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#380947 - 12/29/11 01:11 AM How do we support the wives
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Ladies

As you all know I have started a group in South Africa. One of the things that I find important is, supporting the wives/ families of survivors.
Although I have some Ideas of what to do, I would prefer to ask those of you that have progressed a long way.
If you Guys could answer these questions
1) How did you get your man to treatment.?
2) What resources did you find helpful For Him? (Remember that I am in South Africa)
3) What information did You find helpful for yourself.
4)How do you support him after he is in treatment?
5)How did you Support yourselves during this process?
6)Did you have friends that helped and understood?
7) Did you have family that helped and understood?
8) Did you have a group that helped and understood?

Thanks to you all for all the support over the last year

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#380962 - 12/29/11 10:16 AM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Martin, I don't know i f you want my opinions or not as I am sure there are women much farther along than me but here goes.

1. I didn't get him into treatment.I wanted him to go away for 30 days for sex addiction but it didn't happen. I couldn't make him go, he is his own person but did tell him if he doesn't get into a program, I couldn't live with him because it would be a death sentence for me.
2. Therapy wth a GREAT therapist who specializes and is specifically trained in sex addiction and CSA. She is expensive but worth every penny of it.
3. For me, again a GREAT therapist was key. COSA is the glue that holds me together, though. With them, I have a support system that gets exactly where I am and understands like no one else could.
4. I supprt him now by trying to give him a safe place to share and give him the space to do it at his own pace. VERY hard and I am not very successful at it sometimes. I want him better and healed and I want itNOW! I also lean on my support group rather than him.
5. I support myself by going to my Cosa friends and th women on here for support.
6. I have very old and dear friends who know alot about what happened but not everything. They are very supportive to the best of their ability but if you aren't in our shoes, you couldn't possibly understand.
7. Same with my family.
8. COSA an S'anon. Absolutely fabulous women in there (and men too) who get our pain. I would still be in Alanon had i not found COSA and S'anon but it isn't the same. The pain is not even close.


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#380967 - 12/29/11 10:49 AM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
1) How did you get your man to treatment.? I asked, he complied.
2) What resources did you find helpful For Him? (Remember that I am in South Africa)Therapy has been the only thing he has done. He piddled on this site very little (I wish he would come more--I offered to leave it if he would use it)
3) What information did You find helpful for yourself. This site has been a God-send. There are women on here with whom I correspond with via PM that when I think I might lose my mind (with grief, hopelessness, fear, etc.) they are right there.
4)How do you support him after he is in treatment? Therapy for myself so that I don't botch up his progress.
5)How did you Support yourselves during this process? My therapist is awesome! My family has been amazing. My husband generously allowed me to share with a select group his struggle so that I could get the support I need. I am so grateful for that gift.
6)Did you have friends that helped and understood? I have a group of friends who have helped and very few outside of the women I mentioned from the board who understand. But everyone I have confided in has meant well and tried to support me.
7) Did you have family that helped and understood? Got ahead of myself, see above.
8) Did you have a group that helped and understood? See above.

I want to add that this site is wonderful for supporters. I read a thread just this last week that perfectly explained where my husband was coming from as it relates to porn and cheating. My hsuband tried to explain, I didn't get it honestly. Maybe I wasn't ready for it. But reading that man's words and remembering what my husband tried so desperately to articulate, it just clicked. That kind of insight and understanding is potentially relationship saving. Furthermore, the books that are referenced on the site gave me a jumping off place for research. Thanks for all you are doing and have done to help supporters Martin. We love our husbands, we hate what has happened to them and many of us want to make the difficult journey to healing with the men we married, but to do it alone is a tall, tall order.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#381358 - 01/03/12 04:31 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Lucy and Goodhope,

I really appreciate all input as we are alone down this part of the world, I need to make sure that I am a help rather than a hindrance. All input is appreciated, no matter how "inexperienced" you may think you are.

A therapist I see here, when I asked her If I have enough knowledge to start a group, replied, You and I are the most qualified people in this country on this subject, Experience trumps a degree. Hang in there.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#381366 - 01/03/12 08:58 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Here goes
1. He immediately sought help through the recommendation of his priest.
2. He's not a reader but he loves this site. He doesn't post much but reads everyday. Bought him some books and made them assessable for him.
3. Reading and this site, I am also in therapy. I am not as thrilled with my therapist.
4. We talk alot after his session. He is also part of a support group which he loves. Very emotional for him. Threw up on the car ride home the first meeting. I am safe place for him. His inner child knows that I am here to protect him.
5/6.Women on this site have been priceless support and my sister has listened to me with compassion and understanding. I have no friends that know.
7. My family knows and they have been great. They have been so good for his healing. He doesn't feel shameful with them. His family is coming around. They are emotionally crippled. I also understand it's their dad and husband who is dead, they are in disbelief. My husband is sad and guilty for destroying his memory.
8. No group but I am looking for one.

Therapy and my husbands willingness to get better are his two keys. He's also on an anti depressant. Nothing crazy just something to take the edge off. He's had some pretty intense memories and flashbacks so it hasn't numbed him.

Good luck!



Edited by Gretta (01/03/12 09:03 PM)

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#382614 - 01/17/12 02:05 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Martin-
I responded to your questions a while back, but in the last month I've been off of MS, I have found, what has been for me, a more effective pathway to healing. So, I thought I'd share the update with you!

1) How did you get your man to treatment.?
I didn't have to get him to treatment; he realized he was standing at death's door and took the initiative to get us both into counseling, and he began with A.A. In the early days, we both thought the infidelities were due to his drinking, never considering CSA could have played even a small part.

