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#382499 - 01/15/12 09:57 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone or if and person or persons felt attacked by my opinion. I understand that the site is about CSA but since the topic was about homophobia due to CSA it did hit where it hurts. I was not nor did I intend to institute anyone would commit a hate crime but its been my personal experience that homophobia tends to turn into violence. Again I state that this was just a personal experience and I was trying to offer insight to point of view from a gay man. I do applaud him for recognizing his feelings as homophobic and that he is seeking advice on what to do with those emotions or how to handle them. It takes courage to admit being homophobic as well as it took all of us courage to join MS to discuss and seek help with all of our issues with dealing with the effects of CSA. Again I apologize if anyone felt attacked, accused, or belittled in any way shape or form. I was just expressing my thoughts and feelings and did not intend to cause anyone any anger or further pain. I think we all have suffered enough. If my posts are offending people then maybe joining the site last month was a mistake.. because I have never nor would I ever intentionally hurt or offend another survivor. I wish you ALL the very best on your journey to recovery and I commend and applaud each one of you for being able to be open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and stories of both joy and pain. GOOD LUCK GUYS AND THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

_________________________
Sail

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#382501 - 01/15/12 09:58 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone or if and person or persons felt attacked by my opinion. I understand that the site is about CSA but since the topic was about homophobia due to CSA it did hit where it hurts. I was not nor did I intend to institute anyone would commit a hate crime but its been my personal experience that homophobia tends to turn into violence. Again I state that this was just a personal experience and I was trying to offer insight to point of view from a gay man. I do applaud him for recognizing his feelings as homophobic and that he is seeking advice on what to do with those emotions or how to handle them. It takes courage to admit being homophobic as well as it took all of us courage to join MS to discuss and seek help with all of our issues with dealing with the effects of CSA. Again I apologize if anyone felt attacked, accused, or belittled in any way shape or form. I was just expressing my thoughts and feelings and did not intend to cause anyone any anger or further pain. I think we all have suffered enough. If my posts are offending people then maybe joining the site last month was a mistake.. because I have never nor would I ever intentionally hurt or offend another survivor. I wish you ALL the very best on your journey to recovery and I commend and applaud each one of you for being able to be open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and stories of both joy and pain. GOOD LUCK GUYS AND THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

_________________________
Sail

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#382504 - 01/15/12 11:39 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
AdamJae:

Even though I'm straight and homosexuality is a trigger, I think you're trying just as hard as I am to be an accepting person. If more people were like us, there might not be so many problems related to this.





Edited by InsideTheWall (01/15/12 11:42 PM)

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#382513 - 01/16/12 03:23 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: InsideTheWall]
Andre808 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 15
Loc: Honolulu, Hawaii
Wow, this discussion has really developed. I'm sorry to equate homosexuality with racism. I did not mean to offend anyone or make an inappropriate connection.

I don't want to assume to much, but it sounds Edward that you are Asian also. I am Filipino and was abused by my half-brother. It made me very homophobic too. I didn't want to be thought of as gay since my perpetrator was another man, so being hateful towards gays was a way to justify to myself that I wasn't. I am straight, but I have learned that I don't need to hate gays to be straight, or to be happy, or to feel whole again. I started hanging out with gays and lesbians, and guess what, they're just human beings. They can be jerks or assholes, just like straight people. They can also be beautiful, funny and caring, just like straight people. As a matter of fact, my best boss ever was gay and he's a friend til this day.

I wanted to share this with you because I do know where you are coming from Edward. Like I said before, it takes time and an open heart.

Andre


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#382518 - 01/16/12 07:29 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Adam Jae,

There's no reason for you to leave. I'm one person who responded to your post and yes, I had a strong reaction but I wouldn't want to see you leave out of fear of offending people. You didn't mean to stir stuff up like your post did but sometimes stirring stuff up isn't a bad thing.

We're not the moderators and someone would let you know if you were being offensive or hurtful.

Please stay here if it helps you.





Edited by EdfromNYC (01/16/12 07:33 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#382532 - 01/16/12 11:14 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Your feelings are your feeling no more no less. As victims of abuse we have so many things blocking us and bringing us down we need to validate those feeling with people who suffered as we did and as fellow victims we need to understand that while it maybe hard to hear or understand we still need to be open enough and have compassion enough for those trying to heal and be honest. Honesty is a great gift that should not be punished. Also as survivors we have a right to share the feeling of any post that made us feel badly but nothing should stop us from our shared journey of healing the wrongs done to us.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#382548 - 01/16/12 06:24 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: F.A.]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 51
This thread has been very interesting and a valuable contribution to the healing of many who are members and also to any visitors who fall upon these postings.
I admire Adam for his delving into this in such a generous and open manner. It is not often that we have the privilege of seeing inside the complex misunderstandings surrounding the combination of CSA, homosexuality, gender identity, homophobia, and sex addiction.
The literature I have seen on CSA dispels the myth that CSA causes boys to become gay. Fortunately, sexual orientation and attraction is thought to be independent of CSA issues. Nevertheless, the roads to healing from CSA may be different for different genders, gender identities, sexual orientations, and expressions.


