First, let me say that I hope your user name is becoming more of a reality for you every day.
Sounds like you still are working on it though.
"havenever felt any kind pf sexualization at all. ...i find these compulsive behaviors worst after a flashback or mightmare pf the abuse... Does anyone else cope with this, am I the only ome... How do I overcome it... How do I live a healthy sex life..."
I think you're asking the same things most of us are - and if any of us found the magick cure, he'd be the most popular guy on the site. You are in the midst of an enormous invisible crowd of fellow-questioners all looking for the same answers. (I'm standing right with you!) The details differ from person to person - some go to the opposite extreme from you and are compulsive in acting out various flavors of sexualized behavior. Others are more like you and switch it off. i've tried both at various times in my life as well as numerous variations in between - but always in solitude - not involving anybody else. None of the multiple choices worked well. Just temporary distractions. Now I'm getting help from a therapist and spending lots of time reading others' posts here on MS. Both have been extremely helpful to me.
My gut feeling and from what I've read and observed is that it works best to address the root issue - the abuse - FIRST - and eventually the healthy sex life may be achieved to some degree as a result. Don't think it works too well the other way around. That's like trying to train for a marathon before the broken leg has healed.
So - may you have the strength and courage and support you need to continue your journey. We're here for you.
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago