Phoenix and Hero's last posts nailed it for me.
As a CSA survivor myself, and as a person with multiple years of sobriety, I don't leave a lot of wiggle room in the avoiding accountability department. I just don't. I don't expect perfection, and I understand that my time frame is not my husband's time frame, but I do expect this: once he told his story, he could choose to grow or to go.
I will not play the "whose CSA was worse or more extreme game", and I won't pretend that marital abuse did not and is not happening. It's heart-breaking that the two are intertwined, but it's a disservice to his recovery and to mine (on multiple fronts) to not hold him accountable for his actions. CSA cannot be the scapegoat for dangerous actions as an adult. That said, should he choose to continue to live in any addictions without seeking recovery at all, and without being relatively open about where he is in that recovery, then I simply cannot stay. It's too dangerous for me physically, spiritually and emotionally.
It's difficult to support anyone who wants to stay sick. It's not as difficult to support someone who acknowledges 'slips'. yet at the same time, I am completely allowed to have deal-breakers, no matter what the root cause of the actions are. As a female survivor who acted out sexually, I can look back and see how my own shame drove me to either leave or be left in more than one marriage. Multiply that x10,000and that might come close to the shame male survivors carry. And it's still not an excuse that can justify acting out. Explain, yes. Justify in the face of limited willingness or awareness to recover? Nope.
I support recovery if it really is recovery and not crying wolf, which is personally where I'm at. I don't know if survivors here have done that, but that's what my husband is doing. It really hurts.
I'm discombobulated. Survivors, please know that I might be healthier tomorrow. I so appreciate your bluntness and honesty, even in the face of an emotionally difficult conversation.