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#378565 - 12/07/11 12:25 PM A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH....
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Quote:
Gentlemen,

I want to make a statement that, in my opinion, speaks to all of us who come to MS for support.

Suffering is suffering. It does not matter how it occurred or when it occurred.

From my observations CSA/ASA survivors have much in common: feeling humiliated, vulnerable, angry, in pain, to name a few. We also have things not in common. Even with those differences I feel it is important to support one another in our journeys and struggles to cope with and heal from horrible experiences. Sometimes I've noticed CSA survivors not being very nice to ASA survivors in chat. That upsets me. You deserve our support. Support may not constitute "swapping notes". Not one person's experiences here will speak to everyone. It constitutes compassion and caring.

As a CSA survivor I may not have a lot to offer you directly. However, I want you to know I want you to heal as much as I want everyone here to heal. Your survival is as valid and important as my own. I encourage you in your quest for tools and information that will address your suffering in the best way possible. If, in my travels, I find something I think will help you, I will pass it along. I won't be a crasher on your territory. It is your space to share specific ASA challenges that a CSA survivor could not possibly understand. Just the same, I want you to know my heart goes out to you. I do not like anyone to suffer.

Thebo

Thebo makes an excellent point (I hope it is OK if I lifted this from another thread that pertained to a different subject - I think this stands on it's own merits and deserves special focus). It essentially derives from concerns that the ASA forum seems all but abandoned.

When my best friend came to me severely depressed (non-CSA issues) - looking to me for help - I didn't know what to say or do. I was not a therapist and had no answers. But when I thought of it, I actually DID have an answer. I could help him by simply being his friend. By simply standing with him - even if I said nothing. It's true here as well - as we work through these issues, we need the whole team - professionals, friends and family - no one can take the role of the other. Each one is irreplaceable. Ultimately, this is a brotherhood of support. Therapy on the boards is not really a viable option, but MS provides something unique, necessary, and irreplaceable. To many of us, this place is an essential ingredient of our support system. If you share, you are part of that indispensable scaffold.

In that vein, I wholly support Thebo's point. We are here to support each other. Shared experience amplifies that support greatly; the synergy of finding that special "someone" on the board here - and most of us have found one, maybe even two or more - is a truly heightening experience. We have finally made the friends we wish we had back then...

Conversely, those who are left on the sidelines feel shut out at a time when they really need support and friendship. As wonderful as it is to connect, it is sad and difficult not to - and that amplifies all the wrong feelings - the very ones they have come here to try and resolve.

Thebo mentions the rift between CSA and ASA survivors. And I have spoken before of a rift between survivors and family/friends. There remain disconnects at MaleSurvivor, and it's up to us to bridge them.

I consider myself blessed with the wonderful support and comments I have received. The support just pours over me like syrup and it's absolutely sweet and amazing. What is remarkable is that this support comes to me by sharing the same deep dark secrets I would literally have rather died than reveal. I didn't even dare tell my own diary of my embarrassment and shame. Who would have ever thought that sharing them openly in a safe environment would be ultimately so relieving and self-affirming? We should want that for EVERYONE.

I have mentioned before that a buddy-type system may help facilitate those bridges. Perhaps those in need of a friend - or even those who are just new to the site, register in an "adoption clinic" where one of us can pick them up and mentor them for say a three month period (or whatever is appropriate). This way the newer members will have a guaranteed connection where they know someone is watching out for them - someone to perhaps read their story before they post it, or affirm to someone's wife that the road her husband is on is shared by all survivors, or just someone to listen.

Because it is in building bridges to others that we construct bridges within ourselves and reconnect to our own hearts.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#378672 - 12/08/11 10:00 AM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Chase Eric]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
smile


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#378853 - 12/09/11 05:38 PM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Thebo]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
Any other idea on how to propel this issue? Bad idea in general (it wouldn't be the first I've had)?



Edited by Chase Eric (12/09/11 07:54 PM)
Edit Reason: edited for brevity
_________________________



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#378906 - 12/10/11 10:36 AM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Chase Eric]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
I will be honest I am not the most sympathetic to the guys that come in and I am prepared for the fire squad that "suddenly remember" they were abused as a kid in their 20s 30s or whenever. I am not here to sabotage anyones recovery, but repressed memories have ruined a lot of lives and so I would rather say nothing than something not nice. So I tend to be withdrawn and neutral when it comes to that. It is also is discouraging when I seek healing for fresh wounds and the room is filled with guys in their 40s that were wounded as youngsters that cant get things together. I hate to say it but its precisely the opposite of what could help me to find healing strength



Edited by Tyr (01/23/12 09:21 AM)
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#378907 - 12/10/11 10:40 AM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Chase Eric]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
edited due to lack of forum safety



Edited by Tyr (01/10/12 01:48 AM)
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#382137 - 01/11/12 09:57 PM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Chase Eric]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Awesome idea! smile

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#382192 - 01/12/12 12:46 PM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: phoenix321]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I think a bunch of your premise is way off base...but im not looking for, need or have any want for an "argument" on the topic.

Just one little example, is that some CSA guys, relive the abuse very vividly and its not scarred as much as its real to them today as it was years ago....they can be in that room in that moment just as real today as it was even 50 years ago.

What I hear a bit too though is the frustration on the effects of asa/csa lasting a lifetime and the work to get through this can last years to a lifetime....and that pisses me off to.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#383217 - 01/23/12 09:16 AM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Castle]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
There is some salience in your words Castle but regardless I don't believe in repressed memories nor will I come to. And whether it's real for a CSA or not, that's for them to work on in their own forums.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#383219 - 01/23/12 09:30 AM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: Tyr]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
I normally do not read this forum. I think one thing that must be looked at is the mind of a child is quite different than that of an adult. A child is forming and developing and lacks maturity and ability to make judgment--thus many laws are in place to protect the minor from entering into contracts, marriage, etc because of their lack of judgment. Trauma to a developing mind is quite different than that of an adult--but both are horrible events. The child needs coping skills to survive, some do not develop and are lost to drugs, alcohol and suicide. How a child buries these memories are different, their capacity to cope and understand are quite different. So both CSA/ASA are victims and I find it concerning that an ASA victim can question how a CSA victim is lost just needs to take a look how a child reacts to pain and traumatic events. Many times the child shuts down, just as the mind of the CSA victim did when experiencing the abuse. I am living it now, I always knew but was able to bury and pretend it did not occur until it became too much. I had intrusive thoughts, nightmares throughout my life with long periods of no intrusive thoughts or nightmares, but the memories were there and I would not allow them out--I had learned to keep them separate from who I was, but they did impact my life.



Edited by KMCINVA (01/23/12 09:44 AM)

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#383360 - 01/24/12 02:32 PM Re: A Mesage to CSA and ASA Survivors BOTH.... [Re: KMCINVA]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
The problem, as I see it, we've divided ourselves into 2 groups: CSA and ASA. We should just be men living and healing from the abuse dealt us. I certainly don't fit into either party, do I? I just want to belong to a community of men surviving.

Agree with me or don't. This is just the way I feel.

Love me, love you

Rusty



Edited by ModTeam (01/27/12 03:02 AM)
Edit Reason: Content Edit.
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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