I need it. It's gross though. I'm scared to actually have sex. Ive done it a few times this year but it's scary. I don't know what the hell "healthy sexuality" is. Women are fucking pretty and scary. Gross gross gross gross.
I want to live free and clean. I want love and happiness. I fight toth and nail for it everyday and I'm gettin there. This porn shit kinda fucks with my head that's all.

I haven't answered a post in a while. But this resonates especially the confusion I read in what you write.

Pornography has little to do with sexuality other than showing the physical act of sex and all the variations. It's two dimensional. There is no substance, no emotion, just pure mechanics of what two or more human beings can accomplish using their genitals.
Not too say it doesn't cause arousal. It can, because thats how we are wired. We don't have a period of reproduction that is fixed. We can reproduce all year long. thats a rarity in the animal kingdom. there are few species that use that strategy aside from humans.
Watch pornography when you are not arouse and you will just find it silly, gross, sometimes violent. You have no connection to the actors on the screen.
Healthy sexuality may take time. It's not just about the act. Its about attraction to a person, seduction, communication, closeness, trust. It doesn't matter what your preferences or your fantasies are, those are to be discovered btween you and your partner. Healthy sexuality is within.
So you use porn as a form of release, well, you can stop using porn if you think its a problem for you. Or you can use it and take it at face value for what it is. They really messed up with our minds when it comes to sex, so much that we don't know what were suppose to like or not. It caused a great deal of shame growing up. Now there is nothing to feel shame about. It's just you. Sex is not dirty or gross, it's just part of who we are. You mention , you wanna live free and clean. What is free? what is clean?

kinghenri, i think everyone would agree that "healthy sex" is at its foundation -- the sharing and commitment between two who love each other.

but i'm also one to face reality head on. their ain't no "other" person for some of us.... and hey, i'm 47, still got it, still want it, and hate the thought that if i don't use it - i'll shrivel up.

so very bluntly, porn is it - its all i have. i imagine i'm not alone either.

i do hope though that i keep a clear head about use of porn as its only fantasy. truthfully most of what i watch is rated g anyway. the greatest turn on is just watching that first kiss -- all their clothes still on 'cause i can't even get to that stage in real life anymore.

so, whatever works, hopefully you can keep a clear head too and work out the deal with women so that the "healthy" bit comes true at some stage. by all means, don't end up like me! or its a very empty sex life - for life, bluntly put.

Straight up way to put it man. Porn can be a head trip. Personally, it puts me in a place where afterward, I get confused, for lack of a better definition. It's like I scramble to focus and realize who I am. Everytime that I view it, it seems to always lead backward. I havent viewed any in roughly two weeks, and am trying sincerely to cut it out for good. It's a day by day choice for me. The temptation of it seems to always be there, so its my resolve thats being strengthened, rather than the temptation alleviating all together. Hopefully knowing youre not the only one "struggling" with the concept of it is a help, and strengthens your resolve to make a healthy choice. Also, I notice when I'm lonely, it comes from memory as a "relationship", although its a lie that theirs any substantial happiness in it. When I realized i was substituting a healthy relationship with it, I saw it in a more serious light, and viewed it as something that needs to be cut out completely. With whatever you decide to do, I hope you succeed in finding comfort with the person you are inside, so you dont need to hide from a true relationship. I know thats one of my bigger things to, feeling secure enough in myself to pursue a healthy connection with a real girl, rather than the easier outlet of porn.

Be well man. "

kinghenri

Sorry for the pain man

Weird thing with porn is that it keeps us in a state that denies us the very thing that we are looking for, Intimacy.
I used to watch porn till heaven knows what time in the morning, and I had a beautiful wife in the bedroom down the hall, so all the while I was crying for intimacy, and hey I cant get that through watching porn.
Porn needs to be treated as an addiction, when I stopped drinking I started watching porn, all just numbing out behaviours.
Im still working on the intimacy thing, the wife and I haven't had sex since October last year, so I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm sure as hell hopeing I do.

Heal well
Martin

I did not read the other reply's but I just wanted to add that you are definitely not alone with this.

I have faced this for as long as i can remember and have been struggling with it too and have started to deal with it in Therapy, but it is not an easy topic to discuss, but I am working hard on it.

I know what you mean when you say that Women are Gross. I feel like all sex is dirty and struggle a lot with it, but I think that I am getting better/ more comfortable. BTW, I am 30yrs old now, and have been dealing with this for about 5 yrs.

