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#382428 - 01/15/12 03:43 AM It's all SOUP
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Trying to deal with emotions – it’s tough. Old saying – “When the going gets tough…” MY way of completing it: “the tough shut down.” For decades that’s what I did to cope. A scary emotion threatens to loom on the horizon… QUICK! Go into denial mode. That way you can keep functioning. Don’t let it raise its ugly head and you won’t have to deal with it. Ignore it and move on.

NEWS FLASH: It doesn’t work forever. Somehow I forgot the trick to make it keep going.

NOW – the emotions are boiling around inside but I don’t know what to do with them. Hell, I don’t even know what they are. It’s all just a big pot of scalding hot soup – lots of ingredients - but difficult to identify any of them on the surface. I know it is “emotions,” but I have a hard time identifying any individual one that pops up at any given time. Someone asks me how I’m feeling and I don’t know – just emotional – just SOUP! I dip in a spoon and bring up a chunk of something. What is it? A slice of carrot, a cube of potato, a bite of meat? Looks like - smells like - maybe even tastes like - emotional alternative A, B, or C. But I have to analyze it and consider it and make a decision about it before I know what emotion it is. NOT that I FEEL it or KNOW intuitively or automatically what it is. Before I get around to name it, it’s just part of the boiling soup.

And sometimes recently I get my wires crossed. Like a couple days ago when I started laughing about some silly thing I read - and suddenly I’m sobbing – and not because it was that funny. Just because I pulled a cork out and more than one ingredient of the soup came spilling out. That never used to happen. I had too much control. Am I losing it? Am I having a breakdown? Am I going nuts?

Sometimes in the past couple weeks I can feel the pressure start to build in my head or gut. My heart starts pounding and my face gets red and my scalp tingles and my stomach knots up and I know there’s something more than these physical sensations that I SHOULD be feeling. Some EMOTION. But it’s like a firecracker that’s been lit and fizzles out – or a tea kettle that is simmering but won’t boil enough to whistle – or getting a really hard erection but not being able to ejaculate!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!! Afraid to keep holding it in and afraid of letting go…. Hey, FEAR is an emotion, isn’t it? And so is FRUSTRATION! Maybe I AM feeling something after all… What I am mostly feeling is very, very TIRED. But I know that is not an emotion.

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#382429 - 01/15/12 04:20 AM Re: It's all SOUP [Re: traveler]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
It is soup! What a perfect analogy. And the hotter it is, the more it is roiling, the harder it is to identify the ingredients. So I keep it tepid, luke-warm. At a temp "normal" people find hard to stomach. But it's the only way I can sort of make sense of it.


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#383083 - 01/22/12 09:40 AM Re: It's all SOUP [Re: cris40ky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
I actually got ANGRY!!! It was yesterday and I just blew up at my wife. She was mad at me and was accusing me of something and suddenly I was just so tired of always feeling like everything was always my fault. I yelled and then calmed down and let her know how i felt about her criticism and was actually able to put it into words and feel anger and express anger - not stuff it or deny it or swallow it or pretend it wasn't there. I didn't get violent, but i did slam some doors and drawers and i'm sure my reaction was out of proportion to the disagreement. I know she was taken aback that for once I stood up for myself instead of just brooding and kicking myself around the block for days. afterwards i actually felt good about myself and she is treating me with more consideration. I see this as a very big step because I've been emotionally constipated for YEARS. Getting a cramp in my shoulder here from patting myself on the back!!! LOL

LEE

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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