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#383248 - 01/23/12 05:16 PM I know it's hard but!!!
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
It seems like ever since I bit the bullet and despite the shame, fear and embarassment, I told people about my being abused years ago about 6 months ago, it seems like all I'm hearing about is how my perp abused others.

There is no good comming my way lately since Christmas at all, it's aall bad news, bad news, bad news. This shit is getting to me. I've never had nightmares before just lots of flasbacks but lately I recently started getting nightmares, not a lot but just a 2 or 3 times and that's been agrevating me as well.

I know I have an exceptionally excellent therapist but I don't even want to see her rtight now. Times I wish I'd never told anyone and did what I done for 42 years and keep it hidden. Then I probably wouldn't get all this negative shit I been getting lately.

I think it's because there was so much abuse in people I know and they want to vent as well about their experiences which I can fully understand. I also trust them all completely.

I know it takes hard work, it's hard to process, takes a long time, haves bumps in the road, etc. but it seems I'm having nothing but bad since Christmas.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#383254 - 01/23/12 05:48 PM Re: I know it's hard but!!! [Re: Sailor John]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey SJ,

I am really sorry to hear that it's been so rough the past few months-and the past few weeks in particular.

I can relate: this was the time of year I felt a lot of despair when I started facing this stuff two years ago.

I hope it is part of a greater shifting of things deep inside and moving forward towards a better you. I also hope you have some trusted people you are sharing this with and not getting any negative feedback-that is important.

I, too, mourned the young boy I never was-that was very painful. And I can say today I am reclaiming that part of me-it is a process. I support you.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#383255 - 01/23/12 05:48 PM Re: I know it's hard but!!! [Re: Sailor John]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1559
Loc: California
What Buck said ... and ...

The LAST thing to do is to choose to not talk to someone (a friend, or a therapist) about what you're going through. It's the unhealthiest thing you can do to yourself - to isolate and let the crooked thoughts / feelings fester inside. Let it out.

D


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#383267 - 01/23/12 06:41 PM Re: I know it's hard but!!! [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3749
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sailor John -

I agree totally with M.B. and Magellan.

Lots of people - even without CSA issues have a hard time after Christmas - just the post holiday let-down, etc. But it's probably magnified for some of us. Sorry you're in the thick of all that.

AND - I notice you signed up here about a month before I started being active on MS. About the first post I made after my into and story was under the topic "Does it always get worse before it gets better?" Not that my experience was so significant - BUT the responses I got were VERY helpful to me and might be to you, too. Here's the link to that thread:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6957#Post376957

And - it has now been 6 days since I turned a major corner. I can now see that all the "yucky stuff," as my lost boy would have called it, had to get stirred up before I could vomit it out. Part of it is dreams coming back - or at least remembering them rather than forced forgetting like I used to do. And yeah - the feelings that start to surface are pretty ugly at first - but I'm FEELING again which at least lets me know I'm still alive and human. It's not over yet, but I can definitely sense progress and positive changes.


(HEY EVERYBODY ELSE OUT THERE! Don't hold back on your comments - even if you think they aren't that great. You never know how many other guys need to hear what you have to say - even if it's only something like "I agree" or "I feel/felt that way too." There is strength in numbers - and that's not just a cliche.)

{HEY, MODS & ADMIN - any chance of getting a thing like Facebook has where you can just hit one key or icon to "Like" or "support" a particular post? That would really simplify the validation process and let everyone know that LOTS of others are on the same page.)

Regards,
Lee



Edited by traveler (01/23/12 08:23 PM)
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


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#383370 - 01/24/12 04:23 PM Re: I know it's hard but!!! [Re: traveler]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Traveller,

Sorry Traveller but I feel that there is no such thing as an insignificant incident in CSA. Your incident is just as significant as anybody else that was abused at any age. We just process the incident differently. Sorry if I'm putting the wrong slant on your reply - nothing was intended.

The worst is that most of my perps victims were around for Christmas and seeing them all brought back a lot of bad memories.

As Well, Thanks guys for your help and advise. It helped me put some things in perspective a bit.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top


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