Oh, Melissa...

I feel so badly for you both. You truly are in a terrible situation, but it's not impossible.

I'm sure that many survivors can tell you what you already know; you seem to have an excellent understanding of what has left your husband so wounded.

At a site I get much help from (recoverynation.com), there are soooo many women in your shoes- exact same color, size and heel height! Please, please do visit that site and look at some of the postings in the "Partner's" forum. You are there! If he will look, your husband will find himself in the survivors forum, too.

The very real fear of sex and intimacy is so crippling. But it can be overcome with good therapy. It absolutely can't be overcome by either of you getting sex/intimacy from a third party. That practice will do much harm to your husband AND you. It will deepen his sense of worthlessness and hopelessness, and it will leave you feeling even more alone.

Maybe it is time for an ultimatum: Either he seeks counseling, or...? I despise the thought of giving an ultimatum, but I wouldn't hesitate to throw one down if the only other option was to destroy my marriage. I fear that your marriage, and your husband's mental/emotional health are doomed if you take any action other than seeking professional help.

I hope you will read this in the gentle, compassionate tone with which I intend it!

Sending you hugs-
herowannabe

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For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11