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#383348 - 01/24/12 12:04 PM Unmet need for a man's attention
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
How does one go about getting the needs met for affirmation, affection and attention from a man or other men after one has been abused? I thought my abuser was meeting those needs in my through sexual stimulation when I was 13 and that boy that I was then latched onto that pattern for many years.

I am very, very close to breaking the pattern. I can now at least see clearly that I was abused and even though my abuse "felt good", that "feeling good" was actually the abuse. Guilt and shame are both lifting, which is good, and I have some days that I feel more free than ever as an adult. I am crying much more about the past, I'm in a group, I work two times per week with a therapist, I'm moving forward. But those unmet needs that fucking got fucking mixed into sex - I don't know how to meet those needs that I now accept were normal and not the cause of the problem either at home or with the stranger who molested me. My needs were never the problem and my needs didn't cause the problems.

But I want them met. Is it just grieving that I have to do? Do I go to some men's empowerment group like I've seen on here? Do other people relate?

My sexual acting out is de minimis and is solo at this point and for minutes, if that, once or twice a week. But I am seeing why I am doing it - to imagine getting attention and stimulation at the same time JUST LIKE WHEN I WAS ABUSED. I am keeping it alive because I don't know how to meet the needs of the kid I was. Is this reparenting because this doesn't feel like something I want to do in isolation. It feels like I need to let others in.

The minimal sexual acting out drives me bonkers. It throws me off because its not really what I want to do, its not my natural sex drive, its my corrupted sexuality, the one the boy in me said "Ah, this feels good, it must be that this guy likes you and thinks your special and wants you to feel good" when in reality it was an adult predator hunting for children to hurt and maim and abuse, an adult predator hunting for victims in the form of hurt, needy, lonely children who needed love and attention.

I was hoping that I could clean up this abuse "stuff" in private and go out into my life and not have to bring it with me but the more I do this work, the more I know I can't do that. I've been ashamed of being a victim and having a messy life because of it. I want to clean up my mess and leave it behind but I never will. I will always be someone who was victimized by a stranger, I will never not be that person. I kept hoping that I wouldn't have to do this work like other men have to do. I wanted to be different.

This was rambling, I know, but I sick of trying to handle it all by myself.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383351 - 01/24/12 12:36 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
First and foremost, I hear you.

Your in a group but still not getting that conncetion your looking for? is it allowed or encouraged for outside contact beyond just the group?

I have to say that some of my IRL contact with people I met here and at the events I attend have made a huge difference in me and my recovery...but its a two way street and why its not so easy to just keep thinning myself out. There is a lot of effort in keepiing those friendships and connections...so have to be ready for the "work" that goes along with caring and being a part of another persons life.

I can also say that cleanig up this stuff in private may not work or be feasable...and additionally I think that as we recover and become who we really are...people around us know that there is a diffrence...we just are different...whom we attracted before might not be whom we attract now for friendships as our roles have changed....some old friendshps had a different structure but as we change, some of our needs people also need t change.

All of this is IMO.

but again...can you not take it a step further with some in your group?

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#383358 - 01/24/12 02:15 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Castle]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
The group allows for outside communication. A couple of weeks ago I brought up exchanging emails and offering to do take everyone's and create an exchange but the counselor running the group said that is something that the counselor takes care of at the very end of the group (16 session group). Its not the greatest group as far as I'm concerned. Its a beginning. Most of the guys are in the stage of trying to recall while I'm in the stage of feeling the pain and loss.

Your response is making me think about being more assertive with reaching out and making a real effort to connect. I meet on Thursday night and I will be thinking about how to do this and maybe even bring it up.

I'm starting to think differently about myself and that I can't do this alone. I've spent almost my entire life (46 yrs old) doing this as alone as possible

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383371 - 01/24/12 04:36 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
Dont give up Ed...keep tryig to make those connections..if nothign from the group try a WOR, or mike lews Aug event...soto the MS conference in NYC....keep trying...Offer to create a private group on FB for your group members and see if that helps...you can make a provate group that nobody but the participants can see.

Isolation is the enemy, I dont know anybody personally who has been able to work through these issues in Isolation...just the opposite.

It is very hard to have a real peer relationship with a male...takes a lot of trust and vulnerability...I think in my groups the vulnerability that we share is a key to us opening up and really being able to redefine what a male peer relationship is.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#383373 - 01/24/12 05:03 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Castle]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I really appreciate what you're writing. I've been thinking about it all day and its what has been coming up in therapy too. I am finally able to picture reaching out to other men and especially to other men that I want to be around,even those that might even intimidate me.

After your response, I made a call to a therapist who runs a mens group and got some more direction. He recommended doing the New Warrior weekend which I looked into. I have spent so much of my life alone, both highly defensive and highly afraid, that both attributes have simply become default positions at this point and they are hard habits to break but I'm getting there.

I did so much rejection of other men (and myself) that it became a terrible habit and its tough to look around and see how much of my life I spent alone and didn't have to.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383378 - 01/24/12 05:51 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
I have the same struggle Ed. Need it badly but really don't know where and how. I live in the country and have little around, so meeting anyone face to face is hard, and then add trust to that....

Then for me, add the fact that I have so absolutely little in common interest wise with the men I do meet... well it's hard for sure.


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#383383 - 01/24/12 06:35 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: JustScott]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
ED - I strongly agree with everything you said in the first post. My experience and feelings almost exactly. Except no group where I am. Good work figuring this out - now good luck with changing the patterns.
Strength and perseverance to you!
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#383388 - 01/24/12 07:19 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
Ed

My mother in law used to say when she was alive. "Stop looking up a dead horse's ass!". I think she was just really good at mixed metaphors but when you look back and say 'didnt have to' well there is just no real benefit to that.

Todays new perspective is all we have, so incorporating all that past shit is all we can do. Ya, we all did so much bs stuff that we wish we could tell our younger selves we didnt have to go through, there was another way. We just didnt know it, now you do, how great is that?

I have a couple of buddies, just friends. I pushed them away over the years but now that I am in this state of mind, they have embraced the prodigal crazy son returning without reservation or judgement. You will be yourself and that's all it takes. Nothing more is necessary. smile

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#383428 - 01/25/12 11:20 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: JustScott]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
I live in the country and have little around, so meeting anyone face to face is hard, and then add trust to that....

Then for me, add the fact that I have so absolutely little in common interest wise with the men I do meet


I went to school in the Harrisburg area so I am familiar with it. I can see how it would be tough to meet varied people. I live in NYC, sort of an opposite end of the spectrum, and its still difficult to meet people and establish relationships since everyone is on the move and trying to make NYC work for them.

To your second point, I've felt that way, too, about not sharing common interests. I am starting to change my focus on that and instead I am starting to focus on what I have in common with others rather than what I don't share. I'm not suggesting that you are doing that; it has been that way for most of my life.

I am accepting that I need male companionship, attention, fun, depth, mutual care, mutual interest, basically fraternity. I have never felt like just another guy who is acceptable just as he is and equal among all sorts of other men. I guess that will happen some through common interests but, for me, I think some of that bonding/intimacy will happen through structured groups and writing like this.


You're lucky - there is some beauty out your way. You're reaching out to me is appreciated.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383430 - 01/25/12 11:26 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: 1lifenow]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
Todays new perspective is all we have, so incorporating all that past shit is all we can do.


That's what I am moving toward; to get there is to go through the shit that my little defenseless boy holds onto out of self-protective habit. I gotta build today, like you say, but to do that I gotta let go of some heavy stuff. Its a process, not easy, its work.

Quote:
I have a couple of buddies, just friends. I pushed them away over the years but now that I am in this state of mind, they have embraced the prodigal crazy son returning without reservation or judgement. You will be yourself and that's all it takes. Nothing more is necessary.


I did the same thing and want to get back in touch with some. What you wrote is hopeful. Thanks.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#383432 - 01/25/12 11:41 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Quote:
I have never felt like just another guy who is acceptable just as he is and equal among all sorts of other men.


