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#381509 - 01/05/12 11:22 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: 1lifenow]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Doubter,

I have gone all the from CSA at 10/11, until 14. Puberty had me into girls, Army kept me straight, college, too busy studying. Then an old girlfriend want a 3 some. I did it for her, 'cause I was always crazy about her. The 3 of us went all the way for 3 straight days; (OK they weren't straight), I fell back into my CSA, found I did enjoy it. Gays hated me because being SSA, I only wanted 1 night stands, no commitment, no feelings. Get in, get out, no regrets. I fell in love with women, had the need for the physical closeness of a man. They wanted more: love, relatinship, partnership. I wanted sex. No attachments. I needed relationships with women. The men did not like me much, becuae of that. I dunno, if it is because I am CSA, or have a mental health issue. I am married, love my wife, she knows from day 1 about my SSA, so she has a rule: No cheating on her with women and men. Well, I still cheat. In my mind. It gives me a smile. I find it does take me back to when I was a young boy, getting the business from my molester and his friends, when he had parties. Being under the dinette table with my Brother; knocking um out, 1 by 1.

I know this is highly frowned upon at MS. I am not politically correct in this forum. Being a Therapist's nightmare, I go against most of the males who have posted ahead of me.
I still do not understand why I am unable to have a relationship with a male, like I do with women? Love the sex with both sexes, but can only stay with a woman, a man I do the deed and sneek out. 'Slam, wam, thank you man!' fits my di>
_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#381511 - 01/05/12 11:29 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: 1lifenow]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Oh, I'm more about "Darkside of the Moon",Pink Floyd; touching on insanity.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#381788 - 01/08/12 09:40 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Lo Don]
Doubter Offline


Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 12
Loc: Alabama USA
My internet was out for a few days so I haven't been able to keep up with this thread. There has been some great replies and discussion here. I plan to act on my SSA at some point. I guess it is kind of a "Bucket List" thing. I do feel more like Lo Don, it's mostly about the sex. I think I could only do a LTR with a woman but who knows? I may learn more about myself than I know now.

_________________________
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

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#381846 - 01/09/12 01:54 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Doubter]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I hope I did not corrupt you, Doubter. I see many things differently, and have no regrets. Mindles, emotionless, sex OK, wear protection; there still is a lot of bad out there.

I'm surprised my thread got through to you. I have been abridged here. It sounds so paranoid, I have been on a probation of sorts here and not allowed on MS for a month.

Having said that; I love MS and see no better forum than here!!! I am too outspoken; can't help it. I say what I feel, and think; perhaps too direct.

I am not touchy feely, and don't kiss any asses (sort O speak).

Still, look at the postings others have written; I do have to admit they are much more in tune and wiser than I.

I do support you in your decision; any time you wish to dicuss, feel free to PM me. I will listen.

Best of Luck,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#381995 - 01/10/12 11:19 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Doubter]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
To refer to something like acting on one's SSA as a "bucket list" item, is frivolous to me. The tone of the posts has been serious but that reply seems a bit off to me.

You could be opening Pandora's Box with an action like that. Although the pull may be strong and it might even feel good, cocaine did that for me and I ended up with a problem.

I wish you luck with your struggle with SSA and hope you find inner fulfillment.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#382029 - 01/10/12 03:40 PM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Doubter]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Doubter
....I plan to act on my SSA at some point...


a lil nosy advice :-) guy to guy - survivor to survivor - and in particular from a 47 yr old guy to a nearly 50 yr old guy. i say that last bit because in my humble view, age makes a difference. games and secret lives abound, in my view. be extremely careful with where and with whom that experience takes place. i'd avoid the net all together.