Good luck, Man.
And, thanks for bringing this up-It is important to discuss, even if it is uncomfortable to talk about.

Feel free to PM me about the subject and I will go into more detail about it.

Sincerely,
Logan

Thanks for sharing, men.

"I need it"

"It fucks with my head"

"its all i have"

"I know thats one of my bigger things to, feeling secure enough in myself to pursue a healthy connection with a real girl, rather than the easier outlet of porn. "

Porn and acting out sexually STOPPED me from healthy sexuality.
Congrats Tyler on two weeks of abstaining from it: that's the only thing that drove me to feel sexual and male that was free from frustration and shame and so many re-creatings of the abuse.

I had to make way for MY sexuality that was waiting, deep down, for me all these years. My body has a lot of wisdom once I get my thinking out of the way and just experience life without using the outlet of fantasy or porn.

I really applaud any man willing to put his compulsive pursuits aside and just feel the pain, awkwardness, and stronger sense of self.

Just try it and see what results you get-it may be one of the hardest things you do for yourself, but you already know what results you get from having a relationship with porn and fantasy.

I know what you mean about feeling a need and disgust towards it at the same time. I'm single and don't plan on doing anything about that any time soon, so it's my only outlet for now. There's nothing wrong with porn as long as you don't let yourself forget that it's fantasy. I usually watch it two or three times a week. But if you allow yourself to be objective about porn it really is gross.

I echo Mountainous Buck's sentiments 100 percent.
Porn is insidious and cunning ... and a lie.
Porn will prevent any beginning of growth or maturity or recovery.
Porn is lighter fluid to our already precarious and fragile situations.
Porn renders us blind and crippled.
I've finally learned that at age 49.
Sobriety from porn and acting out is the only way and hope for a healthy life.

I know how you feel kinghenri. It attracts me like almost nothing else does, but it also cripples me and has lead to nothing but pain and heartache.

I echo what EvanCan said.

Hello Henri,

If you believe that porn is not good for you then i applaud your resolve to cut it out of your life. If you believe that it is not a bad thing for you, then i understand your desire to watch it.

I believe that for the most part it isn't a bad thing, but that it can be. Everyone has to decide for themselves.

I think because we who have been through CSA get confused by porn or anything sexual for that matter,we need to be careful with it. My T wanted me to watch it to get my head around the normal and beautiful thing sex should be. I have sexual anorexia and anything sexual is scary for me. So it made sense that it might help desensitize my mind about it.

I don't know if it helped, but it didn't seem to hurt me. I dont feel a need to watch it all the time or use it to replace a real relationship. But getting into a real relationship is scary.

The point i am making is that each person has to decide what is best for them self. I know you will do what is right for you man. Keep on moving forward Henri, you are moving in a good direction. Listen to your own heart and soul in this matter. (Just commenting on my point of view, not trying to teach anything.)

Take care bro.

peace

paul

Thank you Evan. I needed to read your reply in this moment. It's not easy to keep pushing through. I feel that ultimately what not numbing out is going to lead me to is pain.

The pain of isolation. Pain of putting myself in isolation because i couldnt deal with everyone looking at me, caringly most of the time, and I had to re-affirm my un-worthiness by shooting the relationship or friendship in the head. The feeling of un-worthiness is a mis-conception on my part. One that I will need ample time to re-configure.

The pain is a good thing. It means I'm caring that I'm alone now. It means I'm wanting to change that. After coming through this emotional pain, the pain I never truly allowed myself to feel before, I'll not only have a better understanding of my strengths, but will view myself worthy as I am not using the old weak ways to keep numb.

Yes it's un-fair. No I didnt cause it. Yes. I deserve to be in the light again. -Proving that last part to myself is what it's all about.

Be well everyone.

I'm in a sexaholics 12-step group to stay sober from porn and acting out.
I have Covenant Eyes accountability software on my computer. Feel free to PM if you want to know about either of these.
They will save your life.

Porn can be an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. I find that I was watching it and "collecting" it not because it turned me on, but was a way to have my own secret life. I was recreating this hidden part of me away from my loved ones just like it was with the abuse. Yes, it can be exciting and there is a physical pleasure/release to it, but it was mostly mental. I was in denial for a long time, thinking that all guys watch porn. But what made me realize I had a problem was when I consumed porn despite my fiance's (now wife) objections, which almost led to us not getting married. For me, my porn addiction was definitely related to my CSA and not dealing with it.

