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#382627 - 01/17/12 03:08 PM My son
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them.

My middle child who is 8 is the one who concerns me. I don't want to be the mom who misses anything. He spent more time then I would like with my child molesting father in law and even though he was only 4 when my father in law died I am worried.

He definitely seems more sexually suggestive then my older son. Not overly but enough. He won't let me scratch his back at night as if touching bothers him. (weird because all my kids love for me to scratch their backs) I just asked him why he didn't like when I scratched his back and he said because then he would have to scratch mine? I asked had I ever asked him to scratch my back and he said no, but that just the way it works. He lacks self confidence. He does well in school and seems to have friends.

I have asked him 100 times if anyone has ever touched him inappropriately and he said no. He is sick of me asking. A good friend who was abused said no amount of asking would have ever gotten her to talk, so I don't feel like I can trust what he is saying.

If you suspect there is a chance what do you do? My husband is worried too. I am scared. I welcome any advice.


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#382628 - 01/17/12 03:19 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
ugh gretta. i must say i don't like what i read in between the lines of your post.

i too vowed never to tell, at first. that changed when i found out my sister was being molested on an ongoing basis by my own (one time) rapist. so, i told my parents for her sake... otherwise no idea how or if i ever would have.

has your husband asked him?

_________________________
Jeff

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#382634 - 01/17/12 04:31 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 623
Loc: VA
gretta:

Since you've already asked your son many times and he always says No, I wouldn't ask him any more. If anything happened, he'll tell when he's ready and not before. All we can do as parents is make sure our kids know they can safely tell us about any problem at any time.

If anything improper did happen with FIL, your son may not have any clear memories or understanding. (I was all of 6 y.o. when my Bad Stuff happened, and I didn't figure it out till I was 42. I don't remember telling anybody till then!)

John


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#382637 - 01/17/12 05:39 PM Re: My son [Re: unhappycamper]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1780
I hope and wish nothing has happened to your son. He needs his time,possibly if he speaks to a third party, counselor who someone he is close with he would feel comfortable. Telling a parent is difficult, the shame and words that may have been said to keep the secret. I still have not told my mom who is 85--I could not do it to her--the hurt she would feel and at her age I want her to have peace in these years.

Just be there for him and when he is ready (and I hope there is nothing to tell) he knows he will have your support. I know you will be there--you have been so unselfishly supportive of so many





Edited by KMCINVA (01/17/12 05:53 PM)

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#382640 - 01/17/12 07:01 PM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them....


Gretta,

I thought my ex-wife and others would think the same thing as you did. I am glad you discovered your children were not hurt.

I never told my dad even on the day he died that my mom and 3 males had abused me. I admit I was not as close to him as you seem to be of your children.

Above is written some great advice for which I say ditto.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#382642 - 01/17/12 07:16 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((Gretta)))-

What a terrible place you are in!

I wonder if an 8-year-old doesn't understand what you mean when you ask if anyone's done anything to him? Do you think explaining to him some of what his father is dealing with because of what happened to him, would help him understand what information you are looking for?

As a mom myself, I know you sure as heck don't want to plant things as horrid as sexually deviant acts in your child's mind, but maybe he could better articulate if you explain a sexually deviant act on a child?

Might he benefit from his father talking to him about his abuse at his father's hands? Would that make your son feel safer, less alone, less unique?

I don't know that a counselor would get your son to talk, but surely getting a counselor's direction for you and your husband in handling this might be valuable?

Tough, TOUGH situation for any mom, Gretta! My heart bleeds for you.

Sending love and prayers-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#382643 - 01/17/12 07:34 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Avery46
Originally Posted By: Gretta
Since finding out about my husband's CSA I have gone through a range of emotions in relationship to my children. My first thought was for their safety but after meeting with his therapist and many conversations with all three of my children I am confident that he never hurt them....


Gretta,

I thought my ex-wife and others would think the same thing as you did so I never told of my CSA. I am glad you discovered your children were not hurt.

I never told my dad even on the day he died that my mom and 3 males had abused me. I admit I was not as close to him as you seem to be of your children.

I am not sure an 8 yr old would be able to tell you about such sexual acts. Maybe in a few years he would be able to communicate such acts. In the meantime, monitor his activity/behavior.

My heart goes out to you. I am so glad to hear a mom really cares about her children. Several survivors for whom I have met had mothers who did NOT protect or even care about their children.

Again my heart goes out to you.

Peace,
Avery


Oops, I thought I was editing my first statement.



Edited by Avery46 (01/17/12 07:36 PM)
Edit Reason: oops statement
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#382647 - 01/17/12 08:47 PM Re: My son [Re: Avery46]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Gretta:

My wife is a therapist and she works with kids. Sometimes, she uses play therapy to help them express what they can't express in words. I hope your son was not abused and I really don't know how you should proceed.

Maybe your husband talking to him would be good, but I wonder if it would not be a better idea to talk with a therapist who works with kids first. God bless you, you are a good mom.

Jim

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#382658 - 01/17/12 10:50 PM Re: My son [Re: Jim1104]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I have thought about my husband talking to him and I will definitely consult a therapist before doing so. He is so young and curious. He would ask so many questions. Thanks for your suggestions I just don't want him to bury, and spend half his life thinking there is something wrong with him because he's amazingly witty, funny and smart.

I am definitely keeping an eye on him.


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#382668 - 01/18/12 12:49 AM Re: My son [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gretta

There are so many good suggestions in this post. I am of the opinion that you should respect his wishes and stop asking him, or he may get irritated with you.
The next best thing is to tell him that he can tell you anything, he can talk to you, and that you will never never be angry with him. (The trick is then to do what you said, never be angry)
I would also look at a couple of other options.
1) Ask your husband to talk to him and the story goes along the lines of,Son, when I was your age, my father used to do xxxxx, and I am concerned that the same might have happened to you. I never told anyone, and it ended up really hurting me in later life, Please don't make the same mistakes that I made etc etc etc.

2) Go to an art or play therapist, depending on his inclination, is he artistic or is he a real playful boy?

It always intrigues me how people say that you cannot say certain things to your child, and this as opposed to the alternative, I would rather offend the child and ensure their safety than spare their and my feelings and have them harmed.

I wish you all the best in your challenge.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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