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#381849 - 01/09/12 02:03 AM Starting to panic
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
There is another session coming up on “Child Protection” – aka: abuse prevention and intervention – at the school where I teach that is required for all staff and faculty. Every time I think about it I start to panic. It was one of those sessions that indirectly led to my involvement here at Male Survivor. It was full of triggers and I did not deal with it very well. I was depressed for a long time afterwards and made some bad choices in trying to find ways to forget or distract myself from the memories or dull the pain. I have been through the material several times, but each time going through it seems to get more difficult and I feel worse during and after. Ironically, I probably have enough knowledge of the subject to lead the session, but am not able to address it in a public setting! I don’t know if I can sit through it again. But it is a requirement each year and I don’t know if I can get out of it. If I could get excused, it would require talking to the principal at the very least and telling him why. I have a well-founded fear of authority figures and don’t know which would be worse – saying nothing and going through the session –or telling someone that I don’t want to talk to about it. Either way, I’m afraid I’ll be forced into outing myself and the thought of that terrifies me.

Any suggestions?
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#381862 - 01/09/12 10:15 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: traveler]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hello Traveler,

Have you considered any anxiety management techniques? Deep abdominal breathing, grounding techniques, and present moment awareness can all help to reduce the amount of anxiety and stress you feel. I hope any of this helps you out a little. Heal well friend.

Cheers,

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#381949 - 01/10/12 08:00 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: traveler]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
If you have to "out" yourself, do it in the safest way possible. One on one with the principle may be better than the whole group. Asking for what you need will be scary. Trusting the principle to keep your confidence may not be possible. In similar situations, I have found my need to keep lil me safe gave me the strength to speak up.

Your needs matter! The child inside us only has one real champion: us, today. Our own voice speaking up for him. He wants to be safe, heard, and respected.


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#384015 - 02/01/12 02:35 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: cris40ky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
UPDATE - I went through it.

The child abuse prevention/awareness training session that I was so afraid of took place yesterday and I went. I had been given another option – of taking it on-line so I wouldn’t have to be around other people in case there were triggers that would set me off. I was so relieved to learn of that possibility. BUT – I would still have to get permission from the principal to do it that way and that would arouse suspicion and then when I didn’t show up at the meeting, my absence would attract attention. I typically procrastinated making a decision until the morning of the day when it was going to happen right after school. At that point, I decided – what the heck! – I’m going to walk in there and not be intimidated. I can stand up and fight this thing.

Turned out that the session was not full of triggers like the first one – this time the material presented was mostly about procedures for reporting and investigating suspected incidents and it was not too bad. (A couple of blood pressure raising comments, but I kept cool.) I made it through the whole thing without having to leave. So I had wasted lots of energy on worrying about something that wasn’t as bad as I expected. And I was glad I made the decision to man up and go on my own. That was a good step for me.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#384016 - 02/01/12 03:52 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: traveler]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Way to hang tough Lee. You make us all proud of how strong you are. Mike


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#384048 - 02/01/12 12:36 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: mike13]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
LOL

Lee ain't it like us survivors to sit and worry about things and build them up into something enormous. Then when we enter the building with fear and trembling,.......none of it happens.

How many times have I done this to myself, and still I dont learn.

I do envy you though, you came through for little Lee, you hung tough and faced up to it. Well done.

I would be interested in some of the program though, we are trying to set up a child abuse prevention program as well as a program for teachers to spot and report the suspected abuse situations. If you do have any literature that you could forward me, if it isn't going to trigger you, I would really appreciate it.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384072 - 02/01/12 06:47 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: whome]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks for the props! It does mean a lot.

And yeah - makes me wonder how much energy I've squandered through the years obsessing over things that weren't worth the time and effort...

I wish I could share it - some is really helpful - but i don't have access to the materials. It is a course designed specifically for our organization and is "proprietary" and confidential and pretty well guarded cuz it reveals some of the mistakes that have been made by "our" people in the past = bad publicity, etc. Unfortunate that others can't benefit - but understandible that they don't wast it publicized more than it already has been - and at least "we" are learning from past mistakes.

Lee



Edited by traveler (02/01/12 06:49 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#384105 - 02/02/12 12:57 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: traveler]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
No Problem Lee laugh

But still well done to you for conquering a fear

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384191 - 02/02/12 10:54 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: whome]
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
I know this is old topic, but I think I can still contribute.