I hope those who do have problems with porn can find the help they need and commend those who have dealt with it. There is a book out there called "the Porn trap" which I recommend.

Andre

Hey Andre. Here's hoping you made it another day without falling into that age-old trap. Be well man"

This is a great post and topic with responses across the map of human sexuality.

What do you need henry? The porn, sex, the orgasm?

Porn is not the issue tho, its the feelings in ur head that take you away from human contact. Its an addiction if it's something you ritualize and affects your life by loosing your perspective about. Thats when porn or any addiction is a compulsion that you are not able to manage yourself. But its not the porn itself.

This all or nothing approach is something the wonderful jewish pragmatic group leader helped us see we survivors tend to do, we see only one exit from the highway. The glass IS both half full AND half empty. Putting a block on your pc or saying you have to quit forever is giving up. Its great in the short term if the porn and masterbation is fucking up your life. When i went to the SAA meeting there was a guy who masterbated for hours a day, now he goes to meetings every night instead and talks about the masterbation. Is he really ahead? YOu can have the block but what if you go to ur buddies and he doesnt, you know your going to obsess about it.

Not adressing WHY you have the compulsion with porn or thinking sex is gross or dirty , that's the issue - not the actors b4 the camera or not your date. Ask yourself why you think its wrong or gross. We are sexual beings, its good and normal and the benefit for the price we pay of being mortal and knowing we are all going to die.

I had to quit sex for 3 months , I saw a sex addictions nurse/therapist, did the 12 step thing, but then I realized this process was supposed to go on forever. Wtf? I had to understand that the CSA caused my nervous system to be so screwed up that any upset, any normal thing that did not turn out my way was met with me wanting to numb the pain with sex. To be sure its a learning process but its about growth not creating another crazy pattern. She helped me understand that:
o I had understand what permission statement/
rationalization -I gave myself to somehow say it was ok.
o I had to unfreeze the emotions of little boy, who would
just go to protect and shut down mode from pure fear
o Get a grip on understanding that I was not an all or none
being. I had to realize that I could have control.
o I had to stop any other addictions cuz they are all stem
from the same fucking ugly medusa head.

So you can keep cutting of the heads but if you don't turn the head to stone more keep growing. In our life that is reflected as addiction, isolation, negative self talk, crippling procrastination, self harm like cutting, triggering by an alpha male where we turn to jelly fish, truly being found out for the useless pieces of perverted fucks that we are, if anyone really knew how black and dead our soul was they would hate us forever. All this and so much more. All this is the bullshit that is not who we are but what the CSA has laid in our laps.

She helped me see that a kid wants so desparately to belong, to be a part of the tribe, be be seen in the eyes of those adults we love or care for us. But when that relationship is fucked up NOT because of us, well that kids mind can only possibly say "It must be my fault". "cant be the adult cuz they know the world that is so scary - i just want to feel safe.". So the pattern of us taking on the fault, guilt and shame begins to be entrenched. "It has to be us!" How else is a kid supposed to fucking feel.

Its scary cuz its about emotions that we have kept hidden and secret that are easier to avoid. You have doubts henry, so does every man. This difference is that they see that it's just human foibles, where we see it as we are damaged or less than. We are not. It takes all of us to help all of us see that. Ya we are injured but wounds can heal with proper care and attention. Letting things fester by avoiding them or just a bandaid approach will keep that wound raw and oozing without ever forming a scar. And as Harrison Ford would undoubtedly confirm - scars are sexy.

I know I can go on too much, but this is really important. Henry you are a man who has nothing to feel shame about for "needing it" , we all do. Your just a dude.

cheers grant

This is a great, GREAT post Grant.
I wish that every man on this site would read this post at least three times a day - including me.
THANK YOU for writing every single word.
Great stuff, bro. Great helpful, healing stuff. Yes!

Wow, I agree! Phenomenal post there, Grant! Astounding insights!

I really appreciate that Evancan and EGL. That is very kind of you.

Henry, your remarkably vulnerable honesty is the key and it is that kind of openess and willingness to be so frank and forthright is what helps all of us. Your other posts and videos you produced tell all of us we don't have to hold back and I think that's where the true healing begins.

