay. I have to admit being very confused about my sexuality. I have been living as a gay man until about 2 years ago so, for 20 years I have lived as a gay man. The gay sex for which I sought out was very abusive, anonymous and very unconnected.

I was married at one time - I have been divorced for 21 years. I had a very wonderful wife. I was unfaithful to her by being sexual with men. I was very frighted to tell her about the abuse. She asked me if I was gay. It was easier to tell her I was gay than to tell her of the abuse. I was NOT prepared to have her tell me to get out of the house.

I have to admit I think about the abuse and its affects on me. It has been a struggle within my mind, body and spirit as I have been processing what has happened to me. I have thought and believe the abuse, and the fear about telling others of the abuse caused me to "come out" as being gay.

I believe my authentic self was very much attracted to girls/women. I had an inappropriate relationship with my mother. I believe this inappropriate relationship caused me to loath women.

I loved the males in my life when I was a kid/teenager as they kept me away from my mom. They also made me "feel" good. It is this loathing women and liking the attention of men for which I "felt" drawn to live with only men even if that ment as a gay man.

Some here on MS may critize me. Some here will cheer for me. I hope you understand.

Avery

Avery,

I cheer you on.

Puffer

I know what this means to you and i cheer you
This is for you do not loose focus of that
To the wind with what others think
if it pertains to the negative realm
do what you must for wholeness and healing .
Very proud of you man

Man I don't know what to say,
I know that I'm all goose-pimply for you! The truth that you know will set you free. But it is a slug fest. I'm praying that you keep getting the real support that you need and others hear your wisdom.

Keep going bro' Dan

Avery -
I think you nailed it!
Makes sense to me.
Good work!!!
Lee

I can relate to your struggle to know your true authentic self, it seems that much is not what it first appears to be. I wish I had all the answers.

I want to know my authentic self, too.

I've identified as predominantly gay for the last 20 years. I accepted it, and stopped beating myself over the head for developing homosexual feelings. I'm glad I made that decision, else, I would have had yet another reason to hate myself.

Accepting my homosexual feelings led me down a very long path of self acceptance (of my hearing loss, of my eye issues, and ultimately, towards discovery of CSA and its affects, and now I'm looking at my sexuality again - asking myself - is my sexuality authentic to me, or is it an affect of CSA?

A couple months ago, I was totally unsure. Then I started observing my attractions, what am I attracted to? Who am I attracted to, and why?

And ultimately, underneath my attractions, is an intensely strong desire to be intimate.

I can identify and relate with "loathing women". For the longest time, I had absolutely no female friends. They were aliens to me. They kind of still are, but I'm working on developing relationships with women and making myself vulnerable to them, telling them about my trauma and issues. I love that they accept me so openly and are so supportive. In a way that most men can't be.

Am I gay or not? I really don't know. I accept my expression of sexuality as it is today, and I will allow it to change, if an authentic variation of my sexuality emerges from me. My identity and self worth is not determined by my sexuality.

I hope this made sense.

And I think its awesome that you're asking yourself(ves) these questions - it takes a hell of a lot of courage to look at onesself and question onesself, without judgment and without reproach.

D

Getting drunk and falling out of the closet was the best thing I ever did...I did not expect my wife to kick me out of the house either..But having to face the truth for the first time in my life caused me to look at the real me.
It has been a hell of a journey. The past 6 months have been the most mind expanding yet..painful, and mind expanding.
Oneday a few years back I stopped asking why I liked men and just accepted that I do. Accepting I am gay and not searching for a reason why allowed me to move forward, and by moving forward I was able to deal with the CSA...and here I am now searching for the real answers as to why it hurts like hell somedays..and then I look back at the sad abandoned little boy and realise I am here because of him. The sad lonely little boy who lives in my heart and wishes to feel the love that was stolen away way to soon, and replaced by the cold touch of a man who was only interested in his own self centered pleasure.

I guess it IS a choice. For a while, I chose to be straight and it worked - it fooled most folks around me. Of course it didn't change my desires. Sort of like the now-defunct "don't ask don't tell" military policy - if noone knows, does it really exist?

But the REAL choice is to simply accept who I am. That's really the ONLY choice. I know that I will never change (not counting the theoretically possible massive brain damage, stroke or other impairment that rewires my pyscho-sexual identity).

No, it is not a choice. I faked being straight all my life. I was born gay. Simple as that. I accept I choose to live straight, but fact is I have been gay since the day I was born. I was gay every single day I was married..not a day past did I feel the guilt and shame of living a lie.

*did I not feel the guilt and shame of living a lie.

I want to be very clear about this post. I am writing about MY experience. I am "NOT" judging anyone. This post is "NOT" a debate about the choice of being gay or being straight. I am "NOT" saying being gay is wrong.

Sincerely,
Avery

I have heard it said that some men go through seasons in their lives where their expression fluctuates.

Hi Avery. I'm new to the board but wanted to say that I am a gay man who has struggled to identify who I am in the past so I understand to some extent what you are going through, although every journey is unique.

I have been in male and female relationships when I was younger because I was convinced that I wasn't gay and so desperately didn't want to be.

Each of us is on our own journey dealing with our past abuse which includes sexual abuse. Even though I have a hell of a lot of crap to work through I have worked through my gay identity issues personally.

I don't fit in a catagory. I'm gay but I'm not "GAY". What I mean by that is I don't fit the attributes that gay society seems to want to box me into. The gay community bitches about the straight world trying to fit everyone into a bracket and then fitting gays into a really horrible bracket of infidelity, sexual perversion, being kind of feminine etc. However the gay community turns right around and does it with those of us who are gay.

You may be straight and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You may even be bi, and you know what that is ok too. At the end of the day Avery, you wake up with you no matter who you may be in a relationship with. You can choose to love and be kind to yourself, or you can choose to not be nice to yourself. You can not choose your sexuality. It is what it is.

Take time away and get to know you, and then when you find out what and who you are love and accept yourself. As long as you aren't hurting yourself or others than that is all you can ask for.

I hope that helps. And best wishes to you.