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#382556 - 01/16/12 09:39 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Older1]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
The literature I have seen on CSA dispels the myth that CSA causes boys to become gay. Fortunately, sexual orientation and attraction is thought to be independent of CSA issues.


Stick around, I see you're new so welcome.

If you get a chance, read some of the posts under the Sexual Identity forum. Sexual identity issues are a big, big, BIG, theme on here. The more time I spend here, the more I realize that there is no expert or literature that fully encompasses what we as a range of male survivors have gone through and how we deal with it today.

I know that my orientation/attraction that I have had toward men (and still have issues with) is a combination of my CSA which only happened due being entrusted to emotionally neglectful, unloving and messed up people who were my parents. For me, my CSA absolutely led to my orientation/attraction system being one helluva mess.

Once a man touched me sexually when I was a boy, it changed me forever. I wish I could have known what it was like to not have been touched sexually by an adult and to have had the opportunity to let it happen in a way where I was in control with someone who was equally vulnerable. I also wish worrying about sex and my orientation didn't eat up so much of my time and energy as it has over many, many years.

For me, orientation/attraction is not a simple issue.



Edited by EdfromNYC (01/16/12 09:43 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#382568 - 01/17/12 01:02 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1202
I have read this thread carefully and think everyone has excellent points, even those who differ. For someone to say they are homophobic - openly - creates an incredible paradox. All at once they are revealling both a hurtful attitude towards others and an open, candid vulnerability. I think EdfromNYC is absolutely correct in saying the focus should be on Ed's willingness to be open and recognize this issuet. But I also fully understand the trigger such hatred can bring to others.

So I don't think there is a right or wrong here. Looking at it like racism is one perspective I suppose. But what if instead of homophobia, Ed was expressing a wish to purge an urge of pedophilia? I think the same arguments would be equally valid, but suddenly more of us would definitely understand those negative triggers, being survivors of pedophilia ourselves.

Homophobia is probably more like racism, however, since each derive ultimately from irrational fears, while pedophilia is more of a sexual orientation issue.

I know what it's like to carry that irrational fear around in my head. I was where Ed is now - and it's a tough place to be. I never had the means or possibly the courage to come out and admit it like he did here. So I applaud Ed and as a gay person I would be happy to offer any additional perspectives to him on this.

I'm certainly not a very religious person, but if ever there was truth to the adage "love the sinner but hate the sin", this is it. Maybe it's even like an excorcism. Ed's doing the work from honest self-appraisal, working hard to shed the hate because - deep down - he knows it isn't right. That's all anyone should expect.

_________________________



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#382594 - 01/17/12 09:46 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Chase Eric]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Ed Wong--try to think how your brother-in-law may feel when he senses your dislike. He did not do this to you. Also think how your words and actions may influence others around you--children and others. Words and actions can be powerful--I heard from one of my children that I ruined their life because I moved them from a place in NY to a larger home in a neighboring state 50 miles away at the age of 5/6 and how his mother hated the people there--he is now in his late 20's. As to what he said about his mother, those were her words and not his--he heard the words many times. So he hates everyone in that State and the State itself. Strangely most of the people in that town are transplants from other areas including the place in NY. So words and actions can influence especially if you have a highly influential or controlling position in a young person's life. Repetition of words and actions can be reinforcing.

You are entitled to your views but keep it to yourself and do not bring your children into the fray on this issue or other issues that can be perceived as hurtful, painful or private--your brother-in-law is your children's uncle and your children need to learn and form their own opinions on how people live their lives. There are good and bad in every category--age, race, religion, ethnic background, and even different places where people live and so on. So lumping everyone of a particular subgroup into one bucket is not fair. Many of the perps are not gay--just deviant and controlling individuals.

But I respect your opinion because I have my own issues I am dealing with--acting out when I am not gay-regaining lost time- and like many of us I lost part of my sexual self as a child and I am regaining it and understanding who I am. As you know CSA effects each of us differently. My acting out was to gain control over the past, which I now know never works and to compensate for the feeling of being unworthy from actions and words from those around me and the CSA. I have met people who bring joy, happiness and excitement to my life and they reaffirm who I was and one day I hope to be blessed with a compassionate and caring woman by my side.

If I accepted the words of those around me, I would have long been gone-really gone-give the good a chance no matter what their preferences may be--

But together will heal and face the past--our CSA is the same but how we react, its effects and how we heal will be different but the goal is to heal. We need to understand and appreciate each other to achieve our goal of healing.



Edited by KMCINVA (01/17/12 01:22 PM)

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