This is me to a T. Growing up, I was always on the out looking in. Never fit. Never acceptable. On the outside always wishing I could be a part of whatever group my heart longed to be with.

Seems like the only club I've ever found myself fitting into is the Island of Misfit Toys.

I have 2 other fellows I meet with every 2 weeks, but even then.... I feel on the outside. I work in an office... they both work, not only in the same line of work, but in the same place. Although they work different shifts and in different areas so really don't see one another at work, there's still a closer connection between them and often I'll sit and listen as they talk all about the goings on at work etc.

I agree with you, similar interests would be cool, but as I usually find the only "similar" thing between myself and other men is that we're male, I'll have to find that connection somewhere and somehow else.

Hopefully in time.



Edited by JustScott (01/25/12 11:49 AM)

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#383435 - 01/25/12 12:44 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
... I made a call to a therapist who runs a mens group and got some more direction. He recommended doing the New Warrior weekend which I looked into. I have spent so much of my life alone, both highly defensive and highly afraid, that both attributes have simply become default positions at this point and they are hard habits to break but I'm getting there.


Ed,

I did ManKind Project's (MKP) New Warrior Training weekend in 2008. I cannot recommend it highly enough. For men who are really ready to grow, this weekend will challenge and stretch you, and you will emerge a more powerful, authentic, you.

It also helped break down the defensive barriers I had built around myself with regards to relationships with other men. I've learned a deeper level of communication and love.

I've stayed involved in subsequent men's groups with other men who have done this training and that continues to give me a stronger foundation and more experience with being a mature, masculine male.

(It was at the end of my warrior training for MKP that I felt inspired to adopt the name "Mountainous" - it resonates with a long-forgotten and very true part of me that reminds me, guides me, and inspires me.)

Feel free to contact me via pm about Mankind Project: or go their website for New Warrior Training

There are trainings almost every weekend worldwide-over 45,000 men have done the work.




Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/25/12 12:57 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#383436 - 01/25/12 01:05 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Mountainous Buck]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
This is me to a T. Growing up, I was always on the out looking in. Never fit. Never acceptable. On the outside always wishing I could be a part of whatever group my heart longed to be with.


This describes how I've been, too, all my life. I can see change as I've really worked hard to get better in the last year or two. Being in a group helps a lot especially a group where I can talk about CSA and having a therapist and prioritizing this. The group was the right time for me - I knew it would help heal even if not how I predicted.

This feeling of being outside other men can only be healed by other men so I think you'd agree that its incredibly frustrating and seems like it will never be corrected. I am finally seeing it is so much about perception and fear: fear that I will be rejected (as I was as a boy) and mis-perception that I am still being rejected and on high alert, ready to be rejected. Its simple to write it but not simple to change it.

I feel more valuable now and dealing with my CSA is part of me saying how valuable I am and was. The therapy, my 12 step work, my joining this group 4 months ago, and seeking advice from others on here - I am seeing that I belong here! Who knew this is one of the places where I would start belonging but better here than nowhere, right?

Even though this is somewhat virtual, you and me, belong here. Have you thought about the Wed phone support group or anything like that? I have, I may do it.

Now, the littlest inklings I am getting of a connection, I am starting to pursue and kind of saying "f*ck the fear, I listened to you long enough".

I'm curious about your group. If you want to PM me, feel free.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#383438 - 01/25/12 01:36 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi all

Your post might just as well have been my owm, my own struggle and issue. One thing I have figured out is that I was so used to rejection and had such a need for acceptance that I actually channelled the abuse as acceptance. For once I was good enough for something, good enough to be touched.

This is still a constant struggle for me as well as well as having "normal" friendsips with other men. Never knowing how to act and always feeling insecure. What I can tell you is that some things you mentioned above shows you have already grown a lot, which is sooo positive.

Know this in not helping but at least you can be sure you are not the only one as your post has shown me I am not the only one.

Be thankful for the resources available where you are, its not so readily available everywhere..

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#383443 - 01/25/12 03:22 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Mountainous Buck]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
I still suck as a techie,

its the next post,

arrrggghhh



Edited by 1lifenow (01/25/12 03:26 PM)
Edit Reason: mistake post oops
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#383444 - 01/25/12 03:24 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Mountainous Buck]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
I freakin love that story about your name. I wonder if it's possible to adopt something so positive for all of us.