_________________________
Jeff

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#387344 - 02/26/12 09:17 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: 1lifenow]
Artistandvictum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 17
Loc: ohio
I dealt with ssa after my csa and throughout and asa. I feel like I was always like this though, partly maybe because I had such a domineering mother, partly because I was born that way. See I truly believe that not everyone has a little bi in them because I know that I do not, so if I am at one end of the spectrum there has to be another, which would be utter straightness. I am a masculine gay man in my adult life and believe me there are others out there that are looking for long term, loving, unconditional bonds and deep routed intimacy. I think the only way that you should feel any sort of shame toward your ssa is if you deal with internal homophobia. Its like when men say that men shouldnt wear dresses because thats what girls wear-- but what you are really saying in that statement is that you believe men shouldnt wear dresses because it is shameful to be a woman. The only shame you should feel is if your sexual encounter was a situation of lust and awkwardness. You could have intimate experience(fireworks) that you've always looked for, but for that to happen you have to de-prejudice your view on homosexuality before you act. because otherwise there will be undoubted shame. I actually have several friends that are gay that were in longterm straight marriages and they all said that they didnt go for it ear;ier because they thought that they didnt have the emotion connection towards men, just the ssa, but then they realized that is just and aftereffect of the socital imprinted deeprouted homophobia , that even I as an out gay man of 20yrs, still deals with today. I believe this is the reason there is such a high suicide rate among gay teens. I remember feeling disgusting and feeling like if people knew the real me they would hate me. they would know how disgusting I am.


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#388805 - 03/09/12 06:06 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Artistandvictum]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Doubter,
you were caught in some position. To act or not to act out, that is question know smile .
Maybe if there is even smallest doubt about it there is some reason to take some time and think about it, what could be reason pushing you to some action?
I can tell what are my thoughts related to this topic based only on my experience. I've just started dealing with my issues including SSA, but for me acting out was never question. I've decided very long time ago that I'll never act out with men. I've felt somehow that I was forced into something not so good and I've decided to stop hurting others and myself, so acting out was excluded as option.
Somehow I'm always looking for some deep bonding just same as Artist mentioned: "believe me there are others out there that are looking for long term, loving, unconditional bonds and deep routed intimacy". I'm always looking for such emotions and I can't help myself, some short term relationships would never be option for me. In that respect I can't see myself acting out to male partner at the moment. I'm not on easy to see myself romantically involved with some male, even some thoughts on that are making me anxious. That could be related to my experience obviously. My secret dreams related to male SSA are much more plain, raw and without any emotions and some depth.
But Artist's words made me think more about my potential homophobia that could be imprinted in me. Anyway during my search for recovery I'll have to pull off many layers which make my conciseness and who knows what I'll see down there smile!
Be Well!
Pero


_________________________
My story

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#399322 - 06/04/12 03:52 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Doubter]
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 9
Loc: chicago
Doubter,

What would that look like for you? How would you imagine going about it or finding someone to explore that with you? If you decide to explore it, what would you do to make sure you feel safe and can stay safe? What would it look like to say NO to someone if you are feeling too uncomfortable with the experience? What is your plan if something triggers you (and I imagine most likely would) and how could you manage that. What if you need to pause the sex if you are being trigger, how would you do that?

Sorry for all the questions! I ask them because the more you plan to have a safe and positive experience, the more likely it will be-- in my opinion. Good luck!

gs

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#401891 - 06/27/12 06:50 AM Re: First time acting on SSA [Re: Doubter]
Doubter Offline


Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 12
Loc: Alabama USA
Well, I did it.

I met a gay couple while cycling and we became friends before I realized they were a gay couple. They were very happy when I didn't shun them after they revealed they were gay. One afternoon after a ride, one of them asked me if I thought I would be interested in fooling around. It kind of floored me for a minute, but I regained my composure and explained to them that I had never done anything like that before and had never been with another man, let alone a three way. I didn't tell them about the CSA. A few days later I decided I really did want to try and met up with them. They were very gentle and understanding with this first-timer and didn't pressure me at all to do anything I didn't want to try. It turned out to be a wonderful experience for me and has opened up a whole new range of possibilities. In short, I felt great afterwards and two weeks later I still feel great.

Thanks for the good advice from everybody. If anyone else here is thinking about this, just take it slow and wait until you find the right person (or persons). Don't let yourself be pressured to do anything you're not ready for. It won't magically fix you, it hasn't fixed me, but I feel much less broken now. I know that my SSA wasn't just a result of the abuse. It is a real part of me and I can accept that now.
_________________________
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Top
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