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#407183 - 08/18/12 05:27 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Val and Esposa,

You are both obviously strong women who love your survivor husbands very much, enough to stick with them and wade into these forums for support and to support others. So, first of all, thank you for doing what you do.

Val, yes I was taking the survivor's side of this argument because no one else was.

I have never posted in the friends/family forum before this thread because it wasn't my place and thought I should give y'all the space you needed... but when I saw the lopsidedness of this conversation, I just had to say something.

For the record, I have zero DUIs, no STDs and no spouse or children to hurt with my acting out.

But there's one woman in my life that I regret got away from me, and she left me because of the CSA. The feeling that my brokenness drove her away, that there was nothing I could do, to think about it makes me sad.

That's all.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#407198 - 08/18/12 11:01 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Cant_remember, we have been told by other survivors that have not acted out how painful F & F can be for them. I'm sorry your potential partner bailed. I have the advantage of having distance between the CSA disclosure and acting out discoveries. I know what I did when I found out. I loved him. I held him. I asked him what he needed from me. I encouraged him. I stuck w him. I didn't judge him.

CSA disclosures are not necrssarily a partner repellant. Acting out...different thing. Legal troubles? Whole nother level.

It frustrates my husband that I can accept the CSA but not the accompanying compulsions that came w it. But they don't HAVE to go together.

The person who bolted on you was not up to the job. This frees you up for the person who is. We are out there and you are getting yourself ready by getting healthy. I can't wait to read about it when it happens for you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#407801 - 08/24/12 01:08 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: cant_remember]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
Thanks for all who responded. Let me update you.

I think I said he and I met through a friend but we actually work together - I was trying to change the details to make this much more anonymous (eg his name is not really Mark and I'm not really from Texas and I was not born in 1980) - sorry about that. So we have talked about this off and on through the last week.

First I let on to Mark that I knew what he was really arrested for. At first he denied it, saying "wrong place, wrong time" and that he would get out of it, but as we got to talking he basically admitted it, by saying things like "it's not like I was trying to sell myself." He said that his friends were teasing him about how ugly the prostitutes were (the mugshots of everyone caught in the sting were posted) and how he told them it wasn't one of them but his girl (undercover cop) was actually hot.

Later he came and sat by my desk and talked to me some more. As he should be, he is stressing over what is going to happen with his probation. He told me the molestation. He joked about it, but he brought it up, saying, "Maybe I should finally bring up how I was touched as a kid. 'Waaah waah I was molested'" and then said, "Hell, weren't we all touched as kids?" and I said, "I wasn't, but a lot of people were" and that he should talk to his attorney about it.

Unfortunately since then he is back to denying he did anything wrong, saying he's sure the case will be dropped since he never did anything. Unfortunately for him, the charge is "offering to engage in act of prostitution" - he didn't have to actually do it, just offer to do it. I brought this up and he said "never happened" so he's just in major denial or more likely just didn't want to talk about it.

I read more about codependency since everyone is screaming about it. I can see myself being totally codependent - I want to take care of everyone! I started seeing a therapist this summer (my own issues) and will bring up CD.

Again, with my own issues, I know that there is nothing I can do to help Mark at all. Nobody can help you. There was absolutely nothing anyone could have said or done or tried to make me want to get help - it all came from within. The only, only thing that helped me was when my friends who knew about my disorder just continued to love me anyway, despite all the crap I pulled. That made all the difference in my self-esteem and knowing I was lovable, worthy of getting treatment, that I wasn't an awful person despite the awful things I had done.

I actually don't have a boyfriend - I have a very strong love interest who has his act together. He is one of my close friends, but he's a whole other story.

Thanks for listening and for the incredible advice and input.

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#407806 - 08/24/12 02:51 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Honestly,

If I was around someone who made sarcastic baby crying sounds in regard to his CSA issues, I would get angry to the point of confrontation. That is total bullshit.

I assume it was much more than just "being touched," and if he can't acknowledge his own feelings on this and continues to put up a wall of sarcasm and denial around it all -- then the strong spouses who have been telling you to run from this guy are probably right.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#407824 - 08/24/12 06:24 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: cant_remember]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
If I was around someone who made sarcastic baby crying sounds in regard to his CSA issues, I would get angry to the point of confrontation. That is total bullshit.


Actually he might have said "poor me" or something instead of "waah"! I don't quite remember. But still, I can see he was trying to tell me and this is the only way he could do it, by being self-deprecating. There were people walking all around us. The point is, he wanted me to know and didn't know how I would react. I think he was feeling closer to me as a friend after our previous talk (we had gone outside and sat for about 45 minutes) and wanted me to know.

He definitely hides his pain by humor - he's always this way. So I don't think the way he told me is surprising. When we talk again later, alone, I will bring it up again and say first, I already knew, and second, get yourself help for THIS because it's destroying your life. Again, that's all I can do.

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#407872 - 08/25/12 08:28 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Supergirl - I understand masking personal traits for the sake anonymity, but you pull the rug out from all of us when you lie about the most basic facts. This place, this forum, where we all come to support each other and heal, does not and cannot continue to work when people come here and do that.

This sets off even more red flags about you being involved in this situation. When you manipulate facts, you manipulate us all to give the advice you want to hear.

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#407875 - 08/25/12 08:56 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
I agree, change names and locations, totally get it. Lie about relationships and situations, then what's the point?

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#407888 - 08/25/12 02:07 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: Esposa]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: Esposa
I agree, change names and locations, totally get it. Lie about relationships and situations, then what's the point?


I'm sorry, I can see how you would be alarmed by that. I was trying to protect him as much as possible by changing states. It is not my CSA.

However, he was a friend of a friend to start with - we work at a large company and did not work closely together until recently. I knew him first through the friend who told me about his CSA. Also I never said I had a boyfriend; I said I had a more serious love interest, which is absolutely true.

Every other detail is true.

Your guys' input has been invaluable. I get it - I really do. I hope in the future you will be less sarcastic and accusatory with people like me who post, not knowing much about CSA but wanting to help someone they know. All I ever wanted to do was be kind to another human being.

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#407891 - 08/25/12 02:32 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Nothing Esposa nor I wrote was sarcastic. And we have accused you of nothing, only acknowledged the mistruths you have written. You have some serious gall saying that we have.

I cannot be involved in a situation with a person I do not trust nor have any clue about their true agenda. I have enough of that with my own H, something ALL of us partners are dealing with.

Sorry, but I'm done here.

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#407903 - 08/25/12 05:09 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
I wasn't talking about you two, but others. Feel free to read the thread again, particularly whoever made the "yeehaw" comment about Texas men. You and Esposa especially were great and I really appreciate it.

I guess what I've been told is true in that F&F is full of people at the end of their rope, fed up with being lied to, etc. No clue about my "true agenda?" Huh?

I will encourage my friend to visit forums like this one, but fortunately he won't need to visit F&F. The hostility here is beyond belief.

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