A new stonger personna than the one saddled upon us.

Hey maybe you could change your avatar to something more bucklike than bull-like. Its sort of like Harry Potter's patronus spell. It has to come from an authentic place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4qItiUiFQc

It took another man to show him his potential. To take whatever positive thing we can take from something so overwhelmingly painful and negative. "Its not perfect but its the best we have." Harry says.

Awesome inspiration Moutainous Buck!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkiMwvWbRS0

Here Harry is waiting for someone to save him and then realizes the tools the other men have given him will allow him to save himself, its now up to him to act. I get goosebumps everytime I watch this. Courage doesn't come from any special quality that only others have, we just need a little more help seeing it is something that:


Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck

resonates with a long-forgotten and very true part of me that reminds me, guides me, and inspires me.)



_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#383466 - 01/25/12 08:57 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: pietie]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
One thing I have figured out is that I was so used to rejection and had such a need for acceptance that I actually channelled the abuse as acceptance. For once I was good enough for something, good enough to be touched.


I could not have written better about what has caused me the most pain in my life. This is me. Its so hard to make others understand how this twisted me up, so much guilt and shame and being perplexed by my drive to continue to seek it out but at the same time never feeling accepted only feeling more isolated.

I'm not alone. I can't believe I'm not the only boy/man who felt exactly the way you wrote and that abuse made my life go in an incredibly lonely direction. So much isolation...

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383472 - 01/25/12 09:47 PM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Ed,

Thank you for expressing yourself in a very clear and a very expressive manner. I thought as I read your posts that I was reading something I wrote as I have struggled (acted out sexually) with trying to have a connection with men.

I stopped acting out sexually with men nearly 3 years ago when the therapy group I was in requested I stop finding ways to for men to abuse me.

I connect with men (and women) much better today. I have gone to various support groups and have sought help from various professionals.

I see lots of courage in you by sharing your experience with us. Bravo.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#383487 - 01/26/12 01:08 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Geez Ed, I'm so happy you created this discussion. This issue is something that I deal with on almost a daily basis. There's this constant nagging feeling inside of me that desperately wants to reach out and have a meaningful, non-sexual relationship with another guy doesn't know how. I've searched the ends of the internet for tips on how regular guys make friends and I've found very, very little.

I lost my father when I was 15 and when I lost him I lost my sense of how to be. I feel like my growth was somehow stunted and because of that I never truely grew into a man. On the outside someone could look at me and see that I'm an adult but on the inside I feel like a little kid. I love learning about history and going to museums and stuff like that (I really want to go to the Smithsonian!) but those are things that most 22-year-olds are not into. I've never been into sports so that's a whole demographic that I can't relate to and women and sex are a whole different story.

Basically, I feel like I just don't stack up to other men. What I want is a friend, a friend with no strings attached and no benefits other that each others company and trust. Why is that so hard?

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#383496 - 01/26/12 02:54 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Clockwise]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Ed,

I can relate to *everything* you've said here. Feeling like an alien, different, never measuring up, an outcast - not knowing why I was an outcast.

I spent so many years being full of rage and confused as to why I couldn't "get it". I assumed I was retarded. I beat myself up mercilessly.

Then, last year, I learned about emotional incest, and the doors blew wide open. Confusion about boundaries, getting love/pity confused. Getting love/intimacy confused. Getting sex/intimacy confused. All of it a big tangled mess.

I've been in alanon for the last 2.5 years, and it has helped me in ways I could never have imagined. It was the only group that I started to feel safe in, where I could open up and reveal the depth of my pain and trauma.... and find support without judgment.

It was in alanon that I tackled the life long question of my "anger at life", and it was the good folks in alanon that taught me that I needed to take responsibility for my life, and learn how to love myself - expecting someone to swoop in and rescue me was irresponsible.

Last July, I made the decision to take responsibility and learn how to love myself.

