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#407059 - 08/17/12 06:19 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Run. Fast. I am 12 years in my marriage with a survivor and if only I knew then...

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#407060 - 08/17/12 06:22 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Yoda: "To Obi-wan you listen!"

To Val you listen! ;-)

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#407070 - 08/17/12 10:39 AM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I wasn't going to get involved in this thread, but well, too late. Allow me to expound Supergirl...

My husband is good looking, charming, and has a lager than life personality. He genuinely enjoys and appreciates women. That said, in the 12 years we have been together, he has always surrounded himself with needy, damaged, co-dependent female friends.

ACT I: Handsome Boy Meets Awkward Girl who feels so "honored" to have the cool kid at school notice her.

ACT II: Handsome Boy's Secret Pain Is Revealed so Girl feels as though she is the only one who "really knows him" and mistakenly believes only she can "save him"

ACT III: The Charade Continues...until one day there is an emotional and/or sexual affair, or the Girl is stuck in an emotionally abusive friendship she cannot extricate herself from.

ACT IV: The Inevitable Implosion

None of these women are particularly "bad" people, they just have their own issues and were easily led astray. One told me how she was shocked to the core when her own mother told her she was never going to have a boyfriend/husband/marriage/family until she quit mooning over my husband. While she was "friends" with my husband, she ruined every relationship she had by pouring her resources into him. She wised up and got out. Immediately, she was happy and wonders how it all came to be in the first place.

The fact that you have a normal functioning boyfriend means nothing here. The fact that you are arguing with people in this forum who have not only been around this block a few dozen times, but are WARLORDS of this block, tells me you are solidly in ACT II but gearing up towards ACT III (ACT III being the amazing sneak-attack, you hardly know it happens until you are well into ACT IV).

However, it is not too late. His problems are that - HIS.

YOU, my dear girl, are a frog in a slowly boiling pot of water, and WE are the tongs trying to help you out before you become someone's entre.

You clearly know that you are in danger of something because you would not be here otherwise. You have asked for assistance and we are giving it. Accept it as you will or continue on until the play's ending. I can absolutely guarantee you it doesn't end well and it is no damn comedy.


Edited by Valkyrie (08/17/12 06:13 PM)

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#407098 - 08/17/12 01:20 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
When I meant he can't do it alone, I mean he needs intense therapy. A professional. Rehab. Something. NOT ME.

Valkyrie, I'm not arguing with you guys. I'm absorbing your input like a sponge.

I will run from this train wreck. If I were some amazing saint of a person I would try to stick around but I'm not. This is all too dangerous and destructive.

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#407102 - 08/17/12 01:43 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
TRIGGERED RESPONSE - ADVANCE WARNING! I apologize in advance, but the responses I've read have hit me hard - wasn't going to respond, but then thought maybe someone on this side of the coin should say something......

ok ... this guy definitely has problems and with CSA in his past, probably some majorly unresolved ones. And if you think only an "amazing saint of a person" should be his friend" and you see friendship with him as "a train wreck", please, by all means, run.

Don't consider how that kind of departure may strike him ... another type of abuse ... rejection - but then - his problem, not yours.

Yes - run. My guess is he'll be better off in the long run without you.

...end of VERY TRIGGERED RESPONSE.

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#407105 - 08/17/12 02:18 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Originally Posted By: supergirl1980
I'm not trying to save him but am very afraid for him....I am slightly worried about suicide, honestly...The few friends I've told say he is a loser and to run like hell, but I can't do that. I want to talk to him and tell him he cannot do this on his own, and he desperately needs therapy. Should I tell him I know what happened? Back away from him?


You say you will run but everything you have written indicates exactly the opposite. The fact you are even here asking indicates exactly the opposite. You are already involved and are looking to be more so.

And I can't speak for all survivors, but if someone unexpectedly laid it on my H that they knew he was abused, it would send him over a cliff and cause him to act out in his usual self-destructive, self-mutilating way.

Feel compassion but stay DETACHED. You really have no idea what you are dealing with here. This guy has to come to his own realizations and then seek help on his own. It has to begin with him.

YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM.


Edited by Valkyrie (08/17/12 02:21 PM)

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#407106 - 08/17/12 02:21 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
*** CUSS WORD WARNING ***

What the fuck is going on here?

This woman comes here looking for support, and everyone tells her to run? What is wrong with you people?

How many survivors here would be dead or in prison if it hadn't been for a perceptive, empathetic friend helping steer him towards recovery?

How many of us are dead because everyone who could have helped ran away instead?

Supergirl, do your thing. If Mark can articulate to a judge that he has CSA issues and needs help, maybe he can avoid prison time. He's hit rock bottom and he needs help. If you don't help him, who will?

(I probably should have given an advance warning for excessive rhetorical questions, huh?)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#407110 - 08/17/12 02:46 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
If "Supergirl" goes in for a penny, she has to go in for a pound. It's a massive commitment with potentially good and bad consequences and she is being appropriately warned about the seriousness of it all.

Many of us partners have learned the hard way that we cannot force a survivor into recovery they aren't ready for, nor can we "fix" them. Many of us have lost ourselves to this nightmare and have struggled to regain ourselves.

What if she digs in to this and finds she cannot handle it? What happens to the survivor then? That point has already been brought up by a survivor here.

What if she surprises this guy with the knowledge of his abuse and he freaks the hell out like a lot of survivors do? I have witnessed that twice now and I don't wish that experience on anyone.

What if she like many of the capable, intelligent partners here on this forum, loses herself in this guy's problems? She already admits she is "sick" over this. There's a way to be compassionate, supportive, and detached until such time this guy decides for himself that he needs help.

There's all sorts of variables and ways this can play out. She may ignore everything said here, but she asked for opinions and she is receiving the cold hard truth in return as many of us have experienced it. Of course it is up to her to perform the cost/benefit analysis, but it's not fair to the survivor or anyone else around her if she goes about this half-committed, half-witted, and ill-informed.

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#407111 - 08/17/12 03:06 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045

This guy needs help, and she could be the only one to help him.

Nowhere in the advice she received from spouses/friends did I see any caveats to the advice to run away.

This Mark guy, aside from the prostitution bust, doesn't sound all that bad. Isn't every Texan born with one DUI on their record?

Yes, you are right to be concerned about HOW she reveals her knowledge of her abuse to Mark. It could indeed blow up in a bad way. But we're not talking about a casual friend, we're talking about a guy in legal jeopardy at rock bottom.

Let's help this guy out and give Supergirl the support she deserves for at least TRYING to be a hero.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#407115 - 08/17/12 03:55 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
We are cautioning her to stay away, because as Herowanabe previously pointed out, absolutely everything Supergirl has written points to a really strong co-dependent nature. If this is true, in trying to be a "hero" to this guy, there will be two people suffering from his CSA instead of just one.

Supergirl - I would greatly encourage you to search this forum site for "co-dependency" and really read through other partners' experiences and how they fell into that trap.


Edited by Valkyrie (08/17/12 03:55 PM)

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