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#381482 - 01/05/12 06:14 AM Am I a perp too?
Staying Sane Offline


Registered: 11/29/11
Posts: 28
Loc: Iowa
Man, I just had the craziest memory today. I feel so terrible about it. Just wondering what some of the others here feel about this....

We had moved away from the place where my CSA happened to another state. I remember that my sister and I, and two other girls (who were younger than us both) used to all stay at our house together after school until all the parents got home.

I think I must have been about 11-12 at this time but I am not entirely sure. Either way, the memory that came flooding back with feelings of wanting to cut off every appendage on my body goes like this:

We were just playing around, doing normal kids stuff. The youngest girl (maybe 5 or 6 at the time) was standing on my feet and I was bouncing her. As she was bouncing up, her upper body was bending forward and her shirt sagged down revealing bare skin. I can't really tell you why, but I looked. And she saw that I looked. And she said "You're trying to look down my shirt!" and ran away from me.

I remember feeling so scared that she was going to tell and I was going to be accused of being a pedophile. I wanted to die at the time. I wasn't a creeper of a kid or anything. This is the only memory that I have of doing anything remotely like that. I guess it really explains my severe discomfort to be around children to this day. I am so scared that something I will do gets taken the wrong way. I would never want to hurt a fly, let alone a poor innocent child.

Yet to think that in some way I may have caused this young girl anywhere close to the feelings that I have experienced is tearing me up inside right now. Yet another example of feeling ugly, and a bad person.

So am I a perp to her too? Ugh, disgusting!!

_________________________
My Story

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#381483 - 01/05/12 07:46 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Staying Sane]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6597
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Staying Sane

So am I a perp to her too? Ugh, disgusting!!


NO..you are not!

It sounds like it was an accidental view where you had to "see what you thought you were seeing." Its interesting though...she reacted with proper and very healthy boundaries...didn't she.

Why? Because you did not coerce her. You did not groom her with segments of a novel (as was done to you). You did not initiate game-play as a boundary-breaker.

You were not a boundary-breaker because you were and very very likely ARE not a pedo for those very reasons. A chance encounter like that was policed by her in the proper manner. She kept herself safe from what/whom she thought was a present threat. I applaud her for that and I applaud YOU for your reaction given that your boundaries were so readily broken and abused.

If you need to look-up the pedo definitions, go ahead, but you'll see that there are qualifiers to wearing that scarlet label. 1) You need to be sexually aroused and/OR attracted by/to children (it does not necessarily require that you act upon the attraction with children).

2) You get the "perp" tattoo if you act on it with anyone you ought not.

So from what you are describing...NO...you are not a perp.

Isn't it too bad we don't deal with these things when they are fresh?

It sounds to me like you are not only a good guy Sane, but you also recognize boundaries even though yours were pulled-away.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#381487 - 01/05/12 08:07 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Staying Sane]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Staying Sane,
I am sorry that you feel this way. You shouldn't.
You were 12 years old and you looked at her bare skin, just like every other pre teen and teenager would have done.
She was a child just like you were. You didnt run after her and try to do something to her. You felt remorse because of what happened to you. Nothing more nothing less.
For that little girl to even say something like that was beyond her age of thinking. Her parents or someone told her that that was bad and she reacted to that. NOT YOUR FAULT.
I feel sorry for the girl that she brought up that way, being scared of boys. I wonder how she feels now a days since she grew up. I mean, men stare a boobs and bare skin on people all the time. that doesnt make them perps and you arent either.
Hell, at 12 to 13 years old, I was excided when the wind blew. It is what teens do,they look and get feelings of excitment. Hormones my friend, it happens to us all at that age.
Heck at 52 years old if I see a nip slip on a woman I am going to look and I just bet that most men would do the same.

So are you a perp? NO NO NO

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#381488 - 01/05/12 08:13 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Staying Sane]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
No. You looked at a girl's ass. You didn't touch! Everybody I knew did that in school. If I see a nice ass today, I look at it. Not girls under 18 on purpose for sure, but everyone else. I'm more a boob man, Say I saw a nice ass in the mall and the girl was 16. I wouldn't feel bad. It's a look. Heck, it's an unconscious thing for men to look at a nice ass, or boobs, etc. As long as you don't linger (especially if she's under 18), you're cool. Girls do wear clothes so you'll look on purpose you know. Never knew a girl that wore skin tight jeans or a thong then was upset someone looked. Looking is one thing, ogling is another. Dude, you got some conscience there. That's a good thing.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#381489 - 01/05/12 08:17 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
When guys discover girls (and Mr. Happy) at 10/11/12, they look at any girl. I did. If a guy says he didn't, he's lying.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#381500 - 01/05/12 10:40 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: phoenix321]
ralphyk Offline


Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 9
Loc: United States
I'm new to this board and hadn't really thought I'd be posting so soon, but I hate to see you torturing yourself over this.

What happened was perfectly natural and normal. We're wired this way. Someone cuts me off while driving in my car, my immediate response may be to want to ram that other driver off the road. But as a healthy adult, I know that primitive response comes from my selfish, animalistic soul. Hopefully, we're also in touch with the part of us that tells us this behavior is wrong -- the part of us that connects with a higher value, with what is healthy, moral and right.

Clearly, that part of you was and is functioning extremely well. In fact, I'd guess that it is hyper-aware of these types of situations because of your history of being abused. I know it is with me. You looked at the girl because you're a normal person. What isn't normal is the inability of abusers to recognize their behavior as inappropriate or destructive -- or to simply not care about anyone else but themselves.


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#381504 - 01/05/12 10:47 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: ralphyk]
Staying Sane Offline


Registered: 11/29/11
Posts: 28
Loc: Iowa
Well, that isn't the responses that I thought I was going to get. I have been torturing myself. I can't bear the idea of being hurtful to another kid that way.

In fact, since I have started this whole process of "dealing with it," I have barely been able to look at a young boy without feeling like I just want to give them a hug and tell them that they are great!

Weirdly enough, writing that and seeing it even seems a little weird to me. Almost a little creepy/pedo even. Man that is just such a warped sense of boundaries on my part. Because you know what!?!?

It's not creepy! It is exactly what we wanted someone to do to us. To love us, and tell us we were great without some kind of ulterior motive (sex). I just want to do that for every little boy that I meet. Hug him, tell him he's great and to never, ever forget that no matter what else happens.

Thanks to all for talking me off the ledge. I feel a little better about the bad memory.

_________________________
My Story

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#381516 - 01/05/12 11:53 AM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Staying Sane]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Glad you listened to the other guys. For what it's worth, I agree totally with them.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#381525 - 01/05/12 01:44 PM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Jim1104]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Staying Sane,

I also agree completely with the other posts. Once we reach 11, 12 years old, puberty usually sets in as we all know; some people maybe a little later. We all "hated" girls before that, remember!!!, then the hormones kicked in and we couldn't stop looking especially a good looking one. What you did is 100% natural and besides you didn't do anything else. You acted like any normal "boy-man" would. The girl is probably laughing at that now-a-days. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#381526 - 01/05/12 01:53 PM Re: Am I a perp too? [Re: Jim1104]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
I think not.

More importantly I spoke to a friend and asked his permission to tell this little tidbit...I think it sorta fits in and is very important for people to hear and discuss and if not, sorry to post it on your thread.

A friend whom was in a very abusive home, sexually, physically all that stuff...some really horrible shit (not minimizing anybody elses shit), who incidentally grew up in Iowa, was talking about his brother who passed. His brother left his family and chldren without a word to them why and such...Lots of regrets to that Im sure...so hes dying and this friend is in the hospital with his brother and finally talks to him abuot the abuse in the home, discloses his own abuse, and unfortunatly didnt want T or deal at all until it was too late....anywho....they are talking and it comes to why did he leave his family and his response hits me like a ton of bricks about how aweful this shit effects us...his answer "I didn't know when I would start to hurt my chidren, so I rather not be there and left" Hiding the awefullness of his truth effected his family and his children because of his perp father.

I think this mentality and the myths have hurt so many men , and I hope for the future we can work though this stuff and see thats sometimes we have to take a step back and see things for what they really are.

Bad shit happened to us, were very afraid, and rightfully so about how the myths effect us.

Breath a little easier today, and go gentle on yourself.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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