Some of you guys have been at for a while and I need your input.

Tuesday I was sitting in a support group meeting and we were addrssing the most negative feeling tat we had experienced overthe last week and then try to remember the first time we felt such a feeling. I discussed mine somewhat.

Other guys were talking about teir abuse and I was dooding to distract myself from the conversation.

One of the guys said something about being sorry for the pain he has caused other and I was informed by the group that I blurted out, "It is their fault also!".

I was told tat it was full of force and rage. I say tat I was told because I do not remember it. The group leaders were trying to get me to to dscuss it further and I could not rmeber any part of the statement or the following questions.

It scared the crap out of me.

Your thoughts

This subject just came up in the Unmoderated section. I put my experience in there. I'm sure there's somebody here better able to talk about the whole thing of losing time and not remembering. I was always able to watch myself from far away doing things. I also think the diagnoses of Multiple Personality Disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a dangerous one. If a person doesn't have parts, but has a therapist that believes there are parts, it can really mess you up.

But I hear you about having people tell you about things you don't remember at all. I went through two very dissociative phases--one in my teen years, of which I remember very little about, and the 5 years I spent crashing from my past. My wife was telling me about some big thing I was involved in during that 5 year period where some person griped to my church that I wouldn't speak to her and me having to defend myself or something--complete blank. She might as well have been telling me about her uncle Leroy because as far as what I remember, none of that happened, but I believe her. I mean, she was there, even if I obviously wasn't.

In the "fight or flight" world, I was flight. I remember the parts taking over and I could not stay one more millisecond wherever I was. I'd get out of moving cars, walk to the middle of nowhere. But I also remember those feelings when I was a kid. Hiding up in the forest and hearing my family calling me. I got to where I hated the sound of my own name. I wanted to disappear. To make them quit calling me, because I didn't want to be in that house with those people.

When we begin dealing with our pasts, there is so much emotion and so much pressure to release that sometimes it leaks out. And it can be scary. Having read your story, you must have more stored in there than I can possibly imagine. It's no wonder it's screaming to come out. I know it's scary, but it does get less powerful. Writing here and letting the rage come out in safe places is the key to lessening the pressure. After a while there's not so much to hold back. It's all out where it can be validated by people you trust.

Splitting is a good name. Remember that if there was splitting, it happened when the horrors were done to you by people you should have been able to trust. Now we can begin to let the splits heal and eventually gain a little peace.

I hope this helps. Sometimes I get to writing about everything and I can't stop. I'm sure others have better insights into what you're having to deal with. But I feel for you. Hang in there, OK?

Forever
Your post has me in tears. Thanks for understanding and sharing your story.

I do not have this. But I know someone who do. The other persons, they are very noted, and easy to see if you know. But together, he is whole person, and it is possible I think to become all whole again, without needing those others. I know from what I see it take lot of work, and long time. There are some issues that will be more resisting to change, and more resisting to be remembered by the 'real' person (I know 'real' is not right word, but I do not knwo what is). But I do think from what I see and what I read on it, complete is possible. You are not only one here with this issue.

Andrei

Splitting,

I haven't been around the board a lot lately, but somehow I came by tonight.

I used a stock phrase to answer a lot of people who were close to me over the years when they talked about things I or we did. "I believe you. I just don't remember it."

DID is a creative way to survive extreme abuse. There's nothing "wrong" or "bad" about it. Having these sharp divisions in our selves is not as helpful in the "real world," post-abuse, but we developed them for good reason.

There's a book, "Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out," by Barry Cohen, Esther Giller, and Lynn W. from Sidran that has helped me a lot. I bookmarked Chapter 4, "Hope."

Thanks,

Joe