Newest Members
squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms, Anony_mous
12368 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Avyi (49), cross29min (59), Dartel (50), ernie (70), flightmedic38 (40), jggab (42), kev (66)
Who's Online
2 registered (tbkkfile, don64), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12368 Members
74 Forums
63565 Topics
444121 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#382112 - 01/11/12 04:26 PM Homophobic because of the Abuse
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
I'm deeply homophobic. Its a result of my abuse. I know my hatred is misplaced. I shouldn't compare what happens between consenting adults to what happened to me a child. But in the back of my mind, there is always a voice telling me that all gay men are pedophiles.

The problem is that my brother-in-law is openly gay. I try to avoid him if possible. My wife has caught on and she's upset at me. Its beginning to affect our marriage.

My wife knows I was abused and has helped me with with a lot of other issues. On this issue, she refuses to budge. She's upset that I'm focusing my anger at the wrong group of people. I know she's right, but I can't bring myself to change.

Has anyone else dealt with this? What can I do to become more tolerant?


Top
#382115 - 01/11/12 05:52 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
This is a controversial topic and I give you credit for raising it. I've had similar issues but now having been in a survivor group for about 4 months and having gay and straight men in the group has eased the issues for me. I've gotten to know people better so I see them less and less through the prism of their sexuality. I've also been very sexually confused and I think part of it for me was when I saw gay men who were seemingly comfortable with themselves, when I wasn't, it seemed somehow unfair to me. I thought all gay men must have been abused at some point and that they should be struggling and ashamed like me. But now I realize that they are just other men, albeit with an orientation that I consider different than the norm. Also, I try to stay away from thinking of gay men as "they".

To become "more tolerant" is a good question. It seems unreasonable to put it on your wife. However, is your wife being unreasonable? The fact that she won't budge on this - what does that mean? Are you being too hard on yourself? Does your brother-in-aw simply make you uncomfortable whether he was gay or not? That might be key - is your brother-in-law someone you simply don't like to be around? Its okay to not like a person who happens to be gay. You need to separate it out if that may be the case.

There's a lot of issues in there especially with your abuse. Again, I give you credit for working to make yourself more comfortable because in the end, it will make others around you more comfortable, too.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#382124 - 01/11/12 07:47 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Edward Wong
...I'm deeply homophobic...What can I do to become more tolerant?


edward, in my view and from my own experience - the answer is likely already there for you.

after my rape i was tormented by guys who called me a fag and i took their bullying seriously and literally. come to find out - they are all gay today, 30+ yrs on. when i left high school to attend college though i felt that i could escape the past and one thing i would vow to do was certainly distance myself from anything/all things gay.

first night in the dorms my new roommate and i went out to dinner, one question he asked was "what do you think about gay people?" my answer "they should all be killed." i said it, even though i didn't believe that, but thought my words would rest that horrible past, and of course prevent the roommate from ever thinking otherwise about me. (which is a separate issue really.)

what i did not know... in my insular way of thinking... was he was not asking me that question to find out if i was gay and/or to make fun of me. he asked, because he was going to tell me he was gay, as i found out about six months later. it is perhaps the most shameful period of my life. it is one thing i would certainly take back if i could. i was not afraid of him. i was not afraid of gays. i was afraid of pedophiles and i was afraid of myself.

but, i was sick of being "on trial" inside my soul. i am so glad that i was able to apologize to him (six months later). but the damage was done and my one little statement caused plenty of grief all around that first semester, which there is no need to go into here and now.

treat others as one wishes to be treated. is there any better advice?

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#382131 - 01/11/12 09:12 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: westchesterguy]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Each of us is different, so my experience may not be at all like yours. For YEARS I was UBER homophobic. Great coping mechanism for the fact that I felt strong attraction towards other men. But that's just me...

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#382161 - 01/12/12 03:24 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Andre808 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 15
Loc: Honolulu, Hawaii
Like a lot of issues stemming from CSA, its going to take time. Like racism, homophobia is based on ignorance and fear. What we don't know we usually end up fearing and hating. If possible, you need to remember that homosexuals are people too, with their own issues just like heterosexuals. We both have a need for human contact and feel pain and joy as well. I suggest spending some time with your brother-in-law, in the company with other people such as your wife, to see that he's just another guy. Try to find out what you have in common rather than what is different.

