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#383029 - 01/21/12 02:06 PM Re: pornography [Re: EvanCan]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I know how you feel kinghenri. It attracts me like almost nothing else does, but it also cripples me and has lead to nothing but pain and heartache.

I echo what EvanCan said.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#383042 - 01/21/12 06:40 PM Re: pornography [Re: kinghenri]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hello Henri,

If you believe that porn is not good for you then i applaud your resolve to cut it out of your life. If you believe that it is not a bad thing for you, then i understand your desire to watch it.

I believe that for the most part it isn't a bad thing, but that it can be. Everyone has to decide for themselves.

I think because we who have been through CSA get confused by porn or anything sexual for that matter,we need to be careful with it. My T wanted me to watch it to get my head around the normal and beautiful thing sex should be. I have sexual anorexia and anything sexual is scary for me. So it made sense that it might help desensitize my mind about it.

I don't know if it helped, but it didn't seem to hurt me. I dont feel a need to watch it all the time or use it to replace a real relationship. But getting into a real relationship is scary.

The point i am making is that each person has to decide what is best for them self. I know you will do what is right for you man. Keep on moving forward Henri, you are moving in a good direction. Listen to your own heart and soul in this matter. (Just commenting on my point of view, not trying to teach anything.)

Take care bro.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#383044 - 01/21/12 07:24 PM Re: pornography [Re: EvanCan]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Thank you Evan. I needed to read your reply in this moment. It's not easy to keep pushing through. I feel that ultimately what not numbing out is going to lead me to is pain.

The pain of isolation. Pain of putting myself in isolation because i couldnt deal with everyone looking at me, caringly most of the time, and I had to re-affirm my un-worthiness by shooting the relationship or friendship in the head. The feeling of un-worthiness is a mis-conception on my part. One that I will need ample time to re-configure.

The pain is a good thing. It means I'm caring that I'm alone now. It means I'm wanting to change that. After coming through this emotional pain, the pain I never truly allowed myself to feel before, I'll not only have a better understanding of my strengths, but will view myself worthy as I am not using the old weak ways to keep numb.

Yes it's un-fair. No I didnt cause it. Yes. I deserve to be in the light again. -Proving that last part to myself is what it's all about.

Be well everyone.

_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#383061 - 01/21/12 10:59 PM Re: pornography [Re: Tyler845]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
I'm in a sexaholics 12-step group to stay sober from porn and acting out.
I have Covenant Eyes accountability software on my computer. Feel free to PM if you want to know about either of these.
They will save your life.

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#383062 - 01/21/12 11:01 PM Re: pornography [Re: Tyler845]
Andre808 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 15
Loc: Honolulu, Hawaii
Porn can be an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. I find that I was watching it and "collecting" it not because it turned me on, but was a way to have my own secret life. I was recreating this hidden part of me away from my loved ones just like it was with the abuse. Yes, it can be exciting and there is a physical pleasure/release to it, but it was mostly mental. I was in denial for a long time, thinking that all guys watch porn. But what made me realize I had a problem was when I consumed porn despite my fiance's (now wife) objections, which almost led to us not getting married. For me, my porn addiction was definitely related to my CSA and not dealing with it.

I hope those who do have problems with porn can find the help they need and commend those who have dealt with it. There is a book out there called "the Porn trap" which I recommend.

Andre


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#383409 - 01/25/12 12:54 AM Re: pornography [Re: Andre808]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Hey Andre. Here's hoping you made it another day without falling into that age-old trap. Be well man"

_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#383415 - 01/25/12 03:16 AM Re: pornography [Re: kinghenri]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 411
Loc: west coast
This is a great post and topic with responses across the map of human sexuality.

What do you need henry? The porn, sex, the orgasm?

Porn is not the issue tho, its the feelings in ur head that take you away from human contact. Its an addiction if it's something you ritualize and affects your life by loosing your perspective about. Thats when porn or any addiction is a compulsion that you are not able to manage yourself. But its not the porn itself.

