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#382865 - 01/19/12 05:05 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: Still]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
We fell apart when the abuse happened everything we knew has been torn apart.

We create a persona to survive the abuse one that is ok on the outside but not on the inside and will force ourselves to live our life if need be this way to cover up the shame.

Alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addictions, eating disorders, emotional disconnection the debilitating ailments all.


Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
This may seem like such a fundamental issue that I should have already resolved, but I have not.

I NEED to know why relatively few of us fall apart, have PTSD, deep debilitating ailments out of the millions of boys who have been sexually abused.

If you have an answer, thought or opinion, PLEASE leave it here.

Any of the professionals' input would be greatly appreciated. I have asked several Ts and always get a smokey walk into another subject.


_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#382875 - 01/19/12 06:38 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: Still]
timetested Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 30
Since I am new at dealing with my own CSA experiences, I can't answer the question from that perspective. On the other hand, some of my other life experiences may have some hint.

I grew up in a community with many Holocaust survivors, and many of my closest friends had parents who went through the camps, etc. Later I worked on Holocaust related issues professionally, both in films I worked on and as a museum employee. As such I worked closely with survivors.

I bring this up not to compare CSA with the Holocaust. On the other hand, both experiences represent a very traumatic experience that, even if it has ended, leaves an indelible mark on its victims.

What I've learned from that is that people are incredibly resilient. We bounce back, rebuild, and go on with our lives with varying degrees of success. Once we've survived the worst, everything else seems trivial. Often, we push it back into a forgotten past. I can't tell you how many people I know who have never heard from their parents about what they experienced. It was a combination of shame and guilt that kept them from opening up, whether to therapists, their families, etc. Sounds familiar, eh?

I debated writing this, but there is another angle to the story as well. As early as high school I could tell automatically which of the people I knew had parents who were survivors and which did not. It is impossible to place a finger on what it was that set them apart, but it was there and we all knew it. I think it was that as stoic as their parents may have been, at least externally (and not all of them were; some were definitely not), there was a certain amount of anguish and pain that they carried with them and was picked up by their kids.

I can't help wondering if the victims of abuse pass on some of their pain to their children, whether knowingly or not.


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#382888 - 01/19/12 09:00 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: timetested]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: timetested

I can't help wondering if the victims of abuse pass on some of their pain to their children, whether knowingly or not.


According to my T, yes.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#382889 - 01/19/12 09:13 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: Still]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown

This may seem like such a fundamental issue that I should have already resolved, but I have not.

I NEED to know why relatively few of us fall apart, have PTSD, deep debilitating ailments out of the millions of boys who have been sexually abused.

If you have an answer, thought or opinion, PLEASE leave it here.



I think the answer is that there is a great variety of the depth of abuse. It could perhaps be rated just like earthquakes, where there is a system of 1 to 10 on the Richter Scale of severity. Many boys (and girls) only get abused from 1 - 4 on the abuse scale. They can go for much of their lifetime with only minor tremors. A level of 1 or 2 is not to be dismissed because there is misery and trouble there. Those who have a grade 5 or 6 on the abuse scale will have some major problems but the problems are amenable to solution. Those who get 7 - 9 on the abuse scale are in for major problems, but even there a lot of healing can be achieved with hard work and proper counseling. Medication may be required.

I believe I was probably about 7, maybe 8 on the scale. By this time I'm pretty free of depression and PTSD. My vision and reading problems are 90% cleared up. I'm still progressing.

The effects of the abuse are strongly dependent on the quality of family life in the home of the child.

Puffer




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#382890 - 01/19/12 09:41 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: pufferfish]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I think that what makes some of us never "lose it" depends on the support, if any we received around the time of the abuse and shortly after. I think that if you have good support in the immediate future it gives you a chance to get it off your chest then and also lets you know that there are way more good willing to help you out than bad people wanting to hurt you.

I kept my abuse bottled up for basically over 40 years. I did very well at keeping it hidden during a 30 year career but I was never comfortable with myself in different ways socially. I never realised that it was caused by my CSA.

Because my perp was my sperm provider, I never had a chance for the GOOD SUPPORT that I feel would have helped me immensely. If I'd been able to overcome the shame and fear, I know that one of my close friends parents would have taken me in and given the caring loving family that we all crave for. After all, I was practically family anyway. Not askig them ruined my life until I was 56 years old.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#382895 - 01/19/12 11:09 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: pufferfish]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
there is a system of 1 to 10 on the Richter Scale of severity.


Grand....so where does that put me?

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#383737 - 01/28/12 06:29 PM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: Still]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
[quote=pufferfish]there is a system of 1 to 10 on the Richter Scale of severity.


I find that as victims to many times we try to deny ourselves the right to hurt and heal by looking at others and saying their abuse was worse than mine what do I have to complain about. It is not the amount or degree of abuse that affects us it is the fact we had our trust and childhood innocence taken from us by an uncaring person for their needs. It is the act of betrayal.


_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#383758 - 01/29/12 12:21 AM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: F.A.]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
As long as I didn't have a responsibility restricting me, geographic relocation served as a reset coping mechanism that let me dump stress and start over.
I say that acknowledging that I do have a sense of foreshortened future and periodically dabbled in prostitution - but those don't show. I looked okay. The prostitution I hid well and I chased wars.

Had I not embraced the responsibility of a husband and father, I might have run til I died, with nobody the wiser.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#383765 - 01/29/12 03:12 AM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: MrEdd]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
I held it together for three decades, there was a lot of untreated post-sexual assault trauma issues but when l disclosed what happened a hell broke loose and l was a mess with psychotic/neurotic conditions. Delayed PTSD...and everything coincided with the terror l survived, even the psychosomatic body memories.
Because l had really bad therapy provided by the Veterans Mental Health Care the esteem and confidence l had totally disintergrated rapidly. So did my ability to function and maintain my life.
Within two years l lost the business, home, possessions and even my coonhounds died. I was a mumbling psycho living in the streets without dignity or modesty and everyone thought l was a crack head since l went malnurished and lost forty pounds.
I kept a daily journal and it was a good thing since it documented the unbelievable amount of difficulty l had daily.
It still crushes and saddens me to recall how it could happen to me. Sometimes l wonder where and what my situation would be if l never disclosed the event.
But then again l also wonder where this journey for survivorship will lead me too.
One thing for sure is l am glad l found other survivors who showed me how to be one.
Thanks

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#383818 - 01/30/12 12:18 AM Re: NEED an answer PLEASE [Re: Still]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
Robbie,
My question is, why do you believe it is "relatively few?" I think of my three siblings and many others who suffered CSA and ASA who never sought professional help for the molestations they suffered. Every one of them acts out in different ways. The symptoms are most definitely there but are cleverly hidden from public view.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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