Newest Members
beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1, AustinChemist, wild_turky
12276 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4113 (60), Andre M, (36), catchup22 (62), jim OCA 7 (57), sidhearthur (55), SkyClad (65)
Who's Online
3 registered (AdawgJR, 2 invisible), 19 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12276 Members
73 Forums
63164 Topics
441711 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#382157 - 01/12/12 02:53 AM Back to really bad news
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I posted this In Male survivors, but desperately need input from others in F&F, Ladies help me with your wisdom please.

I went away to visit my Dad for his 80th birthday, and took my daughter with me. We had a really great time with Grandpappy and swam in the sea and went out and had fun.
I would call my wife, with whom I am having a bit of a strained relationship, and found her very distant and not really happy to talk to me.
On the one day I went and met with a T who has helped me tons long distance, and before I met with her face to face for the first time, My wife called and wanted to talk to me desperately.
I went somewhere private and said what's up babe.
The response I go was one I did not expect in a million Years.

"I HAVE BEEN RAPED"
WTF who, what, what are you talking about?
Turns out that her cousins husband, who knew we were away, called her and offered a shoulder to cry on because of the problems she is having with me.
He slipped her a rohipnol, (Date rape drug) or something, played the hero and drove her home and raped her.
What the fuck,
How do I take it from now, she doesn't want to prosecute, and am not going to force her. Perhaps next week she will change her mind.
What can I do right now to deal with this, beside killing the fucker?

ADVICE PLEASE

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382164 - 01/12/12 05:15 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I have nothing to say except I am so sorry and the evil in this world never ceases to amaze me. I hope she remembers nothing of it and I hope you are a comfort to her. That's terrible. I am sorry for both of you.


Top
#382166 - 01/12/12 06:01 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Gretta]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Martin, how damnably awful for your wife, you and your daughter. Encourage your wife to get help for the trauma: online, phone, face-to-face, whatever it takes. Her choice about prosecution once the shock wears off.

About being a partner: When I'm enraged about things that have happened to my partner, I'm focused on that, and can't be a grounded calming support for him. I'm still working on getting through this. Do what you can to get to the other side of the rage, for yourself and your beloveds.


Top
#382174 - 01/12/12 09:30 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Oh my God! That is horrible! Beyond horrible! Does she remember anything? I cant imagne what kind of creep/freak would do this. A very evil man, for sure.

Did she call the police?? Have a rape kit done? Checkd for STD's? What about her poor cousin who is probably oblivious to the fact that she is married to a psych-path?
Don't kll the fucker". U will be the only one that ends up in prison.

Please have your wife get help asap. Is there a rape hotline, at the very least, available?

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what u are feeling.

I went through a similar situaton without the date rape drug. I went to the police and they already were bulding a case against him so I ddn't have to tesify or anythig.

I was only 18 at the tme


Top
#382224 - 01/12/12 07:39 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: lucylives]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I honestly have no idea what to say.

That said, your wife's desire not to report could hurt innocent third parties as Lucy Lives noted about the cousin who probably isn't aware her husband is unacceptable.

So, I would probably pressure her to report. ASAP.

But if this is the right thing, I have no idea. Unless I was the innocent 3rd party saved from being hurt because he was reported before he hurt me.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#382230 - 01/12/12 09:31 PM . [Re: whome]
lady123 Offline


Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28
.

Top
#382285 - 01/13/12 01:24 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: lady123]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi whome,

This is really bad event. I would be just there for her to have a shoulder to cry on and emotional support for her. I would also try my very best to have her lay charges against him.

Like lady 123 said, it's important to get this creap locked away. If he does this to a family member, how many non family have had their lives ruined by this creap?

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#382329 - 01/13/12 09:03 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Sailor John]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Martin (whome) posted an update about his wife in the Male Survivor Forum. Direct Link to post


Top
#382436 - 01/15/12 08:18 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: eyesforward]
Marie-TwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 12/30/11
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
I'm glad she's responding to the help.
I am so sorry you both are having to go through this.
Matt just about went crazy when they got to me.
Can't imagine a husband's feelings in this situation.

