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#38077 - 01/28/03 04:12 PM OUCH - **trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I had a big breakthrough in therapy today. I am trying to show love to the lonely scared cold child that I am inside. I closed my eyes and i talked to him, for the first time.

Why is it so hard to be loving to myself? why do I write so formally when writing about this?

It is cold and I feel like I do not know what to say, but I tell him that it will be ok. I tell him everything is going to be all right. He answers me by asking, "How will you get the color back? Everything is gray, dirt brown or rust red; I am facing years of this, without love." I do not know what to say, so I just tell him again that it will be all right, and I try to hold him close to me.

He won't loosen up - he is very distrustful and he is heartbroken. He stands there, wearing only his underpants, in the middle of the dull green expanse of my Massachusetts back yard. I give him a white tee shirt to put on. I know he will refuse anything more. I realize this will take time and patience, not a big show.

Then I come into work, and got in a huge fight with my boss. He is toxically negative, unnappreciative to a degree bordeering on an artform, and subversively mean. He threatened me (my wife is pregnant - he claimed I was telling my boss what to do), 'I am not the one with the pregnant wife.'

self-destructive behavior, and he even said it about me himself. But I was right, on the one hand. It is just impossible to win those battles with him.

NOw I sit here, dazed, scared, angry, fulfilling the prohecy I created by veering a little too close to happiness.

On the other hand, I have realized that, in order to survive, I cannot have toxic relationships in my life, and this man is toxic to me. Now how do I pay for my insurance and food for my family and the mortgage?

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#38078 - 01/28/03 07:06 PM Re: OUCH - **trigger?**
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Cement,

I love hearing about the breakthrough you had with your inner child. I keep trying to talk to mine, to reassure him that he's not alone, and that he is loved, but I don't often feel like I'm getting through to him. So that's a great breakthrough you had!

You grew up in Mass.? I lived there in the late 80's and grew up in NY. So I know that "feel" of the northeast. I didn't find it exactly nurturing.

Your boss sounds like a controlling abuser on a power trip from another galaxy. Is he not accountable to anyone? I agree, toxic people are death for one's recovery and mental health. It makes it really hard when he has control of your paycheck. It's almost a re-creation of the abusive dynamics. No, I'm sure no adult would try to sexually abuse you now, but how could you be abused as an adult? By the guy who authorizes your paycheck and makes threats about your pregnant wife! It outrages me that there are "bosses" like that! Is there any way to do your job and remain profoundly "detached" from him and his abuse?

I can also relate to the feeling of "veering a little too close to happiness" and then coming back down. I had a feeling of profound happiness recently. I felt loved and things were going right. It didn't last, and the let down is tough. It's when I want to "act-in" in order to medicate the pain of it. Only right now, instead of doing that, I'm trying to talk with, reassure and console my inner child. It's a scary walk, because while I'm feeling this way, it's like I'm in a tunnel and can't quite see the opening to the exit. And I feel a mixture of depression and dread. But I persist, because the adult me knows that opening indeed is there. Just ahead. And my walk is not alone--it is also with my higher power, which I choose to call God.

Talking about all this may not change your boss and "pay the mortgage" but I find it helps me feel less powerless--just to be able to express it.

Rick


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#38079 - 01/28/03 09:15 PM Re: OUCH - **trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Thanks rick. I am profoundly sad, and confused. My boss is power hungry, narcissistic, and there is no doubt I am replaying my abuse on another level with him.

I am scared shitless because he told a co-worker he is going to fire me - he 'just isn't sure when.'

I have to get out.

And I am scared I will never get another job, worried that this is the best I can do and in general, feeling pretty bad.

but I (sort of) apologized to my boss. I don't think he will fire me unless I get angry with him again. That meaans I got about three months, according to my schedule.

And my T just called me back and encouraged me and said how happy he was with the seesion this morning. I told my T I am going to try to get back to that place, rather than focus on the dust I have kicked up since then.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#38080 - 01/29/03 02:14 PM Re: OUCH - **trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
thanks rick for the private meesage. I am downloading the file from innerbonding.com right now. thanks for the thoughts.

I am trying to reconcile the difficulty with my boss yesterday. the inner child seems to have come out, lashing out at him for all the things I endured as a child.

he reacted with control and threats. That is his method. I have to get away, but I am struggling with feeling like I can.

I imagine that a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship feels much the same way that I do. My Boss has me convinced that I will never be able to get as good a job elsewhere. Even my own assistant thinks I cannot. And she is on my side.

But can you see the rationale here? The woman won't leave the man because she doesn't know what to do. I feel like I do not know what to do.

In the meantime, I am trying to reach out to that child. this cannot be coincidental.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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