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#382359 - 01/14/12 04:42 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Edward

I am really happy that your wife is encouraging you to move forward with your healing, and Please don't feel discouraged about asking the hard questions, that IS WHY WE ARE ALL HERE. Hopefully to help answer the hard questions without judgement.

We all share a similar pain.

Heal well
Martin



Edited by whome (01/14/12 04:43 AM)
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#382365 - 01/14/12 10:35 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: F.A.]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1618
Yes it is hard to accept how others treat people. But once you stand up for yourself and no longer allow yourself to be treated poorly, taken advantage of or sadly tormented, you learn that you were only valued for the moment--what you gave without expectations or thanks was taken for granted. Sadly, this behavior is learned from others. It was just expected that I would do and take all the s**t, give of myself,buy whatever anyone wanted and so on--ask for help and you are told they are entitled to it. And along the way I made mistakes. But it helps me sort through who is truly a good and caring person, who walks the talk and just does not talk and a person who will stand behind me and I them.

In troubled times you learn who understands love and support and who can give it. It shows their true character.



Edited by KMCINVA (01/14/12 10:52 AM)

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#382368 - 01/14/12 11:02 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
1lifenow Online   content


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 396
Loc: west coast
The point you make here you make is really important.

Dig up pain causes life to be fucked up OR dull the nervous system down to be a zombie. Based on what your experience was, I can understand why you look at this as either/ or. Black or white, on or off, friend or foe - period.

It took going to different T's to understand there are more options. What if you could dig up the pain in a controled way? What about learning how to access the memories, reframe them so they do not trigger your body to go into total flight or fight. So you don't have that understandable but irrational visceral response to your brother in law?

"You can overcome the grip of past trauma to have more connections and healthy intimacy in your relationships now." That's what people like Dr. Diane Heller and other somatic exeperiencing therapists help you do. Its easy to dig up and wallow in the pain but then it fucks you up. Its easy to take drugs so the nervous system has no visceral response so you don't feel the pain but none of the pleasure of life either. Neither option is great.

Make no mistake, it takes real work to take other options that are out there. But they are out there.

I wish you well, you clearly want things different and that in and of itself is growth. Your wife is gently nudging , let yourself take the hand of someone ahead of you to guide you forward.

cheers

grant





Edited by 1lifenow (01/14/12 11:03 AM)
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#382408 - 01/14/12 08:16 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
This thread kind of made my stomach turn, because I'm a victim of CSA and also was a victim of a hate from less than 3 months ago because I'm gay.. a group of men jumped a friend and I on the mere assumption that we were a gay couple. yes I am gay but no one has a right to hate me based on that fact.. itI understand your reasoning and admire the fact that you know its misplaced anger.. but to hate gay men because you were abused wrong. it would be like me hating all male relatives because my cousin was my perpetrator. its undeniably wrong to hate or punish because of a personal experience. this is merely my opinion as you are entitled to yours. but, being homophobic is a close step to possibly committing a hate crime, much like CSA. both are a violation of basic human rights. please seek out the proper help you need to move past your hatred for your family and for your own peace of mind. and as always good luck on your journey to recovery! smile I hope no one was offended by my opinion and if you are I apologize because it was not my intention. this thread just struck close to home.

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#382409 - 01/14/12 08:17 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
* hate crime * sorry for they typo. I was a victim of a hate crime

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#382444 - 01/15/12 10:32 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I have read through this thread, and It hurts.
I see so much Judgement and intolerance on the one site where there should be exactly that
This is the one place where People who don't understand their feelings, should be able to ask a question like this without fear of recrimination.
Each person has had a different experience with CSA, and each experience has had a different effect on that individual person. We have no right to offer judgement on his feelings, and the mere fact that he is asking the question, means that He is upset by what he is feeling, and thinking

Before you answer a post it is wise to ask one question "What pain and suffering did this man endure to think/Feel like this"
If you cannot offer advice, Based on your experience, then rather don't comment on the post, but to start saying that this or that behaviour is unacceptable, or to make comment like "men are trying to justify having affairs because of CSA", this could be true for many men, and it is not a justification, but rather a fact that he has had affairs as a direct result of the CSA. CSA HAS HUGE AND VARYING EFFECTS ON DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

Again, the pain and confusion suffered by victims of CSA is very different for each individual, your experience is NOT someone else's experience.

