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#383495 - 01/26/12 02:46 AM Re: pornography [Re: 1lifenow]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Grant thanks for the new outlook on porn. I never could understand how my wife is OK with me using porn to fight depression. She had major reservations about me giving it up. I guess if you look at the big picture then I could be doing things that are alot worse then porn to get me through. Thanks Mike


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#383503 - 01/26/12 07:01 AM Re: pornography [Re: 1lifenow]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Its an addiction if it's something you ritualize and affects your life by loosing your perspective about. Thats when porn or any addiction is a compulsion that you are not able to manage yourself.

Not adressing WHY you have the compulsion with porn or thinking sex is gross or dirty , that's the issue -

I had to understand that the CSA caused my nervous system to be so screwed up that any upset, any normal thing that did not turn out my way was met with me wanting to numb the pain with sex. To be sure its a learning process but its about growth not creating another crazy pattern. She helped me understand that:
o I had understand what permission statement/
rationalization -I gave myself to somehow say it was ok.
o I had to unfreeze the emotions of little boy, who would
just go to protect and shut down mode from pure fear
o Get a grip on understanding that I was not an all or none
being. I had to realize that I could have control.
o I had to stop any other addictions cuz they are all stem
from the same fucking ugly medusa head.



I just wanted to keep this great stuff "alive" in the thread.
Finally learning that my little boy's fear led me to "flee" to the safety of some type of numbing medicine (porn) was key for me. Learning to undo that fear-to-flight-to-drug was (is) a long learning process. But it is so worth it.




Edited by EvanCan (01/26/12 07:01 AM)
Edit Reason: typo
_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#383736 - 01/28/12 06:17 PM Re: pornography [Re: EvanCan]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
The way I see porn and yes I have an on and off again issue.

Porn is not real at all it creates one dimensional partners and roles for the pure physical/biological act of sex. Porn lets most of use re-enact abuse be be in control not the victim.
Real love and sex from love requires us to be so vulnerable that we as victims can not do easily we have had our trust destroyed.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#383769 - 01/29/12 04:07 AM Re: pornography [Re: F.A.]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I like that FA. I get so frustrated at my weakness but it is just me trying to work through a bad scene Thanks Mike


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#383792 - 01/29/12 05:19 PM Re: pornography [Re: mike13]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: mike13
I like that FA. I get so frustrated at my weakness but it is just me trying to work through a bad scene Thanks Mike
Mike we are all trying to find out solid ground that fact that you know something is not working is a big step to doing that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us it helps us all heal.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#383798 - 01/29/12 06:17 PM Re: pornography [Re: F.A.]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
I support what grant has said, in that finding balance with the porn, and not letting it becmoe an all consuming focus is the true battle. I had'nt viewed any in around 3 weeks, and for whatever purpose, I felt compelled after those three weeks to view again. This viewing took place friday night, and afterward, I did'nt feel negatively about viewing it. It has become just another thing out there. I do believe I've used it in the past out of laziness, for lack of a better word. Laziness and fear. Fear of pushing through the wall I have built to not feel the shame. Shame of any mistake Ive made in my past, really. Whether a particular shame is inspired by the abuse takes more introspective thought on my part in that individual emotion.

I again want to point out I didnt feel bad or lost after the viewing. The lead up to viewing felt like I was stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, so maybe I individually feel it is wrong from programming by a parent of other individual. I think my personal opinion about it is, it's just another thing out there. Indifference. I don't feel its particularly positve in the way of recovery, but don't feel in small doses over weeks at a time that it's hurt me in moving forward. <Again, mirroring the balance needed to be in control of the use of porn, as grant so intelligibly put it.

