Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up - NOT a suicide threat - just a wish not to feel so miserable. That's about the only thing i DO feel. Sometimes i wish i could just go back to the place before I was remembering stuff. i was hurting less then. Now the pandora's box has been opened and I can't stuff all the bad things back inside. Gotta go forward to get out of this. But i feel like Pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. A little personal dark cloud of infection, contagion, pollution, corruption, degradation, taint, dirtiness, and guilt surrounds and accompanies me everywhere I go. and I see everything through that murky fog. I used to be able to not think about it or forget it for long periods or just not go there. Now it's in my face ALL THE F-ING TIME!
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho