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#382627 - 01/17/12 03:08 PM My son
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them.

My middle child who is 8 is the one who concerns me. I don't want to be the mom who misses anything. He spent more time then I would like with my child molesting father in law and even though he was only 4 when my father in law died I am worried.

He definitely seems more sexually suggestive then my older son. Not overly but enough. He won't let me scratch his back at night as if touching bothers him. (weird because all my kids love for me to scratch their backs) I just asked him why he didn't like when I scratched his back and he said because then he would have to scratch mine? I asked had I ever asked him to scratch my back and he said no, but that just the way it works. He lacks self confidence. He does well in school and seems to have friends.

I have asked him 100 times if anyone has ever touched him inappropriately and he said no. He is sick of me asking. A good friend who was abused said no amount of asking would have ever gotten her to talk, so I don't feel like I can trust what he is saying.

If you suspect there is a chance what do you do? My husband is worried too. I am scared. I welcome any advice.


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#382628 - 01/17/12 03:19 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
ugh gretta. i must say i don't like what i read in between the lines of your post.

i too vowed never to tell, at first. that changed when i found out my sister was being molested on an ongoing basis by my own (one time) rapist. so, i told my parents for her sake... otherwise no idea how or if i ever would have.

has your husband asked him?

_________________________
Jeff

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#382634 - 01/17/12 04:31 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 624
Loc: VA
gretta:

Since you've already asked your son many times and he always says No, I wouldn't ask him any more. If anything happened, he'll tell when he's ready and not before. All we can do as parents is make sure our kids know they can safely tell us about any problem at any time.

If anything improper did happen with FIL, your son may not have any clear memories or understanding. (I was all of 6 y.o. when my Bad Stuff happened, and I didn't figure it out till I was 42. I don't remember telling anybody till then!)

John


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#382637 - 01/17/12 05:39 PM Re: My son [Re: unhappycamper]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
I hope and wish nothing has happened to your son. He needs his time,possibly if he speaks to a third party, counselor who someone he is close with he would feel comfortable. Telling a parent is difficult, the shame and words that may have been said to keep the secret. I still have not told my mom who is 85--I could not do it to her--the hurt she would feel and at her age I want her to have peace in these years.

Just be there for him and when he is ready (and I hope there is nothing to tell) he knows he will have your support. I know you will be there--you have been so unselfishly supportive of so many





Edited by KMCINVA (01/17/12 05:53 PM)

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#382640 - 01/17/12 07:01 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them....


Gretta,

I thought my ex-wife and others would think the same thing as you did. I am glad you discovered your children were not hurt.

I never told my dad even on the day he died that my mom and 3 males had abused me. I admit I was not as close to him as you seem to be of your children.

Above is written some great advice for which I say ditto.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#382642 - 01/17/12 07:16 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((Gretta)))-

What a terrible place you are in!

I wonder if an 8-year-old doesn't understand what you mean when you ask if anyone's done anything to him? Do you think explaining to him some of what his father is dealing with because of what happened to him, would help him understand what information you are looking for?

As a mom myself, I know you sure as heck don't want to plant things as horrid as sexually deviant acts in your child's mind, but maybe he could better articulate if you explain a sexually deviant act on a child?

Might he benefit from his father talking to him about his abuse at his father's hands? Would that make your son feel safer, less alone, less unique?

I don't know that a counselor would get your son to talk, but surely getting a counselor's direction for you and your husband in handling this might be valuable?

Tough, TOUGH situation for any mom, Gretta! My heart bleeds for you.

Sending love and prayers-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#382643 - 01/17/12 07:34 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Avery46
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them....


Gretta,

I thought my ex-wife and others would think the same thing as you did so I never told of my CSA. I am glad you discovered your children were not hurt.

I never told my dad even on the day he died that my mom and 3 males had abused me. I admit I was not as close to him as you seem to be of your children.

I am not sure an 8 yr old would be able to tell you about such sexual acts. Maybe in a few years he would be able to communicate such acts. In the meantime, monitor his activity/behavior.

My heart goes out to you. I am so glad to hear a mom really cares about her children. Several survivors for whom I have met had mothers who did NOT protect or even care about their children.

Again my heart goes out to you.

Peace,
Avery


Oops, I thought I was editing my first statement.



Edited by Avery46 (01/17/12 07:36 PM)
Edit Reason: oops statement
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#382647 - 01/17/12 08:47 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Gretta:

My wife is a therapist and she works with kids. Sometimes, she uses play therapy to help them express what they can't express in words. I hope your son was not abused and I really don't know how you should proceed.

Maybe your husband talking to him would be good, but I wonder if it would not be a better idea to talk with a therapist who works with kids first. God bless you, you are a good mom.

Jim

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#382658 - 01/17/12 10:50 PM Re: My son [Re: Jim1104]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I have thought about my husband talking to him and I will definitely consult a therapist before doing so. He is so young and curious. He would ask so many questions. Thanks for your suggestions I just don't want him to bury, and spend half his life thinking there is something wrong with him because he's amazingly witty, funny and smart.

I am definitely keeping an eye on him.


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#382668 - 01/18/12 12:49 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gretta

There are so many good suggestions in this post. I am of the opinion that you should respect his wishes and stop asking him, or he may get irritated with you.
The next best thing is to tell him that he can tell you anything, he can talk to you, and that you will never never be angry with him. (The trick is then to do what you said, never be angry)
I would also look at a couple of other options.
1) Ask your husband to talk to him and the story goes along the lines of,Son, when I was your age, my father used to do xxxxx, and I am concerned that the same might have happened to you. I never told anyone, and it ended up really hurting me in later life, Please don't make the same mistakes that I made etc etc etc.