Good luck and just have an open mind and heart.

Andre


Top
#382180 - 01/12/12 10:52 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Andre808]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
I agree whole-heartedly with Andre.

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#382183 - 01/12/12 11:12 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
Your using myths associated with gay people...just as people use the myths against us...In all this were looking for the real person inside and to connect with....we dont have to like everybody but we shouldn't just cut out what can be a great relationship solely on who he chooses to spend his personal time with.

Most perpetrators are not pedophiles.

Sorry to be blunt and not trying to be hurtful...but this isnt something your wife should budge on, and I'd be upset too.

You seem to know the core issues, and this is the start to working on it. Do you goto T?

Just wanting to change Isn't enough, we have to do the hard work to really make a change.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#382184 - 01/12/12 11:33 AM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Edward,

If you want the truth, the LGBT community has way more resources and general caring for their people than the straight community could dream about. The reason they do is because of all the bigotry against them from the straight community. The LGBT community is very generous. They took the lead with AIDS in the 80s. Bigotry and racism is the problem of humanity. CSA victims should know that all too well.

I've been acquainted with a bunch of gay men and women over the years and it literally amazed me how duty bound they were to each other in almost everything. To be honest, I have more respect for the LGBT community that the straight community. They tackle problems while the staight community ignores their own problmes (like CSA) until it bites them in the ass causing them to do something.

I understand why you are homophobic but not why you keep it up. Pedos aren't gay. Pedos are sick people that rape kids. In fact, research showed that Scout leaders that raped kids were way more likely to be straight. Why do pedos rape kids? Power.

For me, bigotry and racism is ignorance. Some people hate what they refuse to understand or can't understand. Fear of the unknown.

Fear and ignorance are the devil's playground. Hate pedos not gays. Pedos deserve your hate and anger. Your wife is 100% correct. She shouldn't budge an inch. You need to learn to Live and Let Live.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#382188 - 01/12/12 12:37 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: Edward Wong]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I think the replies are off. I think to simply say to a CSA survivor to just "let go of it" or that its ignorance or fear to be let go is trite and simplistic. This could be seriously tied to the CSA and could take time. The fact that it was admitted to as something to be addressed is great for Edward's own comfort with himself as CSA survivor. It may be that your homophobia is actually serving a purpose of protecting you even if that purpose is dysfunctional and out of proportion to reality, meaning gay men are not a threat but the perception of being threatened can be a serious issue for a CSA survivor.

You don't have to find the gay community as one that you need approval by in order to be a good person. You don't need to demonize it or hate it or irrationally fear it but you don't have to love it either. Its just like a Christian church - it exists but if it doesn't affect your life, feel free to not pay it any attention.

Many CSA survivors have issues like yours to deal with and its about your comfort with yourself and feeling safe as far as this board goes, in my opinion.

Many men, straight or gay or whatever, can support your understandable questions in this area. It takes bravery to discuss this issue on this board.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#382194 - 01/12/12 01:27 PM Re: Homophobic because of the Abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
I dont read it so much as "get over it" as spend some time and try to work on things.

I think the main question is that are you working on this stuff with a T?

Secondly, I would ask do you sut feel uncomfortable or physically unsafe around the BIL? If the answer is just uncomfortable, than the theory of lots of the hard work happens when were safe but uncomfortable.

third I would say start small, and try to see, like sugggested above, if you can find a similarity or shared passion/commanality where you can just enjoy the moment and get lost in the activity instead of focusing on his sexuality.

this comes up a bunch on the boards....Its very hard to get some things out there, and just the fact were all so brave to be here, were "winning" wink....however, at the same time, sometimes is it better to hear the "truth" and open to all opinons even the ones that might not make us feel great...or are we here to challenge things hear different perspectives and try to work out our issues.

IMHO being safe and being challenged is what helps us twords healing.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.