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#382902 - 01/20/12 12:41 AM Where do we go after MS
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I look at the posts, and the eagerness to offer advice is no longer their, and I often find myself saying Oh get over it, move on. I would like to stay around, but feel that the new crowd have got it covered.

So where do we go to now, healed a lot but still damaged goods,not feeling like we fit in, but still wanting help and wanting to help?

MS has been a huge part of my life for 9 or 10 months, so I wont leave it completely, but the desire to check in every day is now diminishing.

Any Ideas?

Heal well all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382914 - 01/20/12 05:41 AM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: whome]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: whome
....So where do we go to now,....


martin, somewhere at the beginning of my posts in nov. 2009....i joined this board and asked a question "what do we do now?" post-recovery.

i still do not know.

in the 80s/90s, before there was an electronic way to communicate with each other, i found excellent face2face support for one cause and one cause only: childhood abuse.

what about all the other things that happen in life? my rape is not the issue anymore and there are new, equally as threatening and challenging ones to replace rape recovery in the pursuit of any happiness: threatened job loss, loneliness, old age, financial worries, stress... and i recall from one of your posts you have a new one too, the rape of spouse.

advice is easy and free. i've dabbled in face2face support on those issues above with non-survivors. my gay fellows don't understand how anyone in 2012 can lose their job for being gay (just "get a new one" is the resounding, oversimplified advice). and funny that - it doesn't cross any of their minds to say "dude, i know of a job lead!" or "dude, lets hook up on linkedin, cruise my contacts and i'll introduce you" etc. etc. tiny gestures that ultimately could open huge doors.

for loneliness -- that free advice is "get out there," without understanding that is risky too due to my job. yet the tiniest of gestures would make a world of difference: "dude, i have a single friend, maybe you two should talk?"

all to say - like it or not - its every man for himself.

i think we need more than advice, and i think electronic life fails at nearly every important stage.

so, i am fairly powerless right now until i can change direction (or die trying) and finally put to rest this past 11 years of excruciating misery begun in 2001. but i do vow and commit this much: once i'm on a stable path again, i would like to set up a fund or some sort of non profit organization that continues to offer support for male survivors after their recovery.

it will NOT be online, for i detest the online world. smile it will be community outreach, face2face. it will help them free of charge and it will not abandon them as i believe is the case for post-recovered survivors now.


_________________________
Jeff

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#382917 - 01/20/12 08:48 AM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: westchesterguy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Martin,
I'm not sure how to respond to your question. But I'll give you my perspective for couple of months I've spent here at MS. I'm already let say a little bit stuck here and coming to site maybe even more than I would like. It is source of many stories, place which can give huge assistance, support and many other things. I have to admit that I've never used to hang around virtual places; I prefer real life much more and I wonder where all this leads me. Somehow down deep I know that I wont be here forever. My expectations are while Iím here to get to know more things about myself, to make some friendships (if that would be possible), and get my everyday life easier to bear.
Off course that there are new kids on the block who jumped and older members have been put in other plan; thatís the way world is. But you are definitely not in second line. I mean you are so active here, you have huge knowledge, giving some positive thoughts to this site every day; youíve started blog, you are helping in your country to other survivors.... And we know about all this things cause you are so active member at MS. I can just say so many good things by Whome...
Maybe it is sign of healing that you don't find this place so appealing like you did before?
I would like to think about this place as tool that will be available to us no matter if we would move out.
It is good thing to have knowledge about this kind of safe and available place. In this light I saw that you have had situation a couple days ago. Youíve asked for some advices and youíve got support by people here. That was great example; what else is needed :-)?
Pero

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My story

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#382920 - 01/20/12 10:40 AM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: westchesterguy]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi WCG

Thanks, and I hear you. Although we have all the tools in the world to communicate with one another world wide, I fear that we cant actually "communicate". As you so aptly put it, instead of reaching out a helping hand, it is more of a bun fight for self recognition and advancement.
I find the world in general pretty shallow, and gone are the days where the neighbourhood came out to rebuild a family home that burnt down, or fed the family whose father lost his job.

It is far easier to experience all of that through "extreme home makeover" on TV, and to feel that we have had that experience and don't have to partake ourselves.

I am very active in supporting others, and although I have a wonderful T, I still want the interaction of older survivors that have healed and want to talk about the good positive things. This is what is missing here, somewhere to share the positive aspects of healing with men that have gone through all the pain of recovery.

Thanks for responding WCG, and I hope that you find a job soon, and better friends, (sorry low blow) well at least friends that will offer a helping hand.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382922 - 01/20/12 10:50 AM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pero

Thanks Man.
I love your clarity and foresight, you have been here four months and have made great progress.
You are right, the desire to come here less is a sign of healing, a sign that I have dealt with a lot of my demons and that I am ready to move on. There is nothing wrong with that, and as with all things older we always feel that the younger ones are perhaps "different" to us, and their way of doing things may not be to our liking.
I wont be leaving MS for now, but I wont be as active.

I was however wondering if there were a site more suitable to men that have dealt with their demons and wanted to move on.

