Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
adam319 (46), Bellemaman (36), Bob G. (58), S D Witwicky (38)
Who's Online
1 registered (petercorbett), 24 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63225 Topics
442120 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#382245 - 01/13/12 06:57 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Sorry, guys. Racism and bigotry hurts lots and lots of people so I'll continue to be a pain in the ass by being totally against it. If we allow it to fester, bad things will happen from it. People have gotten beat, killed because of it. The article below is another good reason why it has NO place in society regardless of the "why".

Ruling over controversial pool sign stands ("white only" sign)
http://news.yahoo.com/ohio-panel-sticks-white-only-pool-sign-ruling-151624022.html

That story truly disgusted me.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#382252 - 01/13/12 08:26 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: phoenix321]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
You seem to think that you're the only one against racism and bigotry. You're not. You are confused about what people are writing about here by continuing to tie racism with bigotry.

Like one other poster wrote on here, in the context of CSA by another man, homophobia (not bigotry as you mistakenly write) is, I would say, normal for a survivor of CSA. You need to understand that is not bigotry. One can have feelings of homophobia, know that they don't like that they have those feelings and NEVER ACT ON THEM which means they don't practice bigotry. You need to separate feelings from actions because they are different. Bigotry is action; homophobia is feeling.

I'm sure you've had feelings that you don't like and you've done work to understand them and uncover feelings beneath the surface. That's what many of us with issues of homophobia are dealing with. For you to write its wrong regardless of the "why", again, you make the mistake of equating someone searching out what they are really feeling with actually going out and acting on their homophobia in horrible ways. You've made quite a leap there from someone's discomfort to someone automatically being a victimizer. This inability to see nuance in this discussion about homophobia might indicate an area of pain for you that has nothing to do with other men discussing their confused feelings due to their CSA.

The equating of racism with homophobia (which you call bigotry) is simply wrong on this site. We're not "off" to discuss this. Its okay to talk about this stuff and explore what it means. That's how people get better.

And one more thing: we've all done "bad" things in our lives, made wrong choices. If one has unintentionally practiced "bigotry" at one time or another, he can atone for it and know that he is not bad or wrong for it. Same with racism. We all grow and learn and understand and to make these two things so incredibly bad that anyone who has made a mistake should be really, really, really ashamed, I just don't buy it. Sometimes we learn by acting ignorant and then getting corrected. Sometimes life is just like that unfortunately.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#382260 - 01/13/12 09:46 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
EdfromNYC,

That is not what Edward Wong posted. If somebody truly has a phobia about a particular group of people because of trauma, that's totally understandable since they don't know any better. Once they find that the phobia isn't true and still harbor it, it's wrong. Edward Wong clearly said he was the latter (adding he makes homophobic comments and his wife really doesn't like it).

Everyone has some little issue they believe about others. If I'm walking down an alley and see 4 people who look like gang bangers, I will turn the other way. Of course, I'd do the same thing if I saw 4 white guys that looked like white trash. That example is just protecting my behind. Some might yell racism but it ain't.

When we allow hate to be inside of us, it hurts us and it hurts others.

Let's put your idea on trial. If somebody says, "I don't like Black people cause one was my perp. Yes, I use the "N" word and I know it is wrong but I just can't get myself to like Black people." I bet we'd all tell this hypothetical person, you are a racist, bro, stop it.

Perhaps Mr. Wong might just stop making homophobic comments around his wife. I assume Mr. Wong is Asian and doubt seriously he likes people making bigoted comments about Asians, right?

To be blunt, if we do others wrong, just because we have CSA does not justify it. Again, having CSA does not justify hurting others. Say it till you believe it.

Cheating on your wife or girlfriend isn't justified because of CSA either like I've seen a few attempt to do on MS.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#382261 - 01/13/12 09:47 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
My perps where not homosexual, they all have grown to be married and have children, so called normal lives, If anything they could be your classic pedophiles with an attraction to young children that has nothing to do with sexual orientation or Bi men and to this day I don't think any are closeted gay men.

You have a right to your feelings as everyone has a right to theirs. I hope you can over come all that has happened.


Originally Posted By: Edward Wong
I'm deeply homophobic. Its a result of my abuse. I know my hatred is misplaced.


_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

Top
#382269 - 01/13/12 10:58 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: phoenix321]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Where does he say he makes comments? Can you quote that because I can't find it? You are seeing things that don't exist. Edward even says he tries to avoid his bro-in-law whenever possible. That is not bigotry. You are mistaken and you need to go back and read things again and see that you are posting based on your perceptions but not on what is actually being posted.

