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LAD - Any chance you can get prof help? Ever seen a T? or is that too scary or expensive? If you're a student, there may be resources on campus - or in large cities, sometimes phone-in crisis help lines or something? I hate to hear your pain and not see you get the help you need and want. Wish I could share my T with you. He's good - and free because of my job situation. not meaning to gloat - I know how fortunate I am!

HAng in there!
Lee

I also witnessed a death of a neighbor a while back...I am not sure how it fits into my puzzle now..Is it a part of todays issues or tied to the past in someway?
Either way I know it was a huge event in my life and I have to deal with the effects it has had on my life.Yes, it has had a huge effect..
Keep moving forward, even when it feels as it there are a ton of bricks on your chest. Together we can all get to where we need to be...

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I know what you mean. I lived a double life for 15 years when I was younger. I was, and am really messed up about sex. I am attracted to females, yet to have them makes me sick. I am not attracted to males, well most males, and I can or could, and did hang around the parks, and porn shops. Everyday and night. I tent to be attracted to Transsexuals Pre Ops. I was told by a therapist that was my way of coping. But to me. It made me a freak. I belonged no where. Still do not. I am almost 50 and have pretty much zero friends as I never fit in anywhere. I have mental illness to boot. I have Bi Polar 2, OCD, and a lot of PTSD. I was abuse from 5 to 15. So during my formative years, I was really getting confused signals. I still do.
So friend, you are not alone. And I am sorry that you are having these feelings. They have driven me to the brink of suicide more than once.

Seems that many here feel like this. The rest of the world have no idea.

I do not touch anyone. Not my grandparents, no one growing up. Still do not for the most part. And still guarded in most situations.

I have had two times that I really flew off the handle. 1. Was some bi*ch of a therapist many years ago after I told her I was molested in the first meeting asked me if I ever molested a child. I called her a fat bi^ch, and walked out. That was that.

And about a year ago, I was talking to a guy who contracts with the state to provide part time jobs to the disabled. (Me) And he was asked all kinds of odd questions. It came out that I was abused sexually, and he then got a sour look on his face, and said "You haven't abuse any kids have you? because we will not work with you if you have". I flew into a rage, and my witness could not believe that he was asking that line of questions. When I went off, she ended the meeting right then. I almost went after him.
I am so sick of the media, movies, what ever portray victims of abuse as people to keep an eye on...like we are a time bomb.
I was very angry. And very hurt. I wanted to shoot myself.

It never ends. Anyone know what I mean?

Hey ACE and LAD:

Glad you are here and posting about your life and struggles.

I hope you can read the post "It Does Get Better" and tap into many of the resources on these pages (see my link below) to help guide you on this journey of healing and recovery.

In particular, I've held back from discussing my story with family members-my real support comes from other survivors and people who have shown their love and concern for me. I don't think you will find a lot of survivors here who got relief/resolution/validation or healing from parents-it might make a good topic for your to post and ask for feedback/experience from others, LAD.

I hope the full time gig with benefits kicks in for you, LAD: there are guides to interviewing and finding qualified therapist on the MS website: make use of those resources and ask questions in the forums too.

(I've never heard of online EMDR, but the fact that my EMDR made me explore some terrifying memories makes me glad I had a face to face T I could trust to walk me through in real life-that was part of the healing that I could actually do this in the human world in the presence of another male and not be crushed or hurt.

ACE: I relate to the double life you shared: And I was completely shut off from my emotions for a very long time: Many of us survivors (most?) are damaged and confused around basic expressions of emotional or authentic sexuality and have difficult with intimate relationships (emotional, physical, and spiritual). I would say you DO BELONG and that you are NOT a "freak"-you might FEEL that way sometimes, but it is not true.

And I'm sorry we all run into people who are clueless, unsupportive, abusive, and prejudiced.

I guess it is everyone's worst fear that a child be abused-we are living proof that it happens and can happen. And we need to speak up.

We are living proof that abuse doesn't condemn us to go out and do the same thing. The word on this needs to get out. We are MaleSurvivors!