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#381815 - 01/08/12 06:05 PM I Wish I Could Just Scream
innocence lost Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 61
Loc: Cleveland. Ohio USA
This is such a hard, hard topic for me that I can't even begin to open the can of worms associated with it. I've mentioned it to my therapist several times but we've never truly addressed it.

I don't belong anywhere. I'm neither gay nor straight yet in some ways I'm both while not belonging to either community. So much of this goes back to not wanted to abuse others or doing what I preceive as abuse as I didn't like it when it happened to me.

If anyone ever heard my abduction story as a 10 year old boy and was supicious of my being abuser based on the false assumption that "all guys who were abused go on to become abuser", that would kill me. It would kill me because it so very very very much the opposite for me. I wouln't/couldn't take advantage of someone sexually and am overly tuned in to anything that might be causing discomfort or pain.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


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#381831 - 01/08/12 10:42 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: innocence lost]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
I hear you, man! Not gay - but don't function well as hetero either. But elements of both that are in constant conflict and cause anxiety and discomfort with any contact beyond a simple handshake. Yeah - and I go so far to avoid anything that could be misinterpreted as abuse that I avoid normal human expressions of afffection and end up being alone and perceived as cold and stand-offish. I even have a tough time initiating physical intimacy in the most safe and protected setting and relationship.
Anyway --- you're not the only one, if that helps at all. It IS hard, I know...

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#381944 - 01/10/12 04:02 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

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#382037 - 01/10/12 06:57 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
L.A.D.
Ah yes - we're among the 2/3 of survivors who DON'T act out in that way and become perps ourselves. But what do you always hear about? The 1/3 who end up as abusers. And you even hear the statement "MANY" victims become abusers themselves." OK - so 1/3 is a terrible amount - BUT it is not the majority! And it makes me cry inside every time I hear it. Makes me want to dig my hole deeper and bury myself without any thought of coming up again. I don't dare tell my story because I'll automatically be branded as a pedo/perp. Regardless of the fact that I am so tied up in knots that I can't have any kind of physical relationship - whether normal or abnormal - it's all equally scary. Suddenly I become a suspect instead of a victim. This issue comes closest to making me mad of just about anything - and my anger has been pretty effectively anesthetized by my perps, too - along with nearly every other emotion - healthy or not. I'd rather die than hurt anyone else like I was hurt. That's the biggest deterrent I can imagine.
- Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#382041 - 01/10/12 09:01 PM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

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#382126 - 01/11/12 07:56 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
Hey, Innocence Lost & Life's a Dream:

Yup - the confusion!

Maybe the trauma disconnected our emotions or scrambled the circuits or something. I know I'm *supposed* to have both emotional and sexual attractions to the same person, but it's like one goes one direction and the other goes the other. I can't seem to connect love and sex or even get them anywhere close together. They are like opposites to me. Sex is either just physical and neutral or else loaded with negative and scary associations. Love is in a little box that must remain pure and untouched and therefore is difficult to consummate.

And the emotions are almost totally disconnected. I have enough awareness to recognize the feelings I *should" be having - but don't really feel them - just sort of identify them without experiencing them fully. Numb. Like the lyrics from "My Little Town" by Paul Simon:

"and after it rains there's a rainbow,
But all of the colors are black.
It's not that the colors arenb't there -
Just imagination they lack."

That's my emotions - all shades of black. And my relationships all get screwed up from the deadening of the emotions.

And weird thing - though I fear and resent the same sex events that got me here, I sort of indentify with and understand and feel defensive about gays - though I don't want to join them and would run like hell if ever approached in that way.

But at the same time, I have a desire to be fully a part of the hetero world but feel excluded and disqualified and unable to participate there.

What is left......?

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#382127 - 01/11/12 08:12 PM Re: I Wish I Could Just Scream [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
Life's A Dream -

Just read your last post again and realized there was another point to respond to...

Yeah, women are way more free to express emotions. That is a trait ingrained in both males and females from birth. Girls are emotional. Guys are rational. Don't show your feelings - above all - BOYS DON"T CRY!!!

For me, I was made to feel by my step-father (also Perpetrator) that my emotions were invalid and worthless and I knew that they were also dangerous because they exposed my weaknesses and made me more vulnerable. If I didn't express hurt then maybe I wouldn't be hurt as much and couldn't feel the hurt. I just switched it off. Now that I think of it, it was almost a conscious decision. It's harder to reverse it.

Then when I was bullied and abused at school, scouts and the Y, I had the same lesson re-inforced - don't let em know how much they are getting to you. It will only be worse. No wonder we keep our feelings secret from everyone else - to the point where they become a mystery to us as well.

As for anger - I just can't seem to get it to "work." Maybe if I could just really lose control once it would be a health thing, but I can't imagine it ever happening. I can put it all into words - but that is as far as it goes. I am really into self-control in that area. I feel pressure building up and lots of anxiety but no real anger at all. My T once told me I told my story with the same level of feeling as if i was reading the phone book. Since then I've managed to find and express some grief but no anger...

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#382151 - 01/12/12 02:07 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

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#382152 - 01/12/12 02:13 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

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#382153 - 01/12/12 02:14 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:34 PM)

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