I don't agree with you. I think you're sensitivity to others potential pain (and not CSA survivors on this site but no-name possible victims of racism and bigotry that only seem to exist in your head!), not your pain, says something about you and not about the people trying to DISCUSS FEELINGS ON THIS SITE. I think you have a problem with this being discussed and I think that you need to figure out what your problem is as most of us discussing this issue are clear on what our problem is. Your problem, imagining the pain of others who aren't on this site and who we have no idea of who these people are that you are protecting, is not what we are discussing here.

I think you're stuck somewhere and you can argue your point all day but when you start making things up that aren't actually posted it tells me that you might be caught up in very, very strong emotions that are personal to you and need to be explored.

Again, racism is not the worst thing that ever happened. People say things and they make mistakes and learn. Its weird that you keep equating racism with homophobia even though this is a CSA survivor board. Its simply weird that you won't let go. Did you dig your heels in and now you need to be right or something? Your keep missing the point.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#382271 - 01/13/12 11:03 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: phoenix321]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
Cheating on your wife or girlfriend isn't justified because of CSA either like I've seen a few attempt to do on MS.


Maybe people weren't trying to justify (or some might have been) as much as trying to tie their current behavior to their CSA. That's what people are saying about their homophobia.

Quote:
Everyone has some little issue they believe about others. If I'm walking down an alley and see 4 people who look like gang bangers, I will turn the other way. Of course, I'd do the same thing if I saw 4 white guys that looked like white trash. That example is just protecting my behind. Some might yell racism but it ain't.


The fact that you refer to people as "white trash" and that you would act a certain way based on how people look, wow, I missed that at first but you sure do justify how you act. I don't think of people as "white trash" or "gangbangers". I don't think in those terms.

You've shown me that you are complicated, for sure, but we're all on here to heal as best we can.




Edited by EdfromNYC (01/13/12 11:09 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#382272 - 01/13/12 11:07 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
I have a gay perp and struggle with this. I don't have a problem with GBLT people having the same legal rights as everyone else, but thats not going to make my triggers go away. To pretend otherwise is deeply unrealistic. Having said that, I would never intentionally give someone a hard time for being gay and I've very gradually moved towards disclosing my triggers when they could be relevant. If I'm homophobic, its because I want to be, its part of having a gay perp. But its not like I'm not making an effort. The person who understands me the deepest level is a bi-sexual woman who was involved in GLBT politics when she was younger.



Edited by InsideTheWall (01/13/12 11:18 AM)

Top
#382275 - 01/13/12 11:30 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: InsideTheWall]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
" If I'm homophobic, its because I want to be, its part of having a gay perp."

Its part of having a gay perp to YOU...not to everybody whos perp happens to be gay...just important to clarify.

ITW, do you engage in talk therapy on the subject?

Edward if you would like to continue a dialog on the topic please refer to the questions I asked, if it safe for you before it drifted laugh.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#382276 - 01/13/12 12:01 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Originally Posted By: Castle
" If I'm homophobic, its because I want to be, its part of having a gay perp."

Its part of having a gay perp to YOU...not to everybody hos perp happens to be gay...just important to clarify.
Fair enough, but I do deserve credit for trying. Not everyone on this thread always did.

Originally Posted By: Castle
ITW, do you engage in talk therapy on the subject?
I have no insurance and there's virtually no services around here anyway. MS is all I have and rarely use it because I don't want to cause controversy. For example, if this thread becomes fixated on me, I'll disappear for months. I strongly prefer to lurk more than interact.




Edited by InsideTheWall (01/13/12 12:07 PM)

Top
#382277 - 01/13/12 12:05 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Castle]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1566
I think we all understand that CSA impacts us in many ways--how we think, how we act, how we react to situations and how we feel about ourselves. I think the latter, how we feel about ourselves influences everything else in our life. It create our perceptions, highlights our fears, our distrusts and our own self view of lacking worth or value.

I am learning how I perceived myself allowed me to live a life of allowing others to treat me poorly, take advantage of me. I become the whipping boy for others--further diminishing my sense of worth. It hurts when I think I allowed others to hurt me, then I hurt them with acting out--a terrible cycle. Actions impact us, how we respond can be greatly influenced by our self perception and state of mind. So I hear everyone here, but I hope with therapy everyone will realize every person has value, deserves respect as to who they are, and should not be labeled as to cause hurt or vicious comments and attacks to any individual.


Top
Page 3 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.