This all or nothing approach is something the wonderful jewish pragmatic group leader helped us see we survivors tend to do, we see only one exit from the highway. The glass IS both half full AND half empty. Putting a block on your pc or saying you have to quit forever is giving up. Its great in the short term if the porn and masterbation is fucking up your life. When i went to the SAA meeting there was a guy who masterbated for hours a day, now he goes to meetings every night instead and talks about the masterbation. Is he really ahead? YOu can have the block but what if you go to ur buddies and he doesnt, you know your going to obsess about it.

Not adressing WHY you have the compulsion with porn or thinking sex is gross or dirty , that's the issue - not the actors b4 the camera or not your date. Ask yourself why you think its wrong or gross. We are sexual beings, its good and normal and the benefit for the price we pay of being mortal and knowing we are all going to die.

I had to quit sex for 3 months , I saw a sex addictions nurse/therapist, did the 12 step thing, but then I realized this process was supposed to go on forever. Wtf? I had to understand that the CSA caused my nervous system to be so screwed up that any upset, any normal thing that did not turn out my way was met with me wanting to numb the pain with sex. To be sure its a learning process but its about growth not creating another crazy pattern. She helped me understand that:
o I had understand what permission statement/
rationalization -I gave myself to somehow say it was ok.
o I had to unfreeze the emotions of little boy, who would
just go to protect and shut down mode from pure fear
o Get a grip on understanding that I was not an all or none
being. I had to realize that I could have control.
o I had to stop any other addictions cuz they are all stem
from the same fucking ugly medusa head.

So you can keep cutting of the heads but if you don't turn the head to stone more keep growing. In our life that is reflected as addiction, isolation, negative self talk, crippling procrastination, self harm like cutting, triggering by an alpha male where we turn to jelly fish, truly being found out for the useless pieces of perverted fucks that we are, if anyone really knew how black and dead our soul was they would hate us forever. All this and so much more. All this is the bullshit that is not who we are but what the CSA has laid in our laps.

She helped me see that a kid wants so desparately to belong, to be a part of the tribe, be be seen in the eyes of those adults we love or care for us. But when that relationship is fucked up NOT because of us, well that kids mind can only possibly say "It must be my fault". "cant be the adult cuz they know the world that is so scary - i just want to feel safe.". So the pattern of us taking on the fault, guilt and shame begins to be entrenched. "It has to be us!" How else is a kid supposed to fucking feel.

Its scary cuz its about emotions that we have kept hidden and secret that are easier to avoid. You have doubts henry, so does every man. This difference is that they see that it's just human foibles, where we see it as we are damaged or less than. We are not. It takes all of us to help all of us see that. Ya we are injured but wounds can heal with proper care and attention. Letting things fester by avoiding them or just a bandaid approach will keep that wound raw and oozing without ever forming a scar. And as Harrison Ford would undoubtedly confirm - scars are sexy.

I know I can go on too much, but this is really important. Henry you are a man who has nothing to feel shame about for "needing it" , we all do. Your just a dude.

cheers grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#383417 - 01/25/12 07:25 AM Re: pornography [Re: 1lifenow]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
This is a great, GREAT post Grant.
I wish that every man on this site would read this post at least three times a day - including me.
THANK YOU for writing every single word.
Great stuff, bro. Great helpful, healing stuff. Yes!

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#383449 - 01/25/12 04:51 PM Re: pornography [Re: EvanCan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: EvanCan
This is a great, GREAT post Grant.
I wish that every man on this site would read this post at least three times a day - including me.
THANK YOU for writing every single word.
Great stuff, bro. Great helpful, healing stuff. Yes!


Wow, I agree! Phenomenal post there, Grant! Astounding insights!

_________________________
Eddie

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#383492 - 01/26/12 02:14 AM Re: pornography [Re: EGL]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 411
Loc: west coast
I really appreciate that Evancan and EGL. That is very kind of you.

Henry, your remarkably vulnerable honesty is the key and it is that kind of openess and willingness to be so frank and forthright is what helps all of us. Your other posts and videos you produced tell all of us we don't have to hold back and I think that's where the true healing begins.

We survivors do have to "fight tooth and nail" for what others just take for granted. Maybe that's what makes us so hard on ourselves but maybe that's what helps us appreciate the small victories so much more.

I look forward to news of your victories bro. You're puting yourself out there and that in of itself is a victory no matter the outcome. Thanks again Henry.

Grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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