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#383120 - 01/22/12 04:17 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: westchesterguy]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Chesterguy,

You make a valid point, and I counter with this point - if we are CSA survivors (with bad boundaries, low self esteem, etc etc), then how are we to know that the person we desire to be in relationship with is healthy for us in the first place?

Which is why, I think, many of us are saying "cool your jets and learn to love yourself first". IMHO, having a healthy sense of self would help us identify which people would be good for us, and which would not be good for us.

D

Originally Posted By: westchesterguy

well, guys, i wish jls would come back to his post. lol.

so, just to be clear: i could be very wrong, but i am reading his question in a different way.

i think (assume) we here all do understand and recognize the caveats and pitfalls of being in a relationship to be "saved" and or "doing it to escape" and or being in a relationship with "someone who has unresolved issues himself."

what if jls has met a great guy or girl, which is why he is asking, and that person's kindness, tenderness, (eventual love?) intelligence, understanding of sexual abuse issues -- is exactly what helps him?

i mean, not everyone is a pessimist is he??? being sarcastic. smile there are good and strong people out there, right? i am not convinced that any one here would be worse off for having been in a relationship with that sort of honest, gentle, healthy, all-together person.


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#383127 - 01/22/12 04:50 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: Magellan]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Magellan
..."cool your jets and learn to love yourself first".


right magellan, i only browsed through some of his earlier posts to get an idea, but had the impression he was there. smile hard to do this on msg board, i agree, but that is the assumption i went with in answering him.

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#383280 - 01/23/12 09:24 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: westchesterguy]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I agree with some of you to a point but if you don't try, I don't see how you do it. What's the point of recovery at all if it doesn't lead to that or make the one you already have truly special? Loving yourself comes first or does it? Some many of us never had love at all (or couldn't receive it because we didn't understand it and the why do they care? I didn't but some did) so really how do we love ourselves if we don't have a point of reference? Now, if you an alcoholic or a drug addict and your single, they say wait 2 years from when you started beating addiction before any romance. That's what people in AA/NA told me is the general rule and those were addicts/alcoholics that had 10-15-20-25 years of being clean and sober. Have to say those two programs really are something in people's lives because I saw people do it.

I kinda wish there was a CSA Anonymous because AA/NA really did change people's lives and continues. They go through hell getting clean and sober but have yet to see someone who worked it say, "AA didn't work for me."

The elderly is the fastest growing group for alcoholism. Because so many are alone. Family dumped them or no relatives or spouses. Here again is another example that people do need mates regardless of age and a support system that isn't a paid one.

No person (man or woman) is an island.



Edited by phoenix321 (01/23/12 09:28 PM)
Edit Reason: typo/add
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#383306 - 01/23/12 11:19 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: jls]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 837
Loc: Kc,Mo
2 whole people make a whole

If you are only half of what you should be it will never work . If they are half of what they should be it will never work.
Must be equally yoked you both need to be healthy otherwise one will be pulling to big of the load
This is pretty strait forward and simple it will come back to haunt one or the other

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#383308 - 01/23/12 11:30 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: mcl1982]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: mcl1982
Well said phoenix. Also, made me think of my ex. frown I wish she were with me through this.


Me too frown

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#383315 - 01/23/12 11:39 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: Avery46]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Avery46
Originally Posted By: mcl1982
Well said phoenix. Also, made me think of my ex. frown I wish she were with me through this.


Me too frown


I'm sorry about your ex, Avery. Thank you for the compliment.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383321 - 01/23/12 11:59 PM Re: Is it better to stay single? [Re: phoenix321]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
i think so, yes.

well it depends actually.. if you are too messed up, stay single. if you have hope, then share it with someone.


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