Several years ago I was working on Boy Scout camp staff. All staff had to undergo an extended version of youth protection training. I told the camp director in in very ambiguous terms that I would be uncomfortable attending. Initially, he didn't understand, but when I mentioned "things that happened in my youth," he get what I meant. He let me skip the training without ever mentioning the matter again.


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#384208 - 02/03/12 03:12 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: Edward Wong]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
That was very understanding of him Edward. I have always felt sick to my stomach when I have had to attend the training. I am glad some people in the scouting organization are finally starting to wake up and smell the coffee. Mike


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#384226 - 02/03/12 12:09 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: mike13]
NDbiker Offline


Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 37
Loc: North Dakota
Lee, if your like me and somebody asks me to do something like that, it is like I'm a deer caught in headlights. In my head the mental storm starts with "You want me to do what!?"

My men's support group for sexual abuse, watched the boyscout video, the one that is for the children. No one in the group knew we were going to watch it until it was playing. It was made for young minds and was almost cheesy. Every guy in the room was in flashback mode. We discussed that the advice was not complete enough. It told the kids to tell their parents or police what had happened. For us, talking to the police at our young age was too scary. Each of us had parents who were into old school punishment and didn't feel safe into going to them.

I thought there should be a campaign similar to "Mr. Yuck" The teachers talked about bad chemicals and you took a pack of stickers home to label them. Nobody wants to stand out amongst their peers. A 1-800 number that you call with a text option(for current times) and an email address would have felt safer to me. With a simple message "If anyone touches you where your bathing suit goes, use the information on this sticker!"

What is the basic message that they are teaching kids today? I have a young daughter and we are trying to teach her to come to us with anything. It is hard to be a parent and let your child growup, when you have experienced what we have!


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#384227 - 02/03/12 12:28 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: NDbiker]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
ND...as a parent with small kids...i think about this a bunch.

After cnsulting with T, the "best" advise is to teach your kids to speak up and use their "big" voice. A kid that speaks up is and is vocal with a potential perp is "safest". unfortunatly we can not be everywhere and protect them form everything, but we can teach them the skills to protect themselves.

http://www.stopitnow.org/ is a good place to look.

One last point, and you express it well....It is very important for us NOT to say we would harm anybody who would harm our children...I do feel if somebody hurt my children I would not take it well at all...but it may prevent them from saying anything if they think mom or dad will "kill" or "hurt" a perp...add into the fact that most perps are known to the victim, it makes sense that they wont want to get a person they know hurt or killed.

just .02.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#384230 - 02/03/12 12:43 PM Re: Starting to panic [Re: Castle]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I'll Ditto what Castle says.... A friend of mine got a call from his daughter (who is in college) was "date" raped at a party. She knows who it is.... but won't tell her dad because her dad is the kinda guy who is likely to drive over to the college the plant the guy somewhere....

And that's a College age young woman... image a child now... so yeah, there's lots of reasons kids don't/won't tell.

I never told because I was sure I would get in trouble. My mom got angry at everything she didn't approve of. So no telling there.

My oldest son is 11 now. We've always made it clear that he can talk to us and if anyone ever does anything etc he can tell us... One thing I've realized from knowing my son... there's no way I think he'd tell us anything if it happened. He's been picked on and bullied a few times at school, and my wife can tell when something is going on, but getting him to tell us is like pulling teeth and literally takes days to get him to open up about it. The positive is though, the last time something was going on, we talked about it and he then took the initiate and went and spoke with the principle himself about it, he didn't want us calling etc.

If I find out anyone has ever hurt my kids... I'll go nuts. I don't think I'll be out going after anyone, but it'll trigger me to a place of insanity I think.

Lee, is there any one specific person who is responsible for the material that you could approach? Maybe go armed with real statistics and mention that when you took the course this last time you noticed some inaccuracies that you feel, in the face of current statistics, should be updated. Just a thought.



Edited by JustScott (02/03/12 12:45 PM)

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#384419 - 02/05/12 03:27 AM Re: Starting to panic [Re: JustScott]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Good idea, JS - about getting more balance into the presentation. my T suggested the same thing - even some ways to distance myself from revealing the personal offense I felt and the reasons for it. I'm even willing to endure some discomfort if it means that even one kid is protected from abuse, but I do think we as a society can do a better job of getting the word out in a way that doesn't further victimize the innocent.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
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