You keep at it, and rest well in the knowledge that if you want something bad enough, you Will get it.

Thanks again Pero
Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382924 - 01/20/12 10:55 AM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Martin,

My motivation to be here goes thru cycles.

There is no "after MS"-there is just a road I choose to stay on and MS is part of that road. I will always need connection and truth-even if it is only electronic. So long as men show up here with their stories, their pain, and their successes, I hope to make MS part of my life.

Im lucky in that my schedule allows me regular time to check in to MS while working out on at a fitness center. I check in because it helps me, not because I "desire" it necessarily. And sharing helps me become unstuck and re-affirm what my path has been, good and bad.

I continue to seek out and do things that are helpful and productive for me: connection, learning, community, and walking my path. I do not isolate, obsess, zone out, escape, or feed the pain by harming myself with drugs, food, sex, money, etc.

As such, I don't add a lot of pain, drama, or misery to my life these days, so I'm not in crisis as when I first started to face the abuse or was acting out compulsively and wallowing in shame and fear.

Just some random thoughts.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#382938 - 01/20/12 01:20 PM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: whome]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: whome
....I find the world in general pretty shallow, and gone are the days where the neighbourhood came out to rebuild a family home that burnt down, or fed the family whose father lost his job....


yes, i agree. hmmm, maybe the "recovery process" itself, when we sit with fellow survivors in group for a year or more, our expectations are set higher for what the future holds in relating with other men? we walk away from that experience, perhaps, thinking we are all --after all-- just bros.

and i don't necessarily mean it is a "let down" in post-recovery as we discover brotherly love is nowhere to be found. it is more of a philosophical quandary that even becomes a "social penalty" for simply being enlightened.

recovery may help us learn to like, trust, befriend men again. but how many slaps does it take before we stop extending our hand?

that "like," at least for me, has evolved over the years into something much greater -- for even though i can be a bastard sometimes (and own it) i do understand a lot of what makes men whacked. smile and think we on this board do in general. i cite the number one reason as simply "oppression." i want men to be empowered, i think we deserve it and have earned it and we'd all be better for it. just like women --and i am a feminist-- but damnit men too need a liberation movement!

how do we get there? can't see it happening online!

reach back into group therapy: empower each other, embrace our sexuality and our masculinity and the joy of healthy sex and the joy loves brings us. the hope that life can bring happiness. i think we all, somehow and someway, could benefit from evolving online communication into more of a real life experience...just not sure entirely how other that stating the plainly obvious "let's meet in person on weekend!"

speaking of, i really do hope that some day i can visit south africa. wish it was as easy as this weekend lol. but hopefully sometime before 2020 at least! ;-)

_________________________
Jeff

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#382940 - 01/20/12 01:31 PM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: westchesterguy]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
You are of course always welcome at Mi Casa.
Getting hold of me is easy, martin@matrixmen.org of course.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382950 - 01/20/12 01:56 PM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: whome]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1403
Loc: California
Martin,

You don't have to make any decisions about this, do you? It sounds like you want to make a decision.

I view recovery as a process that is not linear. I'm sure you've heard this before. Allow your desire to post and participate to ebb and flow. I felt exactly the same way you did back in March, and disappeared for a couple months. And then I reappeared and have been sticking around ever since.

The desire comes and goes, and thats totally okay with me. I understand your dislike of all the negativity here. Some people seem determined to STAY in that shit hole. That is their choice. I, however, as a part of my recovery, need to keep participating, and I especially need to keep posting my successes and failures and light the path for those who might come after me. I don't know who I might wind up helping.

I know that I have insights and wisdom and that I'm a great writer. You're a good writer too, and you have a lot of strength and courage. I hope that you find a place to feel like it is being put to good use.

My suggestion - just think of it as a process, not a decision that has to be made.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#382977 - 01/20/12 07:57 PM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: Magellan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Martin,

The "old" survivors have checked in, to be sure, lol. Personally, I have found a path in expanding my role here in MS. Being a Greeter has it's rewards, and is a goal that can be achieved by those who want to reach out in appreciation for the work MaleSurvivor has opened up to them. There is much satisfaction in being one of the first to approach new ones and offer them guidance in site and recovery navigation. While this is an offered position, one cannot sign up for it, the site staff is looking over the involvement and will approach those they wish to offer this fine work.

Too, one can reach out for site administration, looking for new books and literature for our book store, as well as Supporting/Facilitating at a Healing Circle/Round Table. These are very satisfying positions and can do much to reinforce the healing we have experienced in our time here. There is a great deal that goes on behind the "screen", and there is a need for such ones. Martin, you are well versed in these areas of course, I wish only to make others aware of the volunteering that can be had here in MS.

I have found much satisfaction in reaching out to volunteer here in MaleSurvivor. The recovery/thriving/victory continues, as will my involvement here in MS.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#383282 - 01/23/12 09:32 PM Re: Where do we go after MS [Re: SamV]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
"Recovery is not getting over it. It's controlling it." An alcoholic said about the same thing once.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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