At the end of the day all we have in common is our pain, fear and the CSA, we are an unlikely brotherhood. Lets not turn on one another.

Heal well all
Martin

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#382448 - 01/15/12 10:54 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: whome]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1618
Martin

Well said-I totally agree with you. Everyone has a different experience and how they react can vary from person to person. I hear people who have not experienced the CSA or studied and worked with those who have suffered CSA espouse that they have all the answers-wrong. Every person is different and how we react depends on our past, who we are, emotional make up and other factors as to our living and social environments.

Yes, everyone who has experienced CSA needs understanding and compassion-but we all have several things in common, the pain, hurt, lack of trust and a sense of not being valued.

So let's support each other and stand together, we all need the support.

Keep healing and stay strong

Kevin


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#382452 - 01/15/12 11:42 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: AdamJae]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
being homophobic is a close step to possibly committing a hate crime


I find this kind of sentiment very inappropriate and insensitive to the discussion that is going on here. I'm sorry that you were "jumped" in the way that you were but it has nothing to do with victims of CSA and their working out and discussing their feelings of homophobia.

And for you to tie feelings of being fearful or intimidated by gay men (i.e., homophobia) DUE TO CSA, to actually attempt to tie having feelings as "close step to committing a crime", I think its inappropriate. I don't think its helpful to tell people who understand that they have homophobia issues and want to talk about them that they should fix them or they are close to committing a crime.

I think its reasonable to want to discuss homophobia toward you but this forum has been about homophobia due to CSA. I hope you can see the difference and see that your attempts to tie one's feelings due to CSA to criminal actions are somewhat misguided.

Post>


Edited by EdfromNYC (01/15/12 01:47 PM)
Edit Reason: added thoughts
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#382497 - 01/15/12 09:49 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone or if and person or persons felt attacked by my opinion. I understand that the site is about CSA but since the topic was about homophobia due to CSA it did hit where it hurts. I was not nor did I intend to institute anyone would commit a hate crime but its been my personal experience that homophobia tends to turn into violence. Again I state that this was just a personal experience and I was trying to offer insight to point of view from a gay man. I do applaud him for recognizing his feelings as homophobic and that he is seeking advice on what to do with those emotions or how to handle them. It takes courage to admit being homophobic as well as it took all of us courage to join MS to discuss and seek help with all of our issues with dealing with the effects of CSA. Again I apologize if anyone felt attacked, accused, or belittled in any way shape or form. I was just expressing my thoughts and feelings and did not intend to cause anyone any anger or further pain. I think we all have suffered enough. If my posts are offending people then maybe joining the site last month was a mistake.. because I have never nor would I ever intentionally hurt or offend another survivor. I wish you ALL the very best on your journey to recovery and I commend and applaud each one of you for being able to be open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and stories of both joy and pain. GOOD LUCK GUYS AND THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

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#382498 - 01/15/12 09:50 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone or if and person or persons felt attacked by my opinion. I understand that the site is about CSA but since the topic was about homophobia due to CSA it did hit where it hurts. I was not nor did I intend to institute anyone would commit a hate crime but its been my personal experience that homophobia tends to turn into violence. Again I state that this was just a personal experience and I was trying to offer insight to point of view from a gay man. I do applaud him for recognizing his feelings as homophobic and that he is seeking advice on what to do with those emotions or how to handle them. It takes courage to admit being homophobic as well as it took all of us courage to join MS to discuss and seek help with all of our issues with dealing with the effects of CSA. Again I apologize if anyone felt attacked, accused, or belittled in any way shape or form. I was just expressing my thoughts and feelings and did not intend to cause anyone any anger or further pain. I think we all have suffered enough. If my posts are offending people then maybe joining the site last month was a mistake.. because I have never nor would I ever intentionally hurt or offend another survivor. I wish you ALL the very best on your journey to recovery and I commend and applaud each one of you for being able to be open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and stories of both joy and pain. GOOD LUCK GUYS AND THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

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