Only from one survivors opinion as per the experiences I've had to this point, the one viewing after weeks of abstinence has not been the emotional catastrophe I assumed it would be. Feeling in control of it is much more productive than hiding from it all together. Having control to have only viewed once, and not continued to use since due to compulsion or weakness, and instead having taken an honest look at my feelings and deciding from them, I feel better in control to make a strong decision in the future in any arena. Carrying the strength from this experience in self examination, and having carried on in a way I find acceptable. Contentment on my own terms. Is that what recovery is all about ? lol. smile

Be well "





Edited by Tyler845 (01/29/12 06:22 PM)
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#383805 - 01/29/12 07:57 PM Re: pornography [Re: Tyler845]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Tyler845
instead having taken an honest look at my feelings and deciding from them, I feel better in control to make a strong decision in the future in any arena. Carrying the strength from this experience in self examination, and having carried on in a way I find acceptable. Contentment on my own terms. Is that what recovery is all about ? lol. smile

Be well "



Tyler THAT is the total nail on the head we fight tooth and nail for. The honest look at the feelings and balancing it all out and THEN making a decision based on that. That's what I learned was the key to getting out of the crazy. When my brain was stuck in the victim pattern, I would just react without thinking. There might have been a twinge of guilt but the need to "act out" was so much greater I just felt like I had no choice.

Now I know what it is i want to do and where i NEVER want to go again. My decision is based on thinking first not rationalizing after when the shame for "acting out" is ramped up. "Why did I do that?" so that intense feeling of guilt and shame just became a viscious cycle that felt like a toilet swirling down. Each little victory in the quest for control gaves us more ammunition for next time.

Now I just stand above it and flush those thoughts. They are just fade into the background now, I don't even know if they are there sometimes. They are part of the story and always will be, but they don't have to affect and taint every other story.

I set my boundaries, know what I want and don't want and just try to experience new things as they are, without judgement. I want sex to be about connection, intimacy and real emotion and that is what I will work towards. But porn is just something that can be recreational if its just the occassional thing. Hell, my T said its even ok, said its the context not the content. The myans had stone carvings, the incas erotic goldworks, the greeks - statuary and the romans frescoes. We all enjoy the viewing of things sexual, it part of our nature.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#383829 - 01/30/12 04:33 AM Re: pornography [Re: 1lifenow]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
I feel viewing porn again has opened up a bad bit of emotion again. I felt exactly how i said i did in the post prior to this, and now, am feeling like it was a mistake to view it.

I havent viewed since the first time mentioned previously. I havent skidded into a full blown porn fest or anything, so not to alarm anyone. lol.

For me, I feel it's wrong in my heart of hearts. To view someone else in a sexual act is very enticing, and very much enjoyed, but I dont feel it is correct for the person I want to become. I find it more of a constant temptation when I've allowed it to become a possibility at all, versus something I take a stance against. This all or nothing type thinking seems fitting. I imagine it can be viewed that way, that im thinking all or nothing, but thats not it. I genuinely feel its negative for my spirit. Not to say I didnt enjoy what i watched, im male , and ofcourse I did. The crackhead enjoys that first hit as well, but doe that enjoyment make it ok for him long-term ? Potent metaphor, bit cartoonish, but thats what comes to mind. Honestly this is more complex than I had thought. I find right and wrong at the core of it. Lasciviousness, lust. Two ideas I find as explanations of the actions of my perps. Do I not experience these two feelings when viewing porn. On some level, all be it mental, my feelings can be characterized as lustful, same explanation that can be tagged to perps. Having that in common, is enough to wanna push away from an action I find more damaging than good.

Porn was used in my grooming, so to say thats maybe where this conflict arises is possible. I do also believe porn involves a spiritual aspect, and viewing it weakens my overall resolve and strength.

I'm lucky to live in a world where I can speak on these things at all. That I can expect someone to read it, and listen.

Thanks for listening guys."

_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#383866 - 01/30/12 03:53 PM Re: pornography [Re: Tyler845]
Bradley P Offline


Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 44
Loc: AR
thanks for that TYler, it was very insightful

_________________________
"Life is for living, we all know...but I don't want to live it alone"-Chris Martin (Coldplay)

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#393970 - 04/18/12 10:40 PM Re: pornography [Re: Bradley P]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Today, and lately, I don't feel it's wrong.

I use it.


Possible tool to grow.

Possible I over think it. /- I do. I find the answer I came to earlier. Enjoyment with it, then balance to not over do it.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
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