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#383364 - 01/24/12 03:11 PM Mid Life Crisis
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Its seems that in my small group of Survivor wives with the exception of one our husbands acted out right around the 40 year old mark. Why? Does the mid life bring out the CSA? Is it typical to cheat at mid life and does CSA handicap them?

I am just curious why typically csa comes out around that time frame. My husband hadn't even remembered that he was abused until the last couple years.


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#383366 - 01/24/12 03:29 PM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: Gretta]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I'm sure survivors can answer this best, but in one of my good guy friends and in my husband, it seems to be the time they re-assess life goals, realize they aren't reaching those goals, and then (in our case) a few years later, it clicks that the coping skills just aren't working any more. For Hubs, the memories resurfaced after that.

Survivors? What was your experience?


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#383377 - 01/24/12 05:46 PM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: Gretta]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Wow, how to answer this one.

Not that I am admitting any lower level in testosterone, but that might have something to do with it.

The realization that I could not continue to self-medicate myself into thinking that I was a healthy, well balanced, individual. I knew I had a problem, I chose not to recognize it.

When you recognize the problem in your mind, the battle is half over. You have now identified your enemy. Now how are you going to defeat this enemy? This is where the rubber meets the road. When a male identifies a problem, he likes fixing the problem. It turns into a game. Sure there are losses, but there are also wins. Progress on the front is how we measure success. There might be alot of blood spilled for one inch, but that inch will never be given up to the enemy again.


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#383387 - 01/24/12 07:10 PM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Gretta -
I've heard & read that this is very common around that age. One reason seems to be that many of the issues that preoccupy us earlier have been more or less settled. Most are already married or settled into whatever life-style they have established by choice or default. Education and career decisions are usually not as immediate. If there are children, they have become more independent and don't need the constant all-consuming attention. You start to let down your level of conscious need for control or constant vigilance. And then - BOOM! It hits you while your defenses are down. seems to happen a lot a decade or so later, too. Or some other crisis can trigger it.

For me it was a combination of factors - a recent move to a new area where we had no friends or support system, unemployment, realization that I had been majorly scammed and felt like a fool and a failure, reassessment of faith issues, death of a family member... All of these weakened my "normal" coping mechanisms and knocked me out. And - yes - it did happen at that age/stage of my life.

So - may be lots of reasons - but the important thing is that - like ALIVE3in1 said, when the need is identified, you get the support and knowledge that can help with understanding and healing.

Regards,
Lee



Edited by traveler (01/24/12 09:48 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#383399 - 01/24/12 10:49 PM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
The "mid-life crisis" is just an excuse to act like a kid, which doesn't mean it's all bad. Men may reassess their choices and see if it what they want for themselves. However, it is not an excuse to go out and have affairs, not be a husband, etc. Not all men do that. Survivors may start dealing with the past because they can no longer hide from it. I think you see that in both men and women. CSA is not an excuse for any bad behavior whether it is a man or woman survivor.

Perhaps organizations that deal with CSA and Rape should end distinctions between men and women so men don't hide it. Even the psychology community doesn't believe in parity in all corners. Then there are the shrinks who are pedo apologists and other organizations that are pedo apologists. They say, poor pedos just need understanding and therapy. Sounds the Roman Catholic church's excuses for not kicking them out and letting the cops have them. Taxpayers even give pedos disability through Social Security.

Never married myself, no relationships either so my experience is male CSA survivors get treated like crap by society because we are male.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383408 - 01/25/12 12:43 AM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: phoenix321]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gretta.
My theory is a lot simpler.
I think that the brain gets to a point where it cant take the rot inside and wants to get it out and deal with it. This usually happens at about the 40 mark.
The clever men will deal with it and sort things out, the men with great bravado, (lets not call them silly) will act out, buy sports cars, drink and generally make idiots of themselves.

A quick survey on this site and in the AA rooms netted me an average age of 40, interesting phenomenon right?

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#383414 - 01/25/12 01:31 AM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: whome]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
Sorry to say but my mid life crisis probably started when I was about 23...but it was 42 when all hell broke loose.
Basically, I managed to fake it all my life. I ran out of fake at 42...Thank God I ran out of fake and have managed to grow up and deal with a life time of pain...
I am 47 now and started my journey almost 6 years ago. Funny thing is, my T managed to get me to cry yesterday for the first time in a session EVER. What a freakin relief that was!
Cant wait to see him again...

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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#383418 - 01/25/12 07:48 AM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: NewSummer]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Oh the weirdest tears of joy we survivors have. LOL
Glad you managed to wet the cheeks NS, well done..

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#383429 - 01/25/12 11:22 AM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: whome]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
@NS I too ran out of fake....I'm 29 now and I started my healing 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take the pain it's caused me and the pain I've caused to others....especially my wonderful gf, now ex. It's sad, but it took losing the love of my life to take a hard look at myself and finally admit it and stop hiding the hurt and pain.


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#383437 - 01/25/12 01:36 PM Re: Mid Life Crisis [Re: mcl1982]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
mcl I give you credit for finding out well before you turned 40! Just think you don't need to live the next 11 years acting out hurting the people you love:) I have said this 100 times but my minds knows why he did it but my heart is still broken.

I am glad he is on the road to recovery and I tell him everyday how proud I am of the work he is doing. He is happier today then he has been in a long time. This all came out so quickly and together that I didn't get a good chance to deal with the cheating. He fell apart quickly and we had to deal with the CSA. I guess it's time for me to deal with the infidelity. It just hurts so bad, I never thought he would let me down. Most every other man in my life yes... but him Never.


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