I want to know my authentic self, too.
I've identified as predominantly gay for the last 20 years. I accepted it, and stopped beating myself over the head for developing homosexual feelings. I'm glad I made that decision, else, I would have had yet another reason to hate myself.
Accepting my homosexual feelings led me down a very long path of self acceptance (of my hearing loss, of my eye issues, and ultimately, towards discovery of CSA and its affects, and now I'm looking at my sexuality again - asking myself - is my sexuality authentic to me, or is it an affect of CSA?
A couple months ago, I was totally unsure. Then I started observing my attractions, what am I attracted to? Who am I attracted to, and why?
And ultimately, underneath my attractions, is an intensely strong desire to be intimate.
I can identify and relate with "loathing women". For the longest time, I had absolutely no female friends. They were aliens to me. They kind of still are, but I'm working on developing relationships with women and making myself vulnerable to them, telling them about my trauma and issues. I love that they accept me so openly and are so supportive. In a way that most men can't be.
Am I gay or not? I really don't know. I accept my expression of sexuality as it is today, and I will allow it to change, if an authentic variation of my sexuality emerges from me. My identity and self worth is not determined by my sexuality.
I hope this made sense.
And I think its awesome that you're asking yourself(ves) these questions - it takes a hell of a lot of courage to look at onesself and question onesself, without judgment and without reproach.
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.