We survivors do have to "fight tooth and nail" for what others just take for granted. Maybe that's what makes us so hard on ourselves but maybe that's what helps us appreciate the small victories so much more.

I look forward to news of your victories bro. You're puting yourself out there and that in of itself is a victory no matter the outcome. Thanks again Henry.

Grant

Grant thanks for the new outlook on porn. I never could understand how my wife is OK with me using porn to fight depression. She had major reservations about me giving it up. I guess if you look at the big picture then I could be doing things that are alot worse then porn to get me through. Thanks Mike

I just wanted to keep this great stuff "alive" in the thread.
Finally learning that my little boy's fear led me to "flee" to the safety of some type of numbing medicine (porn) was key for me. Learning to undo that fear-to-flight-to-drug was (is) a long learning process. But it is so worth it.

The way I see porn and yes I have an on and off again issue.

Porn is not real at all it creates one dimensional partners and roles for the pure physical/biological act of sex. Porn lets most of use re-enact abuse be be in control not the victim.
Real love and sex from love requires us to be so vulnerable that we as victims can not do easily we have had our trust destroyed.

I like that FA. I get so frustrated at my weakness but it is just me trying to work through a bad scene Thanks Mike

I support what grant has said, in that finding balance with the porn, and not letting it becmoe an all consuming focus is the true battle. I had'nt viewed any in around 3 weeks, and for whatever purpose, I felt compelled after those three weeks to view again. This viewing took place friday night, and afterward, I did'nt feel negatively about viewing it. It has become just another thing out there. I do believe I've used it in the past out of laziness, for lack of a better word. Laziness and fear. Fear of pushing through the wall I have built to not feel the shame. Shame of any mistake Ive made in my past, really. Whether a particular shame is inspired by the abuse takes more introspective thought on my part in that individual emotion.

I again want to point out I didnt feel bad or lost after the viewing. The lead up to viewing felt like I was stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, so maybe I individually feel it is wrong from programming by a parent of other individual. I think my personal opinion about it is, it's just another thing out there. Indifference. I don't feel its particularly positve in the way of recovery, but don't feel in small doses over weeks at a time that it's hurt me in moving forward. <Again, mirroring the balance needed to be in control of the use of porn, as grant so intelligibly put it.

Only from one survivors opinion as per the experiences I've had to this point, the one viewing after weeks of abstinence has not been the emotional catastrophe I assumed it would be. Feeling in control of it is much more productive than hiding from it all together. Having control to have only viewed once, and not continued to use since due to compulsion or weakness, and instead having taken an honest look at my feelings and deciding from them, I feel better in control to make a strong decision in the future in any arena. Carrying the strength from this experience in self examination, and having carried on in a way I find acceptable. Contentment on my own terms. Is that what recovery is all about ? lol.

Be well "

Tyler THAT is the total nail on the head we fight tooth and nail for. The honest look at the feelings and balancing it all out and THEN making a decision based on that. That's what I learned was the key to getting out of the crazy. When my brain was stuck in the victim pattern, I would just react without thinking. There might have been a twinge of guilt but the need to "act out" was so much greater I just felt like I had no choice.

Now I know what it is i want to do and where i NEVER want to go again. My decision is based on thinking first not rationalizing after when the shame for "acting out" is ramped up. "Why did I do that?" so that intense feeling of guilt and shame just became a viscious cycle that felt like a toilet swirling down. Each little victory in the quest for control gaves us more ammunition for next time.

Now I just stand above it and flush those thoughts. They are just fade into the background now, I don't even know if they are there sometimes. They are part of the story and always will be, but they don't have to affect and taint every other story.

I set my boundaries, know what I want and don't want and just try to experience new things as they are, without judgement. I want sex to be about connection, intimacy and real emotion and that is what I will work towards. But porn is just something that can be recreational if its just the occassional thing. Hell, my T said its even ok, said its the context not the content. The myans had stone carvings, the incas erotic goldworks, the greeks - statuary and the romans frescoes. We all enjoy the viewing of things sexual, it part of our nature.

I feel viewing porn again has opened up a bad bit of emotion again. I felt exactly how i said i did in the post prior to this, and now, am feeling like it was a mistake to view it.

I havent viewed since the first time mentioned previously. I havent skidded into a full blown porn fest or anything, so not to alarm anyone. lol.

