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#382982 - 01/20/12 09:12 PM Should I bother trying to friend this guy?
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
I've been getting to know a guy (I'll call him Mark) the past few months through mutual friends/coworkers. I was attracted to Mark right away. He's handsome, intelligent, hilarious and very flirtatious. Then I discovered he's extremely moody and on probation for felony DUI (multiple arrests). So I don't want to be in a relationships with him but I still really like him as a friend. He's so fun to be around and he's never asked me out so we're just friends. However his moodiness, constant sexual comments and what I can only describe as being very selfish all turn me off. And from what I hear his looks and initial charm attract women for lots of one-night stands but his behavior pushes them away for anything more.

The other day I was saying how this behavior was getting on my nerves and I didn't know why he was such a trainwreck when he had so much going for him. His close friend told me in confidence that Mark had been molested by a relative as a child. I'm still in shock, but now Mark's behavior makes more sense, especially this rage that seems to be under the surface. I don't know if he's ever gotten any therapy outside of court-ordered rehab for the DUIs.

I can't get this out of my mind and I feel so sick. Next time I see him I just want to hug him. How can I be a friend to Mark or let him know I'm there for him without him thinking I want to jump in bed with him? I've had plenty of friends in the past with substance abuse problems so I have no fantasies of fixing Mark, but I do genuinely like him. It makes me sad to see someone in so much pain.

I'd appreciate any advice.


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#382984 - 01/20/12 09:25 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
I'd say stay clear. I've done some of the same things and things haven't worked out for me. I just lost the love of my life over my anger, moodiness and selfishness. I finally realized I needed help with my abuse. At least until he gets help.


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#382985 - 01/20/12 09:30 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Supergirl,

Hey, love the name. I got all her comics.

My mum would say, are you crazy? Truthfully that's what she'd say.

I'd say no to this guy since his a felon but that's me. Most people want nothing to do with a criminal and that's okay. I really don't either. Something minor, sure. Ex-druggie/alkie? I would. He's obviously major though. Maybe all he's into is one-night stands? Guys that have a history like that my momma would say, run away from.

Don't let beauty fool ya. The worst guys come with charm and beauty and more baggage than a hotel at checkout. How do you know his friend ain't his wingman saying what you want to hear so you'll feel sorry, etc.?

Selfish equals narcissism in my experience with guys.

I'm sorry about it all. You have a tough decision to make. IMHO, NO is all I could advise without knowing either of ya.



Edited by phoenix321 (01/20/12 09:33 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#382986 - 01/20/12 09:32 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: mcl1982]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: mcl1982
I'd say stay clear. I've done some of the same things and things haven't worked out for me. I just lost the love of my life over my anger, moodiness and selfishness. I finally realized I needed help with my abuse. At least until he gets help.


I'm sorry. You are so right.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#382987 - 01/20/12 09:36 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: phoenix321]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
Originally Posted By: phoenix321
Originally Posted By: mcl1982
I'd say stay clear. I've done some of the same things and things haven't worked out for me. I just lost the love of my life over my anger, moodiness and selfishness. I finally realized I needed help with my abuse. At least until he gets help.


I'm sorry. You are so right.


It's true. Just looking at my life and all I've done.


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#382988 - 01/20/12 09:52 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: mcl1982]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
mcl1982, thanks. Did you have any friends that supported you and encouraged you to get help?


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#382991 - 01/20/12 10:36 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
mcl1982 Offline


Registered: 01/09/12
Posts: 44
Loc: IL
I made the decision on my own. It took losing the woman I was going to ask to marry me to realize it. frown I just told her all the details Monday, her parents Tuesday and my dad today. It's been an emotional week for me. She was talking to me and I got my hopes up and we watched a movie and had dinner last night, but she's still not over my anger and she told me today we couldn't see each other anymore or talk right now.

No one knew what was wrong when all this happened. It took a few weeks to finally tell her. I knew if I didn't get help and tell someone I would never heal.



Edited by mcl1982 (01/20/12 10:38 PM)

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#382994 - 01/20/12 11:20 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: mcl1982]
supergirl1980 Offline


Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Texas
Good for you for getting help. I'm so sorry she's back off, but I hope she is there for you when you're ready. You deserve a wonderful woman.


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#382996 - 01/20/12 11:43 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: supergirl1980]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Oh my.

Okay, I don't want to appear crass and negative, but I'm going to relate to you as if you were my daughter.

What a lovely, compassionate soul you are! You see the good in Mark, and in your healthy mind can see the great life/relationships he could have if he could... change...?

The not-so-hot qualities you've detailed can be characteristics of the ignored/filed away trauma of CSA. However, they are also charcteristics of an alcoholic, a sex addict and a sufferer of mood disorders: border personality, depression, bipolar, to name but a few.

I would caution you strongly in your desire to "help" him. I'm only reading text, not YOU, but your words scream: I'm a "codependent".

Codependents' switches are flipped by their perception of being needed, of being one who can help. Their desire to save another is stronger than common sense and is so overpowering that the realities of a situation are invisible.

As you consider Mark, please make no serious overtures until you read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". You need to at least be aware of your own vulnerbilities before you can SAFELY attempt to help another. To not understand yourself first will not only hurt you, but the one you wish to help.

YOU, first. Then, Mark. Maybe! In the meantime, the one safe thing you can do for him is to pray for him and to ask God to show you how you can, IF you can, help him.

I send this with a big smile! You are a nice person!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#382998 - 01/20/12 11:47 PM Re: Should I bother trying to friend this guy? [Re: phoenix321]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
P.S. I posted before reading the comments already made. I'm obviously a female, so you may blow off my advice. That's okay, but please do listen to these survivors! They know of what they speak and guys know guys better than we girls EVER will. I wish you well, Supergirl!

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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