2) What resources did you find helpful For Him? (Remember that I am in South Africa) We stumbled through a couple of incompetent counselors and attended A.A. and Al-Anon meetings that simply weren't hitting "home" for us. After an entire year, we began seriously considering the physical abuse perpetrated by his father. It was then that the CSA started to come to light. We found MS and he began seeing a therapist who specializes in CSA. I found specialized help for my struggles at www.recoverynation.com. Unfortunately, MS was not healthy for me, personally, so I had to continue looking for my own help, which has allowed me to become healthier and stronger. Now I am a good support for my husband, who is revealing more and more memories now.

3) What information did You find helpful for yourself. www.recoverynation.com. INVALUABLE help for me. Though this site was begun by a male survivor, there is a plethora of help for the hurting spouses, as well as for the survivors, too. The help is free, or you can pay a small fee to get a personal coach to help you ("you" being the wife OR the male survivor).

4)How do you support him after he is in treatment?
By getting my own feet back on solid ground, I'm no longer a threat to his recovery. He's no longer worried I'm going to leave him, or have a complete breakdown, or hang myself, etc. Now that I am healthier, he is becoming healthier as the memories are coming and he is starting to connect the dots. I'll continue to support him by being his sounding board, will participate in his counseling, if he so desires, and by providing a safe, stable environment for him in which to heal and grow.

5)How did you Support yourselves during this process?
At first, I ran around like I was on fire. I had NO clue what had happened; completely blindsided by it all. I suffered serious setbacks with incompetent counselors and, sorry to say, MS, before finding www.recoverynation.com.

6)Did you have friends that helped and understood?
I had a couple of friends who were compassionate and supportive of my conviction to save my husband and marriage, but this was too big for anyone to help, much less understand.

7) Did you have family that helped and understood?
See #6. Ironically, my 84-year-old father has been the most supportive of my husband. Because he is so supportive and compassionate toward my husband, I wonder if he experienced any of this in his own life....

8) Did you have a group that helped and understood?
Nope. Wish I did. Al-Anon was the closest I had, but it was not the answer because alcohol was not "the" problem. "The" problem was much, much deeper.

I hope this is of help to you, Martin. For what it's worth, I think you are one of the greatest contributors to MS.

Blessings!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#382621 - 01/17/12 02:25 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi herowannabe

Thanks a lot for your detailed responses, I really appreciate it.
I will Look at the site you gave me and study it.

I glad that you are doing better, and I hope that you will continue to share your knowledge on this site.

I would appreciate it if you would add a couple of comments to my blog, there is a page for partners of survivors, If you have the time of course.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#382823 - 01/19/12 12:44 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I love your blog, Martin.

I tried to post on it, as you asked, but before it would post I had to select from a drop down list of selections. Not know which to select, I choose "google" and wound up losing all I'd typed.

What'd I do wrong?

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#382852 - 01/19/12 03:13 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: whome]
Marie-TwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 12/30/11
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Hi Martin.

In my case it's my big brother, not a mate.
But I'll apply these queries to him and try to answer them as best as I can.

1.) A lot of gentle and some not-so-gentle prodding.
Like notes on his toolbox. On his truck wheel.
His desk. His coffee pot. His table. His bathroom mirror.
I finally searched for a list of T's that were willing to treat males.
Picked one. Scheduled an appointment for him.
Left him a note on his coffee pot (again).
Told him that either he went, or I would drag him.
He needed it at the time. Was starting to fall apart.

2.) Online primarily. Websites. Books. Forums like this one.
I would print stuff out and post it around his place for him.
Underlined areas that were particularly applicable to him.
Stuck a book in his lunchbox once.
With bookmark on the page I wanted him to read.
Opened a browser on his computer.
Set it up on the website and page I wanted him to read.
Gave him notebooks. Pencils. Pencils.
Told him to WRITE! Draw! Anything. He said he couldn't.
When he had particularly bad nights though, he DID!

3.) Honestly. A lot of male-oriented pages.
They help a girl understand his viewpoint.
Where he's coming from.
How he views things differently and why.
Also it helped a LOT with the myths.
He was beating himself up over some of those myths BIG time.

4.) I keep him going to his T appointments.
Remind him if he seems like he's forgetting about it.
Or kick him in the arse if he talks about wanting to cancel.
A lot of interaction on a daily basis with him.
Kids. School. Kid pickups. Meals. Etc.
Take the kids all downstairs if he's having a rough night.
Or when the kids in bed drag him downstairs with me and get him talking or fighting or something.
Sometimes you have to poke him enough to make him get mad enough to stop self-censoring himself and make him yell.
When that happens the stuff that's REALLY bothering him comes out.
Usually winds up getting some stuff out that way and it helps in the end. Keep my cool while he's doing it.

5.) I have my own T. That's the primary way.
I also have a survivor board I go to that's female-geared.

6.) No.

7.) Aside from co-victim big brother - no.
Mom and Pop died some years ago.
Our brother went last year and sis died five years ago.
Brother was good to us in the first few months post, though.

8.) No.

Hope this helps, Martin.

*Marie*



Edited by Marie-TwoOfUs (01/19/12 03:17 PM)
Edit Reason: point clarification

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#382939 - 01/20/12 01:23 PM Re: How do we support the wives [Re: Marie-TwoOfUs]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
1) How did you get your man to treatment.? - After several unsuccessful attempts to get him into treatment he attempted suicide and then the Dr.s admitted him.

2) What resources did you find helpful For Him? A large Trauma Center which had a mental health floor. The local ER, and Dr.s where useless.

3) What information did You find helpful for yourself. MS F&F smile

4)How do you support him after he is in treatment? instead of yelling at him I vented a lot of things here - and got great feedback!

5)How did you Support yourselves during this process? MS F&F

6)Did you have friends that helped and understood? Yes

7) Did you have family that helped and understood? A little.

8) Did you have a group that helped and understood? No


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