For me, I feel it's wrong in my heart of hearts. To view someone else in a sexual act is very enticing, and very much enjoyed, but I dont feel it is correct for the person I want to become. I find it more of a constant temptation when I've allowed it to become a possibility at all, versus something I take a stance against. This all or nothing type thinking seems fitting. I imagine it can be viewed that way, that im thinking all or nothing, but thats not it. I genuinely feel its negative for my spirit. Not to say I didnt enjoy what i watched, im male , and ofcourse I did. The crackhead enjoys that first hit as well, but doe that enjoyment make it ok for him long-term ? Potent metaphor, bit cartoonish, but thats what comes to mind. Honestly this is more complex than I had thought. I find right and wrong at the core of it. Lasciviousness, lust. Two ideas I find as explanations of the actions of my perps. Do I not experience these two feelings when viewing porn. On some level, all be it mental, my feelings can be characterized as lustful, same explanation that can be tagged to perps. Having that in common, is enough to wanna push away from an action I find more damaging than good.

Porn was used in my grooming, so to say thats maybe where this conflict arises is possible. I do also believe porn involves a spiritual aspect, and viewing it weakens my overall resolve and strength.

I'm lucky to live in a world where I can speak on these things at all. That I can expect someone to read it, and listen.

Thanks for listening guys."

thanks for that TYler, it was very insightful

Today, and lately, I don't feel it's wrong.

I use it.


Possible tool to grow.

Possible I over think it. /- I do. I find the answer I came to earlier. Enjoyment with it, then balance to not over do it.

*

Thanks for the new light Gary

I feel the same, tried to swear off porn soo many times. It's an addiction that I cannot quit. I'm terrified of sex for a lot of reasons, one major one would be inexperience. Also terrified of attractive women, great combo huh?

*

Hi King

I have a problem with the porn thing too. I have also tried to justify the use of porn, but truth be told, it is just another reason for me not to feel to remain emotionless.

It IS going to keep you out of finding a health relationship, and when you do find a healthy relationship, it WILL ruin it.

As survivors,IMHO, we have a choice, do I want to get well and function normally and rationally, or do I want to live in this pity party that life has dealt me.

I chose to live healthy and normally, I chose not to live with this survivor mentality for the rest of my life, I chose to no longer be a victim to my past.

In this healthy new me, Porn has no place. Its tough, true, but there is no justifying the use of porn, it will ruin an already strained relationship, and My life.

Hope this helps Brother.
Heal well
Martin

Getting horny and wanting sex is part of life. Don't take porn seriously and it'll work out. If you're religious and feel guilty, 60% of you fellow church members are 'addicted' (define that) themselves. It's not the end of the world. If you think so, did the world end? If porn is ruling your life, what are you missing in reality? I dunno. Sex maybe? Adventure? It's boring as hell? new stuff? Fantasy? No partner? Your partner doesn't satisfy you sexually? Lots of sexless marriages out there. If it's a once a month or a few times (or none) a year thing and your partner is looking at porn, can it really be your partially your fault? Can't bitch to much if you dissolved that part of your marriage, right? Reality will probably never live up to porn. It just won't. But, a great sex life in a marriage will make porn irrelevant. You can't have a great sex life if you don't experiment and spice it up. If you are religious, umm, I'm pretty sure you are supposed to enjoy it and it's supposed to be fun. CSA can cause hypersexuality too. That doesn't excuse your partner sleeping with everything in your zip code. Perhaps, however, using porn as an outlet (acting out?) rather than him/her screwing everything in your zip code ain't a bad idea. Better yet, watch together and try something new. Some of it is: curiosity. People just want to see something.

Ive found when I go to it that much of what I seek out is a recreation of what happened during the abuse. I just end up regressing and punishing myself. Porn can be useful, sure, we all have urges. But in the end it is a trap. It's not real in any way except for the actors.

Afterwards I've always felt that what I just did was not helping me in any way. I needed to find a replacement for the space porn had taken. It's ends up being an addiction in reality. It's safe because we have total control of what we see and choose to look at. She or he always is there to please us, in any manner we can dream of. They never say no, or stop, or don't tell anyone.

I still have trouble with it, but I recognize that it's a dead end. So hopefully, I'll be able to replace the porn with something real...like a caring relationship...because they are obtainable.

I agree whole heartedly with EvanCan...

Chris