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#407916 - 08/25/12 08:57 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
As they say in the meetings, take what you like and leave the rest.

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#408072 - 08/27/12 06:51 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Claire Offline


Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 3
Hello All!
I've newly registered into the website. I have decided to do so after reading your posting Supergirl. I'm now on my 4th year in a" relationship "with a "friend". I do believe he has been sexually molested even though we never really talk about it directly. I always thought since I met him, that things were not quite right: 54 year old, physically looking like 40 year-old, very charming, etc, but been single for 25 years, married for 9 years, have 2 children. His sexual behavior has always put me on guards. He dates several girls in the same time, about 10, yes, in the same time. I don't even know how humanly one can do that. We were friends first, for about 1 year and half. Actually he was pursuing me very hard, but I kept my distance, intuitively knowing something not right. So, during that time, we became friends and talk to each other a lot. I have to say at that stage, we became best friends to each other. we really do care very much for each other, a high level of friendship.

Problems began when we slept for the first time, more than a year ago now. His behavior became completely erratic, confusing, moody, and angry. I was very confused and emotionally lost. Luckily for me for some reason I came across a book, Commitment phobic by Steve Carter. I began to read a lot about commitment phobic and phobia in general. All the books I read pointed me to sexual abuse. Also some clues that he left for me, such as telling me to read some books, most of them written by women who have been sexually abused, I though it was strange. I came across this website through my readings an researches.

He has told me recently that he used to be in a Catholic church and that priests were "f.....". I was serene when he told me that because of all the many readings I have done before.

Sorry for the long writing, but bottom line, this is what I want to tell you, Supergirl. I have thought a lot about getting or not getting involved with him. We tried to break up 10 to 15 times last year. Him breaking up with me and me not disagreeing. We agreed to go separate ways many, many times. As of today, we are still together. I have made the decision, knowing what I'm getting into because of the many, many readings I have done, to stay with him, at least as a friend, at best as a boyfriend. We work mechanisms that work for us. For example, we will not move in together until all his problems are resolved. We communicate almost only through emails and textings, no phone calls. We see each other when he "feels" good. I stay away from him after sex, at least a week. He's a workaholics and I understand it's part of his copping needs. I don't act needy. He doesn't want to be around my kids, which I totally agree, etc.

Yes please informed yourself as much as you can and be ready to tackle issues with him, stay on the top of the game as I can say.

Good luck!

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#408079 - 08/27/12 09:05 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Welcome, Claire. I just wanted to say what you wrote was very insightful, so thank you.

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#408083 - 08/27/12 09:32 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Please be considerate of the challenges facing supporters of a survivor. Many of the supporters on MaleSurvivor have come from stable, loving homes and have tried to make a life with a survivor, only to find the erratic, chaotic infidelity, sexual acting out and realizations that the hurt and pain associated with his past may undue the marital peace and companionship. These very supporters who come here are in many different types of relationships and have different backgrounds and expectations from such. It is amazing that a group of supporters facing such overwhelming obstacles can communicate in a one dimensional environment such as MaleSurvivor, reaching out to support other supporters and survivors and creating a healing environment in their own homes. That this environment can be fostered here is evidence of the sheer will of a supporter to hope for a present and future of blissful union with a survivor.

When others cannot explain exactly the nature of the relationship or their understanding of it, and come back to further define it, there could be discrepancies. Should that arise, let us not be quick to assume the worst, even if we are defending ourselves from further harm. Too, when we are accused of a discrepancy, we need to understand that those we wish to get experience and help from have been overwhelmed with many different "sides" of the same survivor, and it makes us sensitive to such discrepancies. Only by continuing to put up with each other in empathy and compassion, along with mercy will we be able to foster a healing place so that all supporters can come to find safe haven.

I am encouraged when I come into Family and Friends. Supporters, you get a hearty round of applause, a sincere "thank you" for the effort and determination you undertake to heal yourselves, support others in similar situations and your relationships.

My best to you all as we determine what is best for us, our loved ones and the lifetime friends we make and keep in MaleSurvivor.

Sam

The Moderator Team
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408154 - 08/27/12 10:35 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
I have read and re-read Claire's post above - and I have considered over and over not responding and I have to say that I am actually disappointed that no one else has responded.

Claire - all I can say is that you deserve to have your needs met in a loving and supportive way.

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#408292 - 08/29/12 09:51 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Claire Offline


Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 3
Esposa - we are not in a committed relationship. We won't until we resolved all these issues. But, he's my friend and I promised him I will be his friend for all my life. He has always been honest with me. He talked to me before we begin the relationship we have right now. He told me he will hurt me and he wanted to know if I will be able to handle it. I thought at the beginning, the guy is crazy. He didn't ask me once, but several time before we begin our relationship. And I did thought about what he told me. What make me change my mind was one night, he broke up with me with no apparent reason, he walked away and I saw tears in his eyes. That was almost a year ago. And I thought, something is not right.

I made the decision to take a risk in this relationship. By the way, is not all relationships a risk? Can we all find a super proof relationships without
any hurts? At least with him, I know in advance what is his problem. On the human side, he's extremely caring and understanding, always on my side. He's extremely sensitive and human. I truly enjoy him as a human being.

But, I will bail out if he physically become violent. So far, the only hurt he did to me is his sexual acting out. Chasing girls. I realize he does that when he's unsecured with me, when he's afraid I'm going to leave him. He has this very strange fear that one day I will leave him, based on no logical reasons. I did not do or say anything that can make him think I will leave him.

And yes, his sexual acting out bothers me and hurt me. If I see no change in that area, I will not stay with him.

I used to be in a emotional chaos with him. But not anymore. I have accepted the fact he has problems. The only issue for me is if I'm willing to deal with it. If not, I'll walk away and he will just be a friend. If I do, then, I have to support him in his efforts to try to get better. Yes, I said support, not fix. And I know, it's going to be a lot of work, but it will be something I want to do, and not because I feel I am obligated to do.

I think rejection is the worst thing you can do to a human being who is suffering.

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#408363 - 08/29/12 09:39 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
Hi Claire - I get you. Trust me, I do. But allow me....and I write the following with kindness in my heart:

Does this relationship and your commitment to it keep you from exploring things that truly meet your needs? I find it a little hard to believe that texting and not talking and having sex and needing a time out are truly fullfilling your emotional needs. But hey, what do I know. There is another post on here about lowering the bar and having low expectations. And there are many posts about people thinking they deserve less than they do. And even more posts about recognizing co-dependence.

I think we need to support, provide friendship and love - and compassion, but I also think it is unfair to both ourselves and our survivors when we sacrifice our own needs. And I think that we have a responsibility to our own children, to show them healthy relationships so that they, in turn, learn to build them for themselves.

You say he is afraid you will leave him but that there is no logic to that? Ummm, he is acting out sexually. Sounds like he is a little more realistic about the pain he creates for you than you are. And that, Claire, is what worries me about what you write. You are sending the message to me anyway, that you don't think you deserve more than what he offers. And that you think there is something noble about sacrificing what you need and deserve for his cause. There is nothing noble in that - only we supporters can't see that until we learn to detach.

I wrote another post about driving the getaway car. I feel a little like that's what you are doing. He's robbing banks and you're willing to drive the getaway car. Why? Sacrificing yourself is not a gesture of love - nor of self love.

It has taken me YEARS of pain to be able to say these things and mean them so I hope you are not offended.

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#408366 - 08/29/12 10:51 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Claire Offline


Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 3
Esposa- No, I'm not offended, I am glad you are talking to me frankly and I know you just want my well being. I am listening and take all your advice into consideration. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not committed to him and I don't want any commitment until I know for sure what I am getting into. No, I do not want to save him and I'm not planning to save him. I just feel sorry I might have to leave someone I truly care for. We have great conversations and I will deeply miss him as he is truly a friend.

Do I lower myself or I'd rather say do I lower my needs? I did not think I lowered myself because he's a super great looking guy, good job, etc, the type of guy girls will chase for. But, you are right that I more than likely lower my needs. I certainly want more than he has to offer. I will talk to him seriously and see what he wants out of the relationship.

Do I sacrifice myself? I don't know because we are not in a committed relationship.

What worries me is that I do not want to be with someone who is sick and does not want to heal. I do not want to take that burden. I do not want to babysit an adult. As you said, I've got my kids to take care of.

I just feel sorry I might have to loose a great friend, someone I really care for.

I will meet him soon, so I'll talk to him, and I will let you know.

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#408372 - 08/29/12 11:45 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Supergirl here is my two cents for what it is worth. I think it all comes down to what you want to experience. If being friends with someone like him and possibly helping or getting hurt is something you would like to experience then go ahead. Maybe you will be able to help maybe you won't. All of us get to choose what roads we want to take and all of them hold different lessons. My first husband was a crazy drunk and I chose to leave him and not deal with his problems. Now I am married to another man with problems and am choosing to take a different raod maybe I will be able to help maybe I wont but I want the to try this time and see what happens see what I can learn. So in my mind it just depends on what set of lessons you want to learn pleasant or painful
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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