I have kids. But before I did, I was in a panic about having a son. I was terrified of being a father to a boy. I had absolutely no idea why. It just felt incredibly unsafe to me.

Now, looking back, it comes as no surprise given my own relationship with my father. Though my relationship with my son has been one of the greatest gifts in my life, I catch myself withdrawing from his innocent physical closeness -- because of how dangerous and threatening it still feels to have someone close to me. When I catch myself, I try to breathe and allow myself to be there with him. What happened to me was long ago. I don't want it to rob my son of a father who can hold his child.

Ralph,

I hope you can work through some of that stuff, it can be very healing for you, and your love is he greatest gift you can give...most survivors never perpetrate...please talk to T about this, its super important to both of you.

Best,
H

Thanks, Castle. I'm in therapy now with a therapist I very much trust. I went in with a very specific non-abuse issue. I'd been in therapy before and I attended SIA meetings in NY, but that was over ten years ago. I thought I'd put the abuse stuff behind. My T has allowed me to see how much of my life is still affected by the abuse. Which led me here.

The hard part for me has not been a conscious fear of perpetrating. It's been the recognition of how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel with physical closeness -- my son will jump into my lap and I feel like I've been attacked! -- and how it's led me to push him away.

I do know that a lot of normal situations become sexualized and threatening to me. A woman is friendly to me and I'm panicking it's going lead to something sexual so I withdraw. Until recently, I just thought I was the kind of person who enjoyed being by himself. I had absolutely no idea of the dynamic at play or how much the abuse has left me isolated.

Your taking steps to make a change in a safe enviorment...Good for you, I wish you success...It certainly is hurtful, confusing and brings on anger when the reminants of abuse effect the act of recieving and giving love to our children.

I wish you luck on your journey.

SS, "no, you're not," for the 100th time if it helps!

A professional may state it better, but I believe there is a distinct difference between normal pre-adolescent curiosity and forced violation. Likewise, there is a difference in flirtation and unwelcome advances between adults.

It does help. Thanks!

I agree there is a difference. My particular problem is that my perp was approximately 12-13 while I was 6-7. Very close to the ages that this experience happened to me, except I was the older one with the "power."

I shouldn't have done it. And as a response to some of the other comments, yeah, it's not weird to check out a 16 year old. But a 5 year old....that's creeper territory.

But, I like the point Robbie made earlier. She showed healthy boundaries in the situation. I was hypersensitive to the possibility that something I did was super wrong. Bad combination and something I suppose she has forgotten long ago. (At least that is my hope and prayer)

SS,

If I did not make it clear before, I commend you for your "reaction of character." That abused boy could have done otherwise...could have reacted with indifference. You didn't though. You showed concern for her and the situation.

I don't think this incident treads anywhere near a pre-adolescent's curiosity. Not at all. It was a chance-event that ended exactly the way it should have and nothing more.

Be aware, I'm speaking from the perspective of having been used by older boys. I was 7 and they were 12. What THEY were doing was or would have been considered sexual curiosity and "things that happen among children," except it went on for 7 years and was nothing but pure rape and no euphemistic bull-shit, excuse-qualified, psycho-babble. So, I feel as if I have license to condemn the adolescent offender. You are in no way at fault.

I'm more than a little freaked by many/most of the replies here. I'm truly hoping that those who basically said "get some," did not notice she was only 5yo?????

No.

Umm....yeah. I kinda felt the same way. I was hoping they just read the post wrong or something. Anything sexual at 5 years old is NEVER ok IMO.

And thanks again Rob. I'm a new guy here and I really admire your taking a leader type role to others on the site. Thanks for all you do.

You're not a perp man. I understand the fear of being close to children though.
Every guy here does.