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Yeah - once a T tried to get me to scream in rage and I could not do it. I was too self-conscious, felt like it wold be fake, practically paralyzed with the inability to do anything that would be emotionally extreme. He even suggested I scream into a pillow if it made it easier. Couldn't do that either. And yet I read other posts of survivors who struggle with controlling anger. Guess it's one extreme or the other... If it was just the unpleasant emotions that I didn't feel it wouldn't be as bad, but I lose out on the good ones too.

Interesting--my T has tried the same thing--I have been able to show some anger but much of it is repressed but it is slowly coming to the surface. It shows up in flashbacks and thoughts. When I do show the anger the T can feel my anger and pain. I actually do feel better when I get angry in therapy--I can sound out my anger at the abuser and what has been done to me.

Like you, this emotion is painful because it is letting you process the memories and letting go of the pain and anger. It takes time and like you I do not like the feelings of the pain, but I have learned it is the only way to let go.

Good luck

Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up - NOT a suicide threat - just a wish not to feel so miserable. That's about the only thing i DO feel. Sometimes i wish i could just go back to the place before I was remembering stuff. i was hurting less then. Now the pandora's box has been opened and I can't stuff all the bad things back inside. Gotta go forward to get out of this. But i feel like Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. A little personal dark cloud of infection, contagion, pollution, corruption, degradation, taint, dirtiness, and guilt surrounds and accompanies me everywhere I go. and I see everything through that murky fog. I used to be able to not think about it or forget it for long periods or just not go there. Now it's in my face ALL THE F-ING TIME!

It IS very hard. But know that you "belong" in a most unique and gifted way.
We don't have to be "this" or "that" or any single thing.
We can simply be the best "we" that we can be.

I can relate to your struggle. And I have spent (and likely will spend) too many minutes being frustrated by it.
But I have found that I am happiest when I chunk the concept of having to be either gay or straight, and instead, think about trying to be the best "me" that I can be, in whatever blended, gifted, and giving way that I can be.
I wish you peace. I am happy to visit more if you'd like.
Shalom.

Apparently it's a common experience for survivors to experience memories without the emotional component. I think that's another reason that music and/or movies can be useful to get those emotions out. Do you know of any music that makes the emotions emerge? Or movies? Are there some movies that remind you of your own childhood or where you were at the time?

I have found several movies which release my emotions in a meaningful way which links to where I was. One of them is The Education of Little Tree. I see myself there and it brings out my emotional systems. Another one is Father and Scout. Another one is I'm Not Afraid. But I think that different guys might find different movies meaningful.

The way that I found movies that were meaningful was to search in Amazon dot com. Because of Amazon's excellent computer search program, once you find one movie that you like there it will start suggesting similar movies. I have not found a similarly powerful search program anywhere else.

I think that the reason we have trouble remembering the emotion is that it's stored in those emotional centers of the brain and we have "walled" them off so they don't bug us.

Puffer

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Life's a Dream, KMCINVA, Puffer & EvanCan:
Hope you don't mind a group response.

L A D - I'm so sorry, man, that I just skipped right over your comment about the coworker who died right in front of you. I guess I was just so caught up with talking about what we have in common. Are you OK? Witnessing a death like that can be rough - but then again - maybe you don't know how you're doing cause you don't feel anything? Anyway, take care and be good to yourself.
On another point - your comment about acting like yoou feel something struck a chord... I have done a lot of theatre and find that I can believably portray another character's emotions - even very intense ones - far easier than I can express my own. Once I had to play Anne Frank's father - the heart-break of losing a young innocent daughter to the Nazi death camps. I could not even remember feeling any grief that I could use as a resource to portray that depth of feeling. And there had been plenty of events in my previous life that should have caused that emotion. It was all imagination and imitating other people that I had observed.

EvanCan - I appreciate your words of affirmation. But it's hard for me to accept that definition or de>

This is very well said. I have been married to a woman AND partnered with a man. I am not sure on the sexuality spectrum where I am.

Thanks for opening up about this issue.

Avery

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