You are being there for her.
That will mean a LOT!
If Matt hadn't been in the same room with me the first 24hrs I don't think I would have made it through that bit sane.
Just keep holding onto each other.
Hold on tight and do NOT let go.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

*Marie*


Top
#382465 - 01/15/12 03:21 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Marie-TwoOfUs]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
You Guys are so kind, Thanks so much for the encouraging words.
She is doing well, and I am taking a bit of strain.
The thought that this Bastard thinks that he has the right to come in to my house and mess with my family is still killing me.
The thoughts of revenge are running riot in my head and I barely sleep.
But hey I am keeping it together and staying sane for her. She has been with me through my healing and I will be there for her.

Thanks for the kind words Marie, I really value them.

Heal well all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382618 - 01/17/12 02:15 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Oh...My...God...!

I'm so, so sorry, Martin...!

What can you do... oh my...

If it were me, I would need for you to just allow me my conflicting emotions of rage, anger, shame, guilt, mourning, numbness, etc.

I would need for you to gently point out any distortions in my thinking, (ie. "It was MY fault I was raped", "I shoulda/coulda done this, that, or the other to have prevented it", "My life is over", etc.), but in pointing out the distortions, validate the normalcy of my feelings; that anyone in that position would likely feel the same, and that my feelings are absolutely normal.

I would need to see that you care enough to be upset, angry, and offer me care and compassion, but it would be harmful to me to have to deal with calming you down. So, I'd need for you to be in complete control of your emotions, so I could fall apart for a while.

Probably not much help, but it's all I've got!

Sending you love and prayers, Martin!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#382671 - 01/18/12 01:05 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Not much help, oh contrare, huge help.

Thanks HWB

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#382785 - 01/19/12 12:32 AM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: whome]
Marie-TwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 12/30/11
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Another thing that comes to mind for me considering how I was treated after our assault by my own husband.

She will probably need reassurance that you love her and that you will still be there for her through this.
She will probably need to hear at least once that you don't blame her, and that you are going to stay around.
And she may need to see that you still view her as a whole person and that what happened in no way changes how you feel about her.

My husband went cold on me when it happened.
If he spoke to me at all it was hurtful or insulting comments.
Absolutely worst nightmare of a rape victim, to hear her own husband call her "used goods."
I KNOW you would NEVER do this.
Just demonstrating the need here, considering my own history.
At that time the biggest thing I needed to hear was that I was still me and that I was still valued by someone.
And had wanted to hear that he would still stay by me.
That he didn't judge me or blame me.
Mine didn't. You will, I know, you already HAVE!

Keep at it, Martin.
Hero is right.
She needs to know you are worried for her.
But she needs to not have to calm you down, either.

Matt showed his worry/concern by sometimes just sitting nearby without touching if I couldn't take being touched.
He let his emotions rage out when I wasn't around to see it.
If you need to rage out there is no shame in that.
But make sure you have a place you can do it that she won't feel like she 'hurt you' herself or has to calm you down.

I don't know how much help this is or will be.
Just trying to give you something of a female perspective, too.
So you kinda know where it's coming from.

When our assault happened I felt dirty, felt used.
Felt contaminated and devalued.
Like rotten food left too long to spoil.
Alone. Abandoned. Dehumanized.
Powerless, frustrated, scared, hurt, angry, bitter, confused.
WHY WHY WHY kept going through my head for many months.
Couldn't stop scrubbing at my skin every time I washed up.
Sometimes I scrubbed so hard it rubbed my skin raw and open.

I hope she keeps responding, Martin.
I hope this helps you somehow.
Just keep being there for her and validate her feelings.
It will go so much farther than you might 'see' right now.

Sorry for going on so long.

*Marie*


Top
#383368 - 01/24/12 03:47 PM Re: Back to really bad news [Re: Marie-TwoOfUs]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Not much to add, other than suggesting reassurance and non-physical affection, unless she asks first.

I'm so sorry you both are suffering. Please give her my best and let her know I know she can and will heal in her own time.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.