Several members of this group have stepped by my side, stood shoulder to shoulder with me, and have carried me when I lost my footing. Several members have shown me that I can practice opening up to them, make mistakes, and try again. Several members have demonstrated that they don't want to use or abuse me, but they simply want to know me and support me. They wait patiently while I try to work through my complicated trust issues and untangle the quagmire of intimacy/love/sex/abuse/boundaries and the seemingly unending list of shit that I have to untangle.

They're still standing by my side, supporting me. Sometimes from afar, sometimes up close. They allow me the space to ebb and flow, to come and go, to clam up and to open up. They just allow me to be - without judgment, without reproach, without any emotional manipulation whatsoever. They just allow me to be.

Tonight, one of them came with me to "friends and family" night at my recovery program. And during group, we talked about "developing trust". He told me that he was working at it too, and then let me know that he was having a hard time relating with me, as much as he wanted to, because he couldn't understand the reactions I was having at times (withdrawing and isolating). He really wanted to get to know me better and develop a relationship, we had both expressed that to each other. but he made it clear that he was feeling put off by my withdrawing.

This really struck me. I never had thought that someone could care about me. We've both opened up to each other in the past about our past traumas, but this is the first time that we talked directly to each other about how our behaviors affect one another. A real relationship between us appears to be developing, based on communicating, based on trusting what we're telling one another, and its based on an attraction that we have for each other. It's not sexual - its a desire to know each better in a more deeper way.

I wish I had better words to describe what I just said - but it is what it is. Thank you for posting your note about this. I had exactly the same experience you described (about feeling like I belong here) a few short days after arriving here and sharing some of my story here. This is an awesome place. Truly an awesome place.

Thanks again

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#383502 - 01/26/12 04:49 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: EdfromNYC]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hi Ed.....I can totally relate and am sorry that both of us, among many others, have to go through this crap.

I have gone through live very lonely....lots of friends in high school/college, but over the years, they are gone, maybe due to life circumstances, but mostly because of my lack of trying.....so wish that I had a male friend. I am married, but that is just not the same. Lost my Dad this year, so there goes another deep male bond.

I wish that I knew how to develop commpassion for myself and others....that would probably go a long way to having relationships with other guys.

Thanks for your post....lets keep working on this, ok?

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#383508 - 01/26/12 08:31 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Clockwise]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
I love learning about history and going to museums and stuff like that (I really want to go to the Smithsonian!) but those are things that most 22-year-olds are not into. I've never been into sports so that's a whole demographic that I can't relate to and women and sex are a whole different story.


I'm not a sports guy either as far as following teams and sitting and watching a full game of any sport. It doesn't hold my interest. I thought something was missing from me since I didn't seem to do this typical man thing. But I'm finally accepting, gratefully, that's not what makes one a man. Accepting my values and interests and living according to those internal "gifts" or traits or whatever makes me, me, that is being a man. I don't have to fit in traditionally and that is giving me freedom. Its later in my life than I would have liked but its true.

If you look at things realistically, do you know how many men love history and science (Edit: I don't know if you meant science - I may have read it in to your post and I was going to edit it out but I decided to leave it in)? There's thousands of books and periodicals in both areas so its a HUGELY masculine area. I thought the same thing about myself - my interests were somehow less masculine and I would never measure up.

The fact that so many of us MEN share the same feelings and perspective means, for me, we are all alike in that way, thus, we are all men who didn't necessarily share football but a perspective of being an outsider from other men and maybe that's some form of path in itself. That we all grew up separate, not knowing each other but feeling the same, says to me that this perspective of being an outsider isn't abnormal or unique. Its a minority perspective but obviously not unique to me or you or others. Rather than hate it and despise myself, I am seeking the gifts that I've tried to throw away.

I was rejected by others and I continued to live that out internally and subsequently then reject others (since I thought they would reject me) and it was a vicious cycle. By doing all of the work I am doing now, I am determined to make my space in the world but trying not to in an alienating way. Its a struggle.

Someone else wrote:

Quote:
You will be yourself and that's all it takes. Nothing more is necessary.


