I want to preface this by first saying thanks to everyone on here. When I first signed up at MS, I wasn't sure what to expect but quickly learned that everyone is here to help each other get to where we all want to be - happy and in charge of our life. I wish everyone continued success on here. We all deserve it.
The reason I decided to depart from this site is that I was reading over my journal and it's full of negativity. I have always considered myself a positive and upbeat person, and to a degree I am, but my real feelings come out in my journal - at least those I don't show to the world - and it reminds me of how much anger I have inside of me. It's unhealthy. We all need positivity in our life and I can't honestly say I bring that to this board all the time. There are many negative people in this world and I do not want to be one of them.
Another reason is that I need to sit down and think of what I need to do in order to get my life in the right direction. This year has been very tough. There have been times I thought about not continuing this recovery process because I was “happier” before I began but realized that I wasn't happy, I was just numb. I can look back at the past 365 days and honestly say that I have made a great deal of progress but there's still more progress to be made. A part of me thinks that I may be able to fully recover if I could find someone to open myself up to. A few weeks ago I thought I found that person but she ended up finding someone else. As much as it hurts and angers me to see her with someone else, I know that I cannot be mad at her because I never told her how I felt. There were times I wanted to but when we were together, I would never think about telling her until it was too late. And now it's really too late. I wish her well and full happiness but while she is with someone else, I don't want to talk to her and deleted her number. My fear comes from the first person I ever told. This first girl I ever opened myself up to wanted nothing to do with me after hearing my story. She was someone I had known for several years, talked to on a daily basis, and she claimed to always want to be there for me. Since the night I told, we haven't spoken more than five times since - and that was over 10-years-ago.
Last week while out to dinner with a former client and a friend of mine, I was discussing my current situation with the girl, and my former client said something that really made me feel good: She said that even if the girl only knew half the person I was, she would not want to be with anyone else other than me, in that I have a great deal of inner strength, character, and how I care for others. For a world that tends to see me differently, this person saw me for who I am. If one person can see me like that, hopefully others will too.
Good luck to everyone and I wish you all the best in not only this New Year, but in every succeeding New Year.
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate