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#383162 - 01/22/12 08:36 PM Abandonment issue?
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I've gotten past what happened (CSA and the other child abuse) and found abandonment issues might very well be the main issue now (besides a huge lack of emotional states that are good).

Any husbands work through those? Abandonment issues?

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383169 - 01/22/12 10:03 PM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Working on that now. Recently had a new memory that was jsut as painful as the abuse - my mom "abandoning" me to the control of my step-father. I remembered vividly when i realized that she was always going to side with him. Something happened in me at that moment and I made a conscious decision not to trust again. She ws still physically present in the home and did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc like a good June Cleaver - but was emotionally unavailable and NO support. From about 11 on, I realized that I was on my own.

This year I didn't even call my mom on Christmas and had no desire to see her. There has never been much contact between us since I moved out unless I initiated it. She'd even forget my birthdays. She was there whewn I was born - wasn't she?!!@ MAkes it hard to trust any other relationships when the most fundamental one is eroded. My wife doesn't get it yet but we are trying.

My Father's death when I was 3 was another big "abandonment" in my mind. And the step-father never did assume the father role except as a provider, authoritarian and disciplinarian.

Not that my case is important - but may be an example of how it sometimes happens... Maybe it is similar for you?

So - yeah, to me, at least, it's all part of the same big knot that needs to be untangled. I'm learning that every issue bleeds over into every other one no matter how I try to keep them separated.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#383172 - 01/22/12 10:14 PM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Traveler, I'm sorry.

I was left with a couple by my sperm donor the night my brother was born. The couple molested me. That's where everything stopped. Sperm donor was abusive anyway. Abandonment then and self-esteem issues seems to be what I'm trying to work on.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383175 - 01/22/12 10:48 PM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
How old were you at the time? How long did it go on? What kind of relationshipdo you have with your brother? is there anyone who validates you?

Actually - considering the kind of people that can abandon a child - maybe we're better off than if they had continued to be more actively involved! Poor attempt at humor! Seriously - keep up the good work. Let us know how it goes. Especially anything that you find useful.

Regards,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#383178 - 01/22/12 11:06 PM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: traveler]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
Well, unfortunately I have no advice, but one thing I have learned is that abandonment fear is one of the deepest core issues for my survivor, and I'll be watching this thread intently for any advice on how a F&F can help a survivor move through it.

My hope is that a safe trusting relationship can prove to the survivor over time that the person isn't going to leave.


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#383185 - 01/23/12 12:21 AM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: mmfan]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Traveler - I was 3 1/2. My mom always sided with my sperm donor too. Sorry you went through that too.

Mmfan - Thank you.

Thank you both for replying. I do think the abandonment issue leads to the self-esteem issues. I had wondered if any women here had a spouse that worked through it.

I'll post anything I find if I find. So much of the web is "this is why you do so-so now go see a T". It's like a damn ad.

Thanks. Peace.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383189 - 01/23/12 12:54 AM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Loving and wanting someone who does not love us back engenders a deep personal wound. Rejection hits a raw nerve whose root begins in childhood. It arouses our abandonment issues. Abandonment is primal fear, the first fear that each of us experience as an infant. It is the fear that we will be left, literally abandoned, with no one to care for us. Abandonment's wound is cumulative. It contains all of our losses, disconnections and disappointments from early on, the death of a parent, a teenage breakup, being out-shown by a sibling, these experiences make us more susceptible to heartbreak when we are abandoned as adults.

The abandonment wound, stored deep within the limbic brain, is easily triggered. You feel its raw nerve twinge when you fail to get recognition at work, a friend forgets to invite you to a party, or a date you thought was special did not call back. When being left is the trigger, core abandonment fears erupt. Stress hormones course through our bodies, compelling even the strongest among us to feel desperate and dependent. However self-sufficient we think we are, we suddenly feel we can’t live without him/her.
Being left also kicks up our control issues. The breakup wasn't our choice. Someone else cast us into this aloneness by choosing not to be with us. We feel at loss of our personal power to compel another person's love. "I must be unlovable and unworthy for him to discard me like that." Abandonment is similar to other types of bereavement, but its grief is complicated by rejection and betrayal. We turn the rage against ourselves, accounting for the severe depression that accompanies heartbreak. When we blame the breakup on our supposed inadequacies, we abandon ourselves. We automatically think to ourselves, “There must be something wrong with me that makes me not worth keeping.”

We emerge not only disconnected from self-love, but with a heightened fear of abandonment. If one person can discard us, we fear others will do the same to us in the future. Rather than dissipate, this fear tends to incubate. Its insecurity burrows deep within us where it sabotages our relationships. The fear of being left makes it more difficult to let go. The rejection creates nagging conflict; closure remains incomplete. We feel unjustly dismissed and we long for an opportunity to vindicate the hurt. We are left alone to grapple with the broken pieces. Mixed with our rage is a desire for our ex to come back to take away the hurt and rejection.

The paradox of abandonment is the tendency to idealize the abandoner. He or she emerges in our imaginations as a powerful figure. We assume she must be very special to have caused this much torment simply by being absent. The intense craving is confusing to our limbic brain. Stress hormones course through our bodies, causing a heightened response to anything related to our ex for a long time. An important thing to understand is there are five universal stages that accompany the loss of love: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. As we make our way through these stages of grief and recovery, we build self-esteem, resolve fear and self-doubt and restore the spirit.

The Five Stages of Abandonment are: 1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love. 2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return. 3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself. Idealizing the abandoner at your own expense, narcissistic injury sets in and fear incubates. 4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action. 5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities. You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#383191 - 01/23/12 01:13 AM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: phoenix321]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
Thank you Phoenix321!
I will be reading this again tomorrow...This is freakin' HUGE for me...
I am dealing with the loss of my sister at the T tomorrow..She was 5 I was 17 months and a care giver to me.
I can not imagine how loosing her has shaped my life and relationships. All I know is she abondoned me (not her choice obviously)...Tomorrow I will mourn her once and for all..
RIP Diane

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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#383201 - 01/23/12 05:17 AM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: NewSummer]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: NewSummer
Thank you Phoenix321!
I will be reading this again tomorrow...This is freakin' HUGE for me...
I am dealing with the loss of my sister at the T tomorrow..She was 5 I was 17 months and a care giver to me.
I can not imagine how loosing her has shaped my life and relationships. All I know is she abondoned me (not her choice obviously)...Tomorrow I will mourn her once and for all..
RIP Diane


I forget where I found it. It was quite a while ago. It does sound good info to me. You're welcome. I'm sorry about your sis. frown



Edited by phoenix321 (01/23/12 05:18 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#383464 - 01/25/12 08:09 PM Re: Abandonment issue? [Re: phoenix321]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Phoenix-

I think that the fear of abandonment was a monstrous issue for my beloved.

It was only after he (and I) felt confident that we were going to overcome his infidelities/sexual acting out that he began to open up and tell me about his CSA.

Once he began telling me, he started remembering things that helped him start to connect the dots into a picture of CSA which began at 4-5 years old, continued for him as a 16-year-old who was prostituted to gay pedophiles, followed by a life of inappropriate boundaries, anesthesizing with alcohol, and culminating with his infidelities/sexual acting out against me and our marriage.

I hope I understood your question?

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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