Ultimately, being myself and knowing that I'm fine as is, nothing more is necessary. You're interests and pursuits are those of a man and even if they don't seem TO YOU like male pursuits, the fact that you are interested in them is all that matters. They are important to you and maybe no one told you or let you know that what you find interesting is simply important because that will tell you who you are and who you are is important. I missed out on this message but I know that its what I needed and need.





Edited by EdfromNYC (01/26/12 08:56 AM)
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And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
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#383509 - 01/26/12 08:38 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: happybuddha1]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
I have gone through live very lonely....lots of friends in high school/college, but over the years, they are gone, maybe due to life circumstances, but mostly because of my lack of trying


Ditto on letting go of too many people and not trying. Someone recently wrote that they returned like the prodigal son and they were welcomed so that gives me some hope. I guess I'm finally moving into the chapter of "its never too late" but I've been the same as you.

I'm very sorry about your father. My sister passed away last year and I feel too much to write about it.

This male relationship issue really requires effort, vulnerability, hope, willingness, digging deep. A difference for me is that I at least understand my push/pull dynamic and its not running my brain 24/7 anymore, maybe 12/7 (still there everyday but I can see it). Writing on this board and realizing that you and other men are out there doing this work with me is one step forward, like you.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383510 - 01/26/12 08:43 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Magellan]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
That support that you have from fellow al-anon members is incredible. I've heard from many that it is a great, healing place for relationship stuff.

I've had some hangups about it - my mother went for years and years and I had an image of it as a place to complain, not get better but I know that is not the case.

I like when people advocate what works for them because I am much more willing to try things like that and then I actually have a place to report on them - here! That was missing from my life as a kid - if I had an experience, no one wanted to hear about it. Here, I can try things others recommend and then write about it. Who knew?

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#383522 - 01/26/12 10:20 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: 1lifenow]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
1life:

Cool videos and response-thanks for tracking them down and quotes-that was thoughtful!

Ed: you've created a powerful conversation.

Finding that strong part within me was life-changing- It's like I finally discovered I DO HAVE A center, power, a part of me that will save me-(and vanquishing the idea that someone or something outside me can fill that need.)

"In order for it to work, you need to think of a memory. Not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory… Allow it to fill you up... lose yourself in it..."

It is totally possible as we do this work to find this: having experienced, powerful and safe teachers is the key. Doing the New Warrior weekend gave me all that and more.

I'm looking for a different avatar: the bull is my nickname at home and my zodiac sign that reflects my stubbornness, strength, and ability to hurt-my wife calls me Ferdinand cuz I can be so gentle most of the time-sensitive, etc. I also can stomp, snort, and crush sensitive toes...

So what animal/totem speaks to you when you are in a safe, powerful place of possibility?

Jamie



Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/26/12 10:24 AM)
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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#383523 - 01/26/12 11:18 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: Mountainous Buck]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
When I think about an animal... Right now today my mind goes straight to fiction. To a big ole freaking Minotaur with a massive battlehammer in his hands.

Big, Nasty, Pissed Off and ready to crush anything and everything to itty bitty bits!

I'd probably have to pick a new one every day depending on my mood.





Edited by JustScott (01/26/12 11:22 AM)

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#383524 - 01/26/12 11:18 AM Re: Unmet need for a man's attention [Re: happybuddha1]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: happybuddha1
...Lost my Dad this year, so there goes another deep male bond....


Happybuddha1,

My dad died in 2010, so I relate to you. This loss hurts, huh? I remember my dad was a gift to me. My dad was very caring and strong emotionally. He was not very compassionate at times but, he was flexible at other times.

MB,

I pick a Panda bear as an animal. Panda bears are so cuddly for the most part but, when provoked they are fearsome.

Ed,

This is a huge discussion which alot of guys can relate too. We are all creating a wonderful bond with each other and with ourselves.

Belief in oneself needs to happen as we get to know others. Eventhough we may be rejected by others we can be confident in ourselves and our growth. Even if others do reject us or want something else we can be ok with who we are and find others to be with.

This post is awesome.

Peace,
Avery



Edited by Avery46 (01/26/12 11:26 AM)
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