2) Go to an art or play therapist, depending on his inclination, is he artistic or is he a real playful boy?

It always intrigues me how people say that you cannot say certain things to your child, and this as opposed to the alternative, I would rather offend the child and ensure their safety than spare their and my feelings and have them harmed.

I wish you all the best in your challenge.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382686 - 01/18/12 07:51 AM Re: My son [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Martin,
He is both artist and playful. There is a pit at the bottom of my stomach thinking that this is a possibility.
Thanks


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#382691 - 01/18/12 08:57 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Gretta I feel for you guys.

I know you do appreciate men abused as kids can and do become great if not hyper-vigilant dad's. Ask our 3 teenagers and they will tell you. So kudo's to you & your husband most of all.

Second, I think only a pro will help here. Maybe it is your son and his dad going to the T together.

My main point is that this hits home for me. My wife is a survivor and her perp Dad hurt our nephew (an incredible young man I consider as our 4th kid). At 8 he was really acting out, but never as you describe in your son.

He lit fires, had gut issues, got into fights, was drinking by 12 and had his first arrest by then too. There are many ways it shows sadly. He doesn't know of my own abuse at the hands of a clergyman, but disclosed to me last year and he's going to make it in recovery. No way he does not.

Like you, the toughest thing I ever did was asking our own kids if that piece of shit Grandpa ever did anything wrong. I don't think so galdly.

Good loving parents make all the difference....sounds like your 3 kids know that already.

So get the support you all need, but hey, sometimes funny witty, clever kids are just that too! Here is hoping he just a real cool middle kid!

PM if it helps. Like you I married into an incest family and its a handful at times. But my wife and I really count our blessings too!

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#382702 - 01/18/12 10:16 AM Re: My son [Re: kb8715]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I've held off because my bluntness isn't always appreciated.

I think, you must consult a trained T in these issues...I dont think a disclosure on your husbands part or continued asking is the way to go at all.

I think a good idea is to try and make him feel safe and you believe and hear what he says and not so exciteable...I know as a father how hard that is, and can be...besides feeling like we can talk to people, we have a need to be believed and heard. This is not to say that you dont believe him, but you have to work through his understanding,fears, issues and he just may not have the right memories or understanding to go along with the rewiring his brain went through if he was abused. just .02.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#382747 - 01/18/12 07:32 PM Re: My son [Re: Castle]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I appreciate everyone's input. One thing I do with my children each night is ask them what was there high and low was for the day. They sing like canaries. First of all they have my undivided attention and if something good or bad happened to them that day they usually spill the beans. I gotten more out of them that way then ever asking them directly about their day.

My husband asked his therapist today about my son and he doesn't seem to think the primary signs are there but I am not stopping there. I am going to consult someone who deals primarily with children. They can always take a some time with him.

staying calm I agree is the most important and I will build the trust with him that I will believe him. Thanks again for the input.


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#383005 - 01/21/12 12:54 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
skingraph Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 39
Gretta,that one phrase bothers me alot in your previous post,He lacks self confidence. He does well in school and seems to have friends.

He lacks self confidence.Subconsciously why even bother,at ten years old thats how I felt,but when it came to physical confrotation even if somebody touched me,as in like my older brother that was 2years older than me,I nearly choked him to death.really!

He does well in school.That part well is always easy to explain,when you got decent food on your plate,cloths,toys,etc.Dont want the parents to get mad if you screw up in school,fear is really controlling.

Seems to have friends.Well I knew alot of people in school or outside of school.Never really friends with any of them.Though I have like one true friend,that i went to school with,never talked to him in school,I knew his name.Only became true friends after graduation.

Your son Gretta,maybe fine,or may not.All I can say to you is,when young kids experience bad things,they tend to lock them away for a long time,in very bad a way,that screws up their lives,though somethings will never change that and make it pure.


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#383054 - 01/21/12 09:38 PM Re: My son [Re: skingraph]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Gretta,

I kept my abuse hidden for over 40 years before I disclosed. When I told my siblings, they weren't at all surprised; they "just" knew that something wasn't right with me but not what. They were actually keeping an eye on me to make sure I was OK.

Here are a very few of possible indications of abuse. Did you see any sudden changes in his behavior - bed wetting when he was toilet trained, not wanting to see his granddad all of a sudden, sudden anger tantrums, etc? There is lots of info on the net if you want to do more research. Just google child sexual abuse and you'll get 100's of hits.

Too much attention can be just as bad as, if not worse than no attention. Like somebody else said - DO NOT keep pestering him; you'll just turn him off, possibly delay his disclosure and he may not even talk to you about it when he does disclose his abuse IF he was in fact abused.

I would just tell him that if he ever wants to talk to you about ANYTHING at all, you would be more than happy to talk to him at any time and leave it at that.

Best of luck with your kid and hopefully he was never abused!!!

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#383363 - 01/24/12 03:01 PM Re: My son [Re: Sailor John]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I have totally laid off asking him and I am just trying to spend one on one time with him. He's a quirky little kid and his mind works in a completely different way then the rest of my family. Which makes him a jewel. In talking to both our therapist they don't think he shows the main signs but I will always keep an eye out.

We had a kid in our town commit suicide and it opened up the dinner table for the the discussion that nothing is so bad that they can't talk to us. We are their parents and we love them unconditionally.

I appreciate everyone's input and for the time being I am going to let it rest.


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#383461 - 01/25/12 07:48 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Excellent! You're a great mother, Gretta!!!

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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