Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up - NOT a suicide threat - just a wish not to feel so miserable. That's about the only thing i DO feel. Sometimes i wish i could just go back to the place before I was remembering stuff. i was hurting less then. Now the pandora's box has been opened and I can't stuff all the bad things back inside. Gotta go forward to get out of this. But i feel like Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. A little personal dark cloud of infection, contagion, pollution, corruption, degradation, taint, dirtiness, and guilt surrounds and accompanies me everywhere I go. and I see everything through that murky fog. I used to be able to not think about it or forget it for long periods or just not go there. Now it's in my face